oh no

Panic is starting to set in. Tomorrow is March 1st and I still have no idea how I am going to pay Marchs rent! I don't know whats going on with my unemployment, I have been everywhere to find a job. I am at a complete loss as to what to do! I can not lose my apartment! I kept thinking that with all the bad luck I have had something was bound to change and I would be ok financially, but nothing has changed! I have no way to get the rent money, hell I cant even borrow it cause I have no idea when I would be able to pay it back! Even if I got a job Monday It would take 2 checks to cover it and that would be around March 20th before I could pay it. UGH!!! I hate this! I am supposed to be able to support me and the kids on my own! When am I going to be able to do that!?

Meet Slushy

This little turtle is Slushy, he has been apart of our family for about 4 years now. How we have not lost him along the way, I have no idea. Slushy was born one day when we decided to eat at Sonic, yes Slushy came from a Wacky Pack. He originally belonged to Jade, but since he is SO adorable I tried to keep him, yes I know like any mother would do! So Jade and I began a game of who could keep Slushy from the other longer. Eventually Starla and Piper joined in and now even Anakin tries to keep Slushy for himself. Its amazing the giggles and squeals that one little turtle can bring. I will eventually put Slushy up for a tale to tell when they are grown and have children of their own, but for right now Slushy continues to be an active member of our family.

10 Things You May Or May Not Know About Me.

1. I can not stand to not have my toenails painted.
2. I like infomercials- they are so corny that they fascinate me.
3. I have a foot phobia- I can not stand other peoples feet touching me.
4. I could not live without my tweezers.
5. I love the freecreditreport.com commercials and will stop what I am doing to watch them.
6. I love to sing along with the radio as long as its loud enough that I cant hear myself.
7. I like to read the lyrics to songs and find meaning in them.
8. I hate when bottles are almost empty(shampoo, laundry soap, mustard, everything).
9. I've been tempted to shave my head just so my scalp wont be so white.
10. It takes me forever to make a decision on even the smallest things.

I took this in the apartment laundry room! They are standing on a counter, Jade's head was touching the ceiling!

Happy Valentines Day

My luck has not gotton any better, I found a set of bunks on craigslist for $100.00 they said they could deliver for $30.00, well they bring it out and then after I leave I realize its BROKE!!! They are trying to say it was not broke when they took it apart and wont give me my money back, so the $350.00 I saved for a washer and dryer set I found now has to go to new bunk beds. I can not afford both and the kids need the beds. Their room is not big enough to even lay the mattresses on the floor for awhile, they have to have a frame. Kmart has a set for $179, but that will only leave me with around $150.00 there is no way I am going to find a washer and dryer for that. Plus I didn't have enough to pay Marches rent like I was hoping, so I have 2 weeks to figure out how I am going to pay that! I don't know what to do!
I'm sorry for the so fest, I am just so lost right now. I am SO tired of this struggle, I am finally doing good emotionally and at the point where I am ready to move forward with my life and now because of financial reasons I am stuck again.

Valentines day has not been as hard as I thought it was going to be, it actually just feels like another day. Yeah, like everyone else I would like to have someone special to share the day with but I'm not harping on it or even upset by it. I have some friends coming over later and we are going to have ourselves a little Valentines day party! hehehe

On another note, I have been talking to someone. We actually have been talking alot more the last week. We have been friends for awhile now. I am not quite sure where its heading, I'm not even sure if I am ready for it to go anywhere, but I know I do like him and I find myself waiting to hear from him. He mentioned the other night if he would have known I didn't have the kids and I was free he would have asked me to meet him in Lebanon for dinner. He's a great guy, he knows my situation and about my kids.

This annoys me!

This is the EXACT same set Jade and Starla have, that I bought from Big Lots in 2006 for $179.00! There is NO way they went up that much to be asking $275.00 for a USED set! She is not even including the mattresses!


Very sturdy bunk beds - wood - almost new - $275 (Inglewood)

Reply to: Date: 2009-01-21, 11:00AM CST

Set of bunkbeds - practically new. bought them about 6 months ago new for our grandson to sleep on. he's only slept on them a very few times. mattresses not included. will sale one bunkie board seperate tho. - 40.00. keeping the other mattress tho. they do seperate into two twins. thanks

February already?!

Wow, I cant believe we are already a month into 2009. So far this year has not gotten any better for me. The kids were sick most of January, my van finally got repoed, and I got laid off again. We have also had another major change, that is going to take some getting used to. Stephen and I changed the custody arrangement. We will each have the kids every other week. Financially this is going to be rough for me, especially since I just got laid off, it should make things alot easier on Stephen though. Emotionally, the thought of not having my kids with me all the time is tearing me apart, we have not even been through the 1st week yet and I am dreading it. I know it will be a little easier until I find a job because I will be going over to Stephens every morning to get the girls off to school and have Anakin all day, but I also know once I find a job and I am not seeing them everyday during Stephens week, I am going to struggle with it. It was my idea to try this though, the kids were having a hard time not seeing Stephen much, he was missing them, and I was completely overwhelmed trying to keep up with everything on my own. I was not enjoying my children, and I don't want to live like that. I want to be able to play with them, read to them, do crafts with them, I miss that stuff and the time with them.

I had a re-lapse a couple of weeks ago. I was rethinking the divorce. I have finally realized that as sure as I was that couple of days, that's all it was. A part of me will always love Stephen, he has been a big part of my life, he is he father of my children but that's it. The love a wife should have for a husband is gone, the butterflies from a touch are gone, all the little things that used to be there are gone. I think I have actually moved on. I didn't think this day would ever come, I didn't think the hurt would ever go away. And while there is a hint and a memory of all the hurt, its not enough for it to matter to me anymore, but at the same time I think that is what has helped me to move on. I'm sure that every once in awhile I will miss what was, but I know in my heart what was is not what is meant for me and my life.

I never made any New Years Resolutions this year, I think I am going to now.
1. I am going to get my life together and on track.
2. I am going to be an adult on my own.
3. I am going to become a stronger mom for my kids
4. I am going to continue to work on my self esteem
5. I am going to lose weight and get in shape
6. I am going to quit smoking!!!


A side note to #4, I had a friend comment one weekend that she could tell by the way I carry myself now that I have been working on this. It really tickled me and made me want to try that much harder! Thank you Meredith!!!