2008

This has literally been the worst year of my life. Yes, i am VERY thankful for what I do have, but most of my world fell apart this year. I lost alot of what i believed in, and I don't know how to get that back.
For Jade and I, 2008 ended in the hospital. She woke up in the very early morning of the 31st and told me her belly was hurting, I told her to go to the bathroom and lay back down. Well by the time we got up and had breakfast, it was obvious that she was hurting. So I started questioning her and decided to take her to the ER because it sounded like her appendix. I couldn't find someone to come watch Starla, Piper, Anakin and Evan, so I had to take them all with me! We got there by 10:30, I think. When I couldn't go with her to triage because of all the kids, I tried calling Sherell(Stephens mom) to see if she would come get my other 3. I didn't reach her at home and was about to try her cell, when Stephen called. I told him what was going on and that I was trying to reach his mom. He was at work and I really didn't want him to have to leave unless it was absolutely necessary because he would lose holiday pay for New Years. Sherell was there within probably 20 minutes of Stephen calling her. She even took Evan, I didn't expect her to take him to but she had no problem with it. I really don't know what I would have done with out her that day. Jade got admitted to the hospital, they thought it was her appendix, even though the ct scan was clear. Dr. Rutherford came in to see her and said it was a viral infection. So she got to come home New Years day.

Awhile back, I had decided to move back to Rutherford County, but then Starla getting in trouble made me rethink the kids being that far from their dad. Well this thing with having to take 5 kids to the ER has me rethinking my decision again. Maybe I am old fashioned or selfish, or whatever you want to call it, but if a friend calls me and says I need to get my daughter to the ER can you come sit with the others, I would be out the door and on my way before they even finished their sentence. I have one friend up here that got upset when I told her about moving to Rutherford County, she didn't want us to go, but when I called her the morning I had to take Jade to the ER she couldn't come stay with the other kids because her husband told his parents that they would do something with them at 12 o'clock that day. Now I know you never know what will happen or how long it will take when you go to an ER, but to me the least she could have done was said I can come over until you can get someone else there. But it honestly made me feel like my daughter needing to go to the emergency room was not important to her, someone who claims to love my kids as if they were her own. If I would have been in Rutherford County, I know I have so many family and friends down there that someone would have understood and come to help me out without making me feel like I was bothering them.

So I have a major decision to make, and I have to make it on my own. Do I stay up here where the schools are great, the cost of living is decent, and I have Stephen and his parents as a support system or do I move back where the schools are not bad but overcrowded and not as personal, the cost of living is higher and I know I would struggle financially, but I would have a huge support system. I would have more then a handful of people that if the kids and I needed anything, would not hesitate to help us out. How do you make that kind of decision on your own? It will really effect the kids, no matter what I choose.

Christmas and some other stuff

We had a pretty good Christmas. The kids got more toys then they really need, but loved all of it and have had a blast! They have also been wired out the ass! lol Stephen spent Christmas Eve night here to be with the kids Christmas morning, they really enjoyed that. And I have to pick on him about the fact he broke my Christmas tree on Christmas eve! lol He tried to plug the lights up and leaned to much and broke the stand, so we had to move it and tie it to the wall. He got upset about it but I told him it was no big deal, they sell universal stands so I should be able to just get a stand for it next year. Of course I will give him a hard time about it for many years to come! lol

Stephen had the kids from Friday the 19th until Christmas Eve. they had a good time with him. I got to get Piper on the 23rd for her Birthday, so I took her to McDonald's and since she had already had lunch she got an ice cream. And then we went to walmart and she picked out a birthday present. We have started doing it that way, on their Birthday one of us takes them to Walmart and lets them pick out what they want and then we get them something for their party that's a surprise.

We went to my parents yesterday, the kids got even more toys they don't need. lol

Is this really my life?

I never imagined I would be a single mom. If someone had told me 10 years, or even 1 year ago that I would be divorced I would have told them they were crazy. I would have told them I had the perfect husband, the perfect marriage, the perfect life. A year ago I had all that, I had everything I ever wanted out of life. You know, most people grow up dreaming of what they want to be, like astronauts, or president, or a nurse, doctor lawyer. My only dream was to get married and raise a big family. Yes, I did want to be a teacher but not enough that the idea of not getting to be a teacher bothered me. I knew as long as I had a family I would be happy with my life. For ten years, I got to live my dream. I guess I was lucky there, some people don't get their dream at all. I am very thankful I was happy for those 10 years. Although I now realize everything was not as perfect as I thought. Yes, I had a great husband, but I have recently found out that I had a husband that held back and didn't talk to me. How can you be married to someone for so long and not talk to them? How can you be miserable and not tell your spouse? I'm not saying he was miserable, but I have a feeling that if he held so much back from me there was at least some point in our marriage that he was not happy at all. That makes me very sad that I was so happy and content with our life together and he might have been just the opposite. I feel as though my whole marriage was a lie, and that hurts. How do I trust another man after the one I loved with all my heart and trusted with every fiber of my being was not completely up front and honest with me and held stuff back because he was worried about my reaction? He wouldn't tell me how he felt about something if he thought it would cause a fight. I am really surprised we lasted 10 years, but I guess that's why we did. And I was always so proud of the fact we didn't fight alot, but again now I know why we didn't.

Will I get another chance? Will I find someone who will love me and only me for who I am just the way I am? Someone who will tell me when I am not being fair or when I mess up and don't realize it? Stephen was my 1st true love, but I don't believe he was the love of my life. If he was the love of my life we would still be together, so since it is not him, did I miss out on finding the love of my life or is it still possible he is out there and will except me and all that comes with me?

I am happy with my life right now, but my mind is already wandering. I cant help but wonder when I will meet someone who will brighten my day just because I heard his voice. I miss the little things like that.

Who is Marymont Springs?

This was a comment on my post. I can not see the picture to figure out who you are. Will you tell me please? lol

Marymont Springs said...
Where are you at now? M'boro??How's Dell going??Hang in there girlie!! You are such a strong chick and only good things will happen for you!

I am in Gordonsville, I am actually re-thinking moving to murfreesboro, I am afraid it will be to hard on the kids. Dell is going good! Some long hours though! Thank you!

Midterms

Jade got 92 science midterm, 80 reading, 98 math, 82 english, 96 spelling, 64 social studies

Txt Publishing

If you are wondering why there are a bunch of small posts its because I figured out how to post from a text, but only have limited space.

Piper

I'm missing my first day of work today. Piper got up sick. She has been throwing up and has diareah. My poor baby is stuck sitting on the toilet because every time she gets up, she has an accident. I have already had to change sheets on my bed, hers and scrub two spots on the carpet. I have 3 trash bags of stuff to take to Stephens to wash.

Kids

It finally dawned on me yesterday, that when I drop the kids off at Stephens on Friday morning I wont see them for 6 days. They will not be home until Christmas eve. Stephen is going to let me get Piper for a while on the 23rd since its her birthday.

Well the kids and I now live in an apartment. It is kinda small for 4 kids but it will do. Its really weird not having Stephen there, and being in a place he has never lived. Stephen and I took one load Friday night, we filled both vans and then that was all I could do! I was so exhausted from work. I had to work Saturday and Stephen and my cousin Missy moved a bunch for me! I don't know how I would have ever gotton it done if it wasn't for them! Missy stayed the night with me and we stayed up all night unpacking! The only thing left is the girls room, because we couldn't get the bolts into the top bunk! (Missy- we were using the wrong bolts! There were 2 that looked the same but one had bigger threads!) Missy left around 12 and I was alone until the kids came home. It was really weird, plus I was having a bad afternoon, so that just made me emotional. And it doesn't help that I should be starting soon. I tried to put in a movie to listen to so it wasn't so quite but something happened to my DVD player! So now I have nothing! I have a itty bitty TV, but no cable and no DVD player. I know I don't watch alot of TV but since I don't have a radio either I usually either listen to a movie or put a CD in the DVD player to listen to.
I am still trying to find a babysitter for after the 1st of the year. I am not sure what to do!
Anyway, I wont have Internet for a bit, but I did figure out how to post on her from my cell phone.

Things are starting to look up a little

I start at Dell on Monday. Its supposed to be 6 am to 2:30 p.m but they are doing overtime right now so its 6 to 4:30 Monday through Saturday with Sunday possible. The biggest worry with Dell is that when you hit 1450 hours they lay you off and you have to wait 100 days before going back. They don't hire very often, but after 90 days if they start hiring, I can go online and apply.

I looked into an apartment in Gordonsville last week, I decided I don't want to move the kids out of county until school is out for the summer. Well, I thought I found a great deal a 3 bedroom 2 bath for $590.00 a month and with their move in special it would only be $375.00 to move in, plus the electric deposit which I thought would be $200.00 is actually $280.00! Yeah Yikes on the electric deposit! But when I went to look at it, they guy on the phone had told me wrong, the apartment is only $535.00!!! Can you believe that? So I managed to come up with the money and was supposed to be moving in Friday but they didn't get the approval yet! They are still waiting on the complex owner to say OK. Which sucks because now I am starting work Monday and whenever I can move I will be getting off after 10 hours and have to move and unpack! ugh! Stephen said he will help me move though, so that is a plus. I was just so disappointed to not be able to move this weekend.

Starla got into some trouble at school. She drew a picture that she said was a book cover for a story she was writing. The title was "Revenge" and the drawing was of stick figure standing there with a knife and another stick figure stuck on the knife. When her teacher 1st asked her about it Starla said it was just a book cover. Now I have talked to Starla before about drawing stuff like that at school. I know she likes scary stuff, she always has so I have never been concerned over her drawings. Unfortunately, the principal was very concerned and called in 2 social workers from the Central office. When they asked Starla about the drawing, she said it was her and the kid on the knife was a boy named Tyler, yes a kid in her class. You can only imagine how much worse this made things. If Starla was in high school, she would have been suspended for a year! If she had wrote the boys name on the paper, even being in 3rd grade, she would have been suspended for a year! Now the Social workers from the central office have told me that I HAVE to get Starla into counseling or its medical neglect, Which don't get me wrong, with everything going on I want her to go to counseling, but the thing is our insurance has a $400.00 deductible so the 1st 6 visits are going to be $65.00 each and I just don't have that kind of money right now. The school system is willing to pay for the 1st visit, but its up to Stephen and I after that. All of this with Starla really has me rethinking the move to Murfreesboro. I am afraid its going to be to hard on them to be that far from their dad. Plus this school is just amazing, seriously, if Starla was in a Rutherford county school and was caught with that drawing, she would have been suspended for a year regardless.

This is probably going to sound a little crazy. I have never had school clothes and play clothes for my kids, it was just to much, and there are to many of them. With putting a mixture of clothes in their closets they would try to wear stuff to school that was meant only for play, and stuff for play that should have been for school. So I stopped having both, once something was to the point where it couldn't be worn to school I would toss it. So they wear out their school clothes quicker cause they play in them to. Well, tonight I thought of a solution! They have a color system with their hangers, each kid has their own color, so they know what is theirs. This has worked for years. So I am going to try a color system with their clothes. I am going to use sharpies and put a colored dot on the tag. One color for school, one for play, one for nice(church, going somewhere dressy). That way I don't have to get rid of clothes when they are still good, but not good enough for school! Once it "downgrades" from school all I have to do is color over the 1st dot with black and then put the play clothes color on the tag! I think this just might work.

lost

Have you ever felt so lost that you don't know what to to? That's how I feel today. I have so much I need to get done, and so much I want to do, but today I have no "want" to do any of it. I feel like I am in a blur. I just feel like I want to run away and never look back. Don't worry the sane part of me is keeping me grounded. I know realistically, I could never just take off like that. I could never leave my kids, and I could never take them away from everything and everyone they know. I feel like I am in an endless circle of hurt and confusion. Its amazing how much what someone doesn't say can turn your world upside down and make you realize you are not who you thought you were.

I have always considered myself a good person, someone who would do anything for anyone without asking for anything in return. I have always felt like I gave 100% of myself to my family and friends without thinking of how it would benefit me. I have always thought I was pretty selfless, in that way. I always thought I tried my best not to take advantage of people. I have never thought of myself as materialistic. I always thought that I was happy with my life and what I had. I always thought I would help someone out even if it inconvenienced me.

I was wrong about all of it. I have come to realize, I am the type of person that I can not stand. I am very selfish and self serving. I am not grateful and thankful enough for what I have or have had in my life. I can apparently take advantage of people without their ever knowing, without my ever knowing for that matter.

Its a very dark time when you find out you are not the person you thought you were. I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment, but I know its there and I will find it and I will be OK. I will get through this and be stronger in the end. I always am. At least I think I am.

Sleepless night

I hate sleepless nights! I just have so much on my mind tonight that I can not get to sleep. So here it is 3:30 in the morning and I am sitting her on the pc. I was working on getting Jades room painted, but I just couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. So I came out here to play on the computer. I re-did my myspace page, I tried out their new version. Its kinda neat, I like it. Its more like editing on here, I haven't tried to add graphics, so I am not sure how that would work, but anyway.

Have you ever thought you knew what type of person you are, just to find out you have been completely wrong about yourself your whole life? Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous. I realized some things tonight that just are not sitting well with me, and they came as a big shock. How do you screw up so much and so often and not realize it? How do you keep yourself from becoming or continuing to be the person you don't want to be? How do you find the bravery to face the world and say "this is me, like me for who I am or leave me alone?" How can anything you have ever done matter, or be right if you are not who you thought you were? How do you forgive yourself for the choices you made that deeply affected someone elses life? Choices that if you had not made, their life and yours would have been completely different. How do you face yourself in the mirror and not see the monster underneath? How do you teach your children to be strong and to believe in their selves, when you don't even know how to do that for yourself?

Yes, my mind has gone screwy on me tonight, I literally feel like I belong in that pink padded room that I often joke about.

In 3 days, the waiting period on our divorce will be up, if we had the $750.00 for the lawyer, we would be officially divorced in 3 days. I want this over and done with. I want us to go our separate ways. I want to be friends for the kids, but put enough space between us that the confusion and the hurt stops. I am so tired of hurting, I am so emotionally exhausted from trying to figure my life out. I honestly do not know how Stephen and I made it 10 years together. We are so different, we want completely different things out of life. Other then our children, I can not think of one thing we have in common. Neither of us can say with any certainty, that if I had not gotten pregnant we would have still gotten married. I don't believe we would have. I do not regret the last 10 years, I do not regret marrying him, or having children with him, but I know we are not meant to be together for the rest of our lives. I am a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason." I think we were brought together to help each other "grow up." I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but oh well.

I want to move, I don't want to be in this house anymore. Its to hard, its to much of a reminder. I want us both to be able to move on with our lives. I just want to figure out who I am and be happy again.

The house is listed!

Well, the house was listed today.We listed it for $84,900, which the Realtors think we may end up only getting close to 80,000. Which would suck. She only took pictures of the outside until I am done painting. Which I was kind of not happy with. I felt like she could have taken pictures and mentioned in the listing which rooms were going to be painted and then updated pictures as I got them done instead of only putting the front of the house on there right now.
If we get the $84,900 it would mean roughly $14,000 after the mortgage and fees which would be around $6,000 a piece for me and Stephen, after we pay his brother back and pay for the divorce.

So I have alot of work to do as quickly as I can. Want to know my list? Well I'm going to tell you even if you don't! lol

Paint Jades room walls and trim
Paint kids bathroom walls and trim
Paint Hall
Move Starla and Piper into Jades room
Make their old room a den
Paint hallway walls and trim
Paint trim in front room
Paint over hand prints in front room
Lay tile on fireplace (anyone know how to do this one?)
Paint trim in Kitchen
Touch up where blue got on Kitchen ceilings
Paint my room
*Paint foyer walls and trim
Haul off junk outside by shed
Burn as much of brush pile as I can
Figure out what to do with pieces to big to burn
Get a storage
Move as much out of house as possible
Clean out closets (yuck!)
Clean gutters
Clean out shed

*means I got it done! yay me! lol

Wow, I think that may be it! lol Yup I'm doomed! Well now I am just going to copy this to my blog so I don't have to re-type it and I might as well print my to-do list so I don't forget anything! Ohh and on top of everything else I have a nice head cold! Isn't that fun!

p.s. Meredith- I hope you got my text the other night! My brain is SO fried! I should have asked you to call me! I remembered at 10:30!


Ohh yeah here is the link!

http://www.crye-leike.com/main/browsedetail.php?region=Middle+Tennessee&mgrp=12&p=3&ln=23&tid=nashville&mlsnum=1035537&ltb=1&cid[0]=636

http://www.realtracs.com/PropertyDetail.aspx?PropertyClass=RES&DMQL=(AreaID%3d%7c93)%2c(ZipCode%3d38547)%2c(ListingStatusID%3d1)%2c(OfficeListIsActive%3d1)%2c(OfficeListIsIDX%3d1)%2c(IsListedOnInternet%3d1)&AreaID=93&MlsNum=1035537&Digest=7aC4itPeavIPkdc6Senz5Q

I decided to sell the house. I called the realtor that found the house for us and he was supposed to come out last Tuesday and he never showed, never called anything. So I called my parents landlord, he is a realtor with Crie Lyke ( I know I spelt that wrong) lol, there is a lady in his office that lives out this way, so he referred me to her. She was going to come out this morning but after talking to her and realizing I needed to paint most of the rooms in here and pack what I could, I ended up calling her last night and rescheduling for Tuesday. I have worked non-stop almost since Thursday and still could not get everything ready. You can barely even walk in my room. I am exhausted! I feel like I am wearing myself out for nothing.

I have alot to say but my head is fuzzy right now, so i'll come back later.

Decisions, Decisions

I have been thinking about some things lately. The biggest of which is selling the house and moving back to Smyrna. My biggest problem with this is moving the kids that far from Stephen, I just don't know that I feel right about it. He has said its OK, and he will still see the kids, but I am worried it will make it harder on them. We have still not told them about the divorce and are not going to until after Starla has her birthday party next weekend. So how do I throw all that on them at one? That we are going through the divorce and we may move to Smyrna? How do I do that? I have never made a big decision on my own, and this is huge, so it scares the crap out of me that I may make the wrong decision.

Costume

Almost 20 days

Well, I may have lost my readers by now. I have not been sure what to write about so I haven't been on here in awhile. I have really been struggling with not having a job. I feel like I am holding Stephen and I both back from moving on because he cant move out until I have a job. I know he says I am not but I feel like such a burden. I need to find something soon. We need to be able to move on.

Anyway, since my last post we have had alot going on around here. Piper got to go on her 1st field trip last Monday, the 20th. We went to Amazin Acres in Sparta, the kids loved it. The top picture is Pipers whole Pre-K class, the bottom is me Piper and Abigail. Abigail was stuck with me and Piper for the day.

On the 18th, I got to join Meredith and Tanya (moms from the group) for dinner at Chilis in Lebanon, I had a really good time. I felt kinda bad cause I got a little emotional from the drinks I had. I tend to get emotional and ramble when I drink and have alot on my mind.

Jade went to her 1st dance at school on Saturday the 25th, she was gorgeous! She had a blast, ans ended up spending the night with Bethany, a friend in her class.

The same night, my cousin had her sons birthday party. She had a bonfire and hay ride. It was really fun. Stephen took Anakin to his parents with him, so I only had to take Starla and Piper to the party, so I got to enjoy it too.

I know there is more, but I can't think of it right now!

My halloween costume

I almost have it finished. I wanted to be something "fancy" this year, so I have tried my hand at making a dress from the Renaissance era. I need to bring the hem up just a bit more, I am walking on it, even in heels. The bodice is just pinned together in the front right now, I have not decided how I want to complete it. I am still debating on adding sleeves. I know Renaissance dresses had sleeves, but I kinda like it sleeveless. I was thinking of maybe addins a shawl instead of sleeves. Anyway, here it is:

Johnny and June

Have you heard that song? The other night, Stephen, the kids and I went to walmart and it started playing. Stephen all of the sudden seemed bothered by something but he wouldn't tell me what. He just said he would tell me later. When we got home and he told me what had changed his mood, I was shocked, to say the least. When Walk the Line came out, I had told Stephen it reminded me of us. The trouble we had in the beginning of our marriage. Johnny never gave up on June, he kept fighting for her even though she wanted nothing to do with it. And because he did they ended up together. That's what we went through when we separated in 2000. If Stephen had given up, we would have been over then. The fact that he didn't and he fought for me made me realize how much I loved him and that I didn't want to go on without him. Well, I just assumed he never listened to me when I would say stuff like that, I just though it was an "in one ear, out the other" type thing. I was wrong. That is why the song upset him, he said it reminds him of that time, of how we were. He even said 2 parts of the song word for word. I was so shocked, I was literally speechless(yes, you may insert joke here). I gotta say, I believed him completely, I felt like he was being completely and utterly truthful with me right then. I went and found the lyrics for it.

Oh there's something 'bout a man in black,
Makes me want to buy a cadillac,
Throw the top back,
And roll down to Jackson town,
I wanna be there on the stage with you,
You and I could be the next page two,
Hear the crowd roar,
Make 'em want more,
Kick the footlights out,

I wanna love like Johnny and June,
Rings of fire burnin' with you,
I wanna walk the line,
Walk the line,
'Till the end of time,
I wanna love,
Love ya that much,
Cash it all in,
Give it all up,
When you're gone,
I wanna go too,
Like Johnny and June,

I wanna hold you baby right or wrong,
Build a world around a country song,
Pray a sweet prayer,
Follow you there,
Down in history,

I wanna love like Johnny and June,
Rings of fire burnin' with you,
I wanna walk the line,
Walk the line,
'Till the end of time,
I wanna love,
Love ya that much,
Cash it all in,
Give it all up,
When you're gone,
I wanna go too,
Like Johnny and June,

Like Johnny and June,
More than life itself,
No-one else,
This endless promise,
They don't make love like that anymore,
Is that too much to be askin' for,

I wanna love like Johnny and June,
Rings of fire burnin' with you,
I wanna walk the line,
Walk the line,
'Till the end of time,
I wanna love,
Love ya that much,
Cash it all in,
Give it all up,
When you're gone,
I wanna go too,
Like Johnny and June,

Like Johnny and June,
And when we're gone,
There'll be no tears to cry,
Only memories of our lives,
They'll remember, remember,
A love like that.

Its been an emotionally hard week. When will the good happy days out number the sad depressed days? I try to be in a good mood and be happy, but sometimes its like my mind just wont let me. I try to put aside all that has happened and focus on the here and now, but my mind still wonders back to everything that has happened. When will the doubts go away? When will I be able to accept this as my life and move on? I hate the feeling of being in limbo, not knowing where my life is going. I just keep trying to figure out why I didn't notice there was a bigger problem in my marriage before it was to late. I have never regreted or wanted to change any part of my life, up until now. I would give anything to go back to January 1, 2008 and fix what was wrong in my marriage. I would give anything to have the life I used to have. When am I going to stop wanting that? I know there is no going back, I know my marriage is over and I need to move on, so when do I get to? When will I find the strength to move on? Will it get easier once its final by law and Stephen moves out? Or is it going to get harder first? Will it feel like it did when he left the first time? or will I handle it better since its not so unexpected this time? 

Stephen and I got into a pretty big fight last week I think it was. At one point he asked me if I blamed him for the divorce, I told him, I know we had some minor problems in our marriage, and I know I had somethings to work on, but honestly yes, I do blame him. I know that's probably unhealthy for me to put all the blame on him, but I honestly did not know our marriage was that bad off that we were heading towards a divorce. I knew we had some minor problems like the lack of time we had together, and I was so down on myself for gaining weight while he was losing it that I would make very mean remarks, this I didn't realize I was doing until he finally told me after we started talking about splitting up. When I think about it now I know how bad I was. I was not myself, I was the type of person I despise, the type of person that make other feel bad about themselves so that they can feel better about them. When I realized this it tore me up, I could not stand the thought I had become that person. Especially when all Stephen ever did was try to make me believe in myself and see what he saw. I really tried to see me from his point of view, for 10 years I tried. When I went over 300 lbs. and he stopped saying the stuff I had heard from him for 10 years, I felt like he was disgusted with me and I guess that's when my attitude started changing. 

My mind is wandering in so many different directions that this post is not in any type of order and may not make sense at all. But I need to try to get some of this mess out of my head. Why do I let things, thoughts get to me when I know they shouldn't? I hate that. I just want to let it all go, forget the last couple months and move on with my life. How do you get built up anger and frustration out when you are not a violent person? I just really want to smash the hell out of something but can not bring myself to do it. 

I feel like Stephens parents blame be for all this. I have never in my life had anyone make me feel like I am a lousy, selfish person, but they do. I know I am not lousy or selfish, I would do anything to help anyone, even if it meant having less for myself. I don't know for sure but I have the feeling they don't agree with me keeping the house, and even though I am not asking for much for child support they still think I am going to take him for all I can. I honestly do think more child support then I have asked for would be fair, but  I am trying to help him out so that he doesn't struggle either. I was hoping that after the divorce things would not be uncomfortable with his parents, I still consider them family, they are after all, they are my kids grandparents. But how do yo keep trying when someone keeps making you feel like your a bad person?

I joined a couple of online support groups for divorced moms the other day. I am hoping it will help get me through this to be able to talk to other moms that have been through similar situations. The wonderful friends I have in Rutherford Kids and Moms have been wonderful support, and so have the friends I have outside of the group along with family. Even though I am pretty sure they are not and don't think this way, I feel like such a failure in everyone else's eyes. I feel like I have let my kids down, myself, my family, my friends, and even Stephen. 

There is more, lots more but unfortunately my mind has went blank. Well maybe not unfortunately, it kind of feels good to get all this out and not have the confusion in my head. So if you made it to the end of this congratulations, you survived round one of Ellen's screwed up head! 

11 years

The last couple of days have been very emotional for me. September 30th was the day Stephen and I had our 1st kiss and became a couple. Its been 11 years. I remember how happy I was and how blown away I was by the fact that he was interested in me. I don't really know what to say right now, I did start this post on September 30th, but my emotions were so mixed up I just quit writing.

Ramblings

I keep forgetting stuff I want to put on here, so this post will pretty much be a jumble of different things.

Jade and Evan's Birthday Party Day went really well. We almost stuck to our schedule! Everything started right on time, up until Jades, hers started 30 minutes late(which is awesome for me! lol I am usually at least on hour behind) because we were waiting on her best friend. She loved her necklace and earrings. She was really tickled over the stuff she got from everyone which included some new clothes, squishy pillows, and $105.00! My cousin gave her a throw rug that had been my grandfathers, she was tickled to know she has something that was my pop-pops. She had 4 friends spend the night, it was fun. I let them play dress-up with my make-up, and they did each others nails. I can't tell you how many times I opened the door and one or all of them had balloon boobs! lol Who would have thought five 10 year old girls, could go through 7 packs of pop corn!?

Piper told me the other night that she has a boyfriend! She said his name is Drew. I asked her why is he her boyfriend and she said cause he likes me and he gets mad when (some other little boy, I forgot his name) talks to me. She sounded so proud when she was telling me! lol

Anakin is driving me nuts with "mama, mama, mama" ALL the time! I love him to death, and have enjoyed my time here with him, but the boy does not take no for an answer! All no does is prolong the "mama, mama, mama" or changes it to "mommy, mommy, mommy." He wouldn't even go to Stephen last night! I think I have turned him into a mama's boy(yes, I love that idea! hehe) He is obsessed with He-Man, and has moved on from using empty water bottles to wanting a full one for a sword! Does NOT feel the same when he wants you to "sword fight" and the bottle is full!

Starla is getting an Outstanding Vol award tonight at school, its for outstanding citizenship qualities in the classroom. She gets a t-shirt, certificate, and her picture will be in the paper. She also won 3rd place in a bus safety poster contest for grades k-4! I'm so proud of her!

Anakin is standing here right now saying "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" but will not say what he wants. He is 2 1/2 and speaks really well, so I refuse to follow him around to find out what he wants.

I don't think I blogged about report cards either. Jade got "Honorable mention" her lowest grade was an 81(I think, I know it wasn't lower), that was in Social Studies which the whole class is struggling with. They got new books and new workbooks this year in every grade and the state has made it ridiculous! Even 3rd grade, Starla's teacher stopped using the workbook because she had trouble getting the answers! Can you believe that? They said the new books have something to do with TN students not being as ready for college as students from other states. Starla made Honor Roll, and Piper(yes, I was so excited Pre-K gets report cards!) knows everything she is supposed to know at this point.

The other night I decided to go for a walk, Stephen and I had been fighting and I just needed to get away. I was gone 1 hr 10 min when he found me, I walked out one end of our road, up the main road to the other end. When I checked the mileage the next day I walked 2.7 miles, he picked me up .1 mile from the house. The worst part was that I didn't think before I left and was bare foot!! (yes, my feet really really hurt!) I still can not walk barefoot! I have to keep my flip flops or slippers on! My feet are raw!

Jade Birthday gifts

This is the balloon and rose I sent to school for Jade, and the Bratz doll she picked out after lunch with her dad. We are getting her a birthstone necklace, but she doesn't know yet because she dont get that till her party.

Happy Birthday Jade!!!!!!

I wanted to put this in a separate post from my bad news one. Can you believe my baby is 10 years old today!!!!!? Where does the time go? She was a tiny newborn just yesterday! I swear she was! Of course since I am an overly emotional person, I cried when I told her happy birthday this morning! Stephen is picking her up from school early to take her out to lunch. I called this morning and had a balloon and a rose sent to her.

Just when you think it cant get worse

I got let go from my job on Friday. I had missed 3 days in the 2.5 months I had been there, and even though they new about 2 of them ahead of time, it didn't matter. So now on top of everything else going on I have to find a new job! Does that not suck!? They didn't even tell me themselves, they left a message on the voicemail at home! I didn't come home Friday after work, so Stephen called to tell me.

Friday night, I went and played Bunco with the moms group. I had a great time! I enjoyed seeing everyone so much! It reminded me how much I miss the great friends I have in Rutherford County! I won $50.00! All the times I have played, its the 2nd time I have won something! So I was really thrilled!

Then Saturday, Aunt Sally and I had a yard sale. It was a bomb! I make $14.00, that's it! That wasn't even enough to cover gas to get home! But I enjoyed seeing her and getting to chat.

Its been filed

On August 28th, our divorce was finally filed with the court. The 1st couple of days after I was pretty much a mess. Each day that has gone by has gotten easier. I am still scared shitless of starting over with 4 kids in tow. I have never been on my own by myself let alone with 4 kids to raise. I know Stephen will be around for them and will help when help is needed, but I will be the main one responsible for them. Stephen is staying with us a bit longer, just until he can afford a place to move.

I am exhausted. I'm not sure why but I have had alot of trouble keeping my energy up lately. I always feel worn out. Emotional stress maybe? I don't know. I would just really love to feel like me again.

Gutters YUCK!

Well, yesterday for the 1st time in my life I cleaned out gutters! I have to say it was absolutely disgusting. Next year with income tax, I will be buying the gutters that have the shield over them! I really didn't care for the ladder to much either.

I also went fishing alone for the 1st time yesterday. I actually really enjoyed it. I found the perfect spot. It was across a guard rail and I was sitting on rocks. It was a spot where there is that big tunnel that goes under the road. I laid a blanket down and wiggled in the rocks till I had a perfect comfortable position. It was so peaceful and quiet. When the sun started going down there were a ton of little fish about 1-2 inches big jumping in and out of the water, it was kind of mesmerizing. I got so lost in thought, just watching, that when a big fish that was about 2 feet long jumped out of the water it scared the crap out of me! lol I laughed so hard! If anyone would have seen me they probably would have thought I had lost my mind! When it started to get dark, I didn't want to leave. I called home to tell them I would be a bit longer and when I hung up the phone and looked down a snake was coming out of the tunnel towards me! I have no idea how big he was, part of him was still in the tunnel. I jumped and grabbed everything and was over the guard rail pretty quickly. Then I looked back and my phone was still down there! I had to go back! Anything else I would have just left, but I could not leave my phone!

I don't really feel up to talking about marriage / divorce stuff today, so I will try to update on that later.

The kids are doing good. Jade and Starla are excited about being back in school, and Piper is loving Pre-K. Anakin is a brat as always, he has really gotten into He-Man so everything is a sword and he runs around yelling "by the power of greyskull" which is really funny to hear a 2 year old saying! lol

My parents and sister will be moving out next weekend, so I am excited about having my house back. My dad is doing better. I felt so bad last night I hit his belly playing around! I completely forgot about him being sore! Luckily I hit higher then his incisions! I was ready to cry!

I can not remember the last time I updated on losing weight but I was 305 at the end of May and I am now................(shouldn't there be a drum role here...lol)..........267! So I am down 38 pounds! I feel so much better! I am hoping to lose more! I would love to get under 250, I have not been under 250 since Starla was born. So wish me luck!

My Daddy

My dad had surgery Tuesday to have his gallbladder out and to have a hernia in his belly button fixed. It was supposed to be a same day surgery, but when they went to repair the hernia something happened and his intestines tore. They repaired it but he has to stay in the hospital for a couple days. Jeannie and I are going to go see him in a bit. Jeannie said she asked him earlier on the phone how he was doing and he said he was miserable.

I can't.

Why does everything have to be so hard and confusing? Stephen and I spent alot of time together the last week or two. We even talked about working things out and had both put our wedding bands back on, although we knew we had at least until October, since he couldn't come home until my parents and sister move out. On Saturday the 2nd, Stephen went with the kids and I to my cousins little boys 1st birthday party, we had a really good time. It felt like what it used to. Him and the kids spent the night with me Saturday night and everything was going good. I felt like I was falling back in-love with him. When I had to take him home Sunday night it tore me up, I cried all the way there and all the way home and for awhile after I got home, I didn't want him to leave. I was in a good mood all day Monday and was so excited when it was time to get off work and knew that I would be seeing him, I felt the same way Tuesday, and then again Wednesday. But Wednesday is when everything changed. He didn't want to come over and I felt like he was changing his mind again. When I finally got him to talk to me I found out he was worried over alot of "what ifs" like what if things go back the way they were, and we end up here again, stuff like that. He ended up coming over anyway, and I tried to convince him everything would work out. Thursday when I got off work, I was talking to him on my way home, he said he was going to come see me, I took that as a good sign and thought maybe I worried for nothing, that everything would be OK. Well, by the time he got here, he didn't seem like he was OK. I asked him a couple of times and he kept saying he was. Then Friday afternoon, he tells me he didn't really want to be here Thursday, but he didn't want to hurt my feelings so he stayed. That really hurt, I felt like I made him do something he didn't want to.
I dropped off the papers at the lawyers office today. I am so mad and frustrated that the divorce is actually happening, even through everything I didn't want this. I wanted to fix our problems and put our marriage back together. I did fall back in-love with him, I love him with all my heart, but for the 1st time in my life, I don't believe love is always enough. I have got to stop hurting, I can not take anymore. My heart has been broken over and over again the last 3 months, and I need it to stop. I need to start healing and be strong enough to build a life for me and my babies. I will miss him, more then he or anyone will ever know, but I have to let go. I am very thankful for the 10 years I had with him, although I do hate that it has ended. I always thought when I got married it would be for life. I would have never thought I would be a 27 year old divorced mom of 4.

I am so mixed up right now, trying to figure out what I want and what I need to do. I hate regrets and swore I would not go through with a divorce if it meant I had any regrets. In my heart I know this should not be happening, but in my head I can not think of one good reason to keep trying. All I can think is that I will just get hurt again, or the kids will get hurt. I look around and think he should be here with us. I want to call him, just to hear his voice or send him a text just to know he is there. I want to know if he is thinking of me. Am I stuck in his head as he is stuck in mine? Does he miss me when I am not around? Does he really love me or is he just not ready to let go? Does he wonder what I am doing when he hasn't heard from me in awhile? I guess these where/are the things I needed to know, but instead of him telling me without me asking he shut down. Or I would ask and then feel like he was only telling me what I wanted to hear. He wrote me a little note one day about "moments" together and it made me feel so good, I cried when I read it. I felt like he thought of me all the time like I had been thinking of him, but then a couple days later he just seemed like he didn't miss me, or wasn't anxious for our next moment together.

10 days later

Well, since I have been working, I don't have as much time to write on here! So I have quite a bit to write about. Whether I get all of it on here today or not is a whole other story!
First I need to say Thank-You to a very sweet lady! Back in April, I had ordered a family plague and even with the divorce I was still going to get it for the kids but because of my finances I hadn't yet been able to. This wonderful lady sent the plaque for the kids as a gift! I cried when I opened it and read her note, and again when I explained to the kids who it was from. She makes some awesome stuff so if you get a chance check her out!
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5569166
Another Thank you I need to say is to Meredith! Meredith if you read this, I am sorry for saying it so late but thank you so much for the card! It came on a day that I was having a hard day so it helped cheer me up!

I had a really short weekend, since I worked Saturday until 6:30! Then Jeannie met me in Lebanon and we went to Outback for Supper. We were both very disappointed! It was not what I expected! We did find a very good drink though! It was Strawberry-Kiwi Lemonade, it was a slush and had vodka in it that you couldn't taste! lol

Sunday I took Stephen and the kids to lunch at McDonalds and we let the kids play for a bit, then Stephen and I went to see The Dark Knight, it was awesome! We talked alot last weekend, we basically said our goodbyes as husband and wife, we do want to remain friends. The Sunday night there was an unexpected turn of events, I guess you would say. Stephen called and said he still loves me. I honestly don't think I have ever been more shocked in my life. For the first 2 months after we separated I hoped everyday he would say that, when he finally did it was to late. My feelings have changed, I was hurt to much. I do still miss him at times, I miss all the little things, like holding hands and staying up late just laying in bed together talking. I miss what we had. We met at Chilis Tuesday after work to talk, and I told him I want the divorce. I really believe that even if I could fall in-love with him again, we would never have what we did. To much happened, to much that I wouldn't be able to let go of for years to come if ever. I know this hurts him, that I still want the divorce and I am really very sorry for that. I do hope that he still wants to be friends, he has been my best friend for the last 10 years, I don't want to lose that.

On another note, I stopped at Fantastic Sams on the way home today to get my hair cut. BIG HUGE mistake! The girl didn't listen and cut it to short! Then when I got home and really looked at it, its not straight! Mom noticed spots in the back that are bad! I am going to have to get it cut again to get it fixed which is going to make it ALOT shorter then I wanted it!

Wow, the weekend goes by really fast when you work! This weekend has flown by! I can't even remember what I did Friday night! lol As I write hopefully I will remember! Saturday me, my parents, my kids, and my sister all went fishing. We got drenched in the rain but the kids still loved it! Jeannie and I both each caught a little sunny but that was it. I didn't even catch mine with my pole! I made a drop line with a bobber on it that was tied to my bathing suit top! lol Anakin loved fishing! I ended up taking his hook off and I put a couple weights on with his bobber so it would sink when he threw it in and every time he would reel it in he would say :I got a fish, I got a fish!" Later Saturday night, Jeannie, me and my friend Chelsie decided to go night fishing! We went up to the dam. Jeannie caught a catfish, I couldn't catch anything but rocks that would eat my hooks, and Chelsie kept catching seaweed! lol This morning I went by Stephens to pick up something, then he went to the park with us. The kids played for almost 2 hours, it really didn't seem like we were there that long. Then Stephens mom picked him up so he could go to her job with her to help with something, and Anakin wanted to go with him. So he has Anakin for a couple hours today. The girls are in their room playing, surprisingly they are playing quietly! lol

On another note, I have been really emotional the last couple of days, I think it is really just from my period. But I have just been really down, I worry about being able to support the kids financially, and with school coming up with 3 of them going since Piper is starting Pre-K, I know its going to be really expensive, plus Anakin really needs new clothes and shoes too, and I only have 3 paychecks between now and school, and so much stuff due! Triad is going to give me the 2 month extensions on the van but the emailed me a paper I have to print, sign and fax to them, but I have no way to print or fax it! Then on top of worrying about financial stuff I am starting to struggle with moving on. I want to move on, I want to be ready to get on with my life, but I don't know how. I was so young when Stephen and I got married, he has been a huge part of my existence for the last 10 years, all I have known and been has revolved around him and our kids and even though I want to move on, I want to get out and date, and to find someone who I will get excited over seeing and talking to, I don't know how. I honestly, do not know how to be me without him here. That is so hard, because even though I care about him as a friend, there are no other feelings there, I am 100% certain I do not love him anymore, those feelings are long gone. How do I get past this? How do I make myself relax and not worry about getting hurt again? I just want to be happy again. I have been working on my self esteem and confidence so much lately, but still I find myself thinking bad about myself. Like when I see a cute guy, stuff like, "your to big for him," or "what are you thinking he's not looking at you" pop in my head. I hate that, how do I stop that from happening? Why cant I actually believe a guy might find me attractive? And its not all of me, I love my personality, and I think I am a very good person, I would do anything for anybody, even if it meant taking away from what I have, but its the outside I have trouble with. And its weird, because I am comfortable with my body, Stephen has made me that way over the years, and still when I am around him I feel pretty, so why cant I accept that if I caught his attention there is still a possibility of someone else noticing me? I even got asked out by a guy at work the other day, and I turned him down, I told him I wasn't ready, but I want to be, how do I get where I want to be? I don't know if much of this made sense, it is really the confusion in my head that I am trying to work out.

Work

Well I started at Tacle Monday. I like the work, but the hours are killing me! I already have 31.5 hours and its only Wednesday! I have not been getting off until 6:30-6:45! I am completely exhausted! I knew it was going to be rough the 1st couple weeks because I was off for so long, but I didn't expect this much over time! The guy at Areotek told me 5:30-6:00 at the latest, then I find out they can keep us until 7:45 when 3rd comes in if they want to! Plus, we go by Nissans schedule, so if Nissan works over, we have to too. Like tonight we hit our numbers around 5:15, but Nissan decided to work until 5:45, so we were stuck there until 6:30. Mom set up the foot bath thing for me tonight, so I could soak my feet, then she massaged my feet with come menthol stuff that is supposed to take the soreness out of your feet. It works good! My feet feel SO much better!

Stephen got the kids Thursday evening, I just relaxed the rest of the evening. I sat outside in my lawn chair reading till it was almost dark. Stephen called and we talked out the fight we had, I think it came down to us just misunderstanding each other. Friday I went out on a friends boat with them. It was awesome! I have never been on a ski boat! I loved it! When it got dark, I went over to Stephens and helped him shoot fireworks for the kids. I had a good time. Saturday me and Jeannie took mom to her eye appointment, then we went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant that was awesome! I also got to go trade some books in at a used book store in Lebanon! I love that store! All paperbacks are 1/2 the publishers price, so I got a stack to fill in holes in my collection of authors I collect. When we got home, Jeannie and I went back out on the boat with Chelsie and John. We went all the way to Ciligo, all I know is its out past Smithville. I tried water skiing, but was very bad at it! lol It really hurt my wrists! I wouldn't advice trying it if you have bad wrists! Sunday morning, I cleaned up my room, then Jeannie and I laid out for awhile. The heat started making us sick, so we came in. I read until the kids came home around 1:30 or 2:00, then we sat on my bed and watched a Winnie the Pooh movie. Later the kids helped Jeannie wash her car while I watched Evan and made supper. Then we went back out and I mowed the yard, mom and Jeannie helped mow a small part, then we washed my van. We had some huge plastic from the girls bunk bed mattresses so we made a slip-n-slide with it. Then mom taught the kids to play croquet.

I do the best I can to keep the peace between Stephen and I, but I feel like I do no good! I understand he is having a hard time right now, but why does he have to take it out on me? I try to be civil and not fight, I am even trying to work the child support out to make it easier on him, and still I get my head bit off for nothing! I invited Stephen to stay for dinner when he picked up the kids, like I usually do. I was making a roast but I started it to late and it wont be done until late tonight, so I asked him if he wanted chicken or pork chops, and he said chicken, so I thawed a pack of chicken in the microwave. It took longer then I expected, so I asked him if he still wanted me to cook or did he want to take it home to cook. I didn't mind cooking for him and the kids, I just didn't want to keep him here if he was wanting to get home. He looked really aggravated when I asked, so I said forget it. He got mad and told the kids it was time to go. I went out to the van with them and asked him what his problem is. He said he is tired of everybody getting mad at him! I tried to tell him I wasn't mad! I was trying to help! It hurts that he snaps at me like that because of other people! He never treated me like this when we were married, I guess he thinks its different now and its OK for him to treat me like shit since he is not my husband anymore. So I guess the staying friends is not going to work, because I am not going to deal with being hurt just because he had a bad day!

Stephen and I finished filling out the paperwork for the divorce Tuesday night. We will be going back to the lawyer to get it actually filed in two weeks. I am ready to get this done and over with, although I am having some trouble dealing with the fact I will only have my kids every other year on holidays. Like I will have them this Christmas but Stephen will have them next year. I can not imagine waking up Christmas morning without my kids. Even typing this is making me teary eyed.

I got the job!

I got the job! The only downside is I don't start until next Monday, I could have started today but he gave me the choice of 2 positions. The one started today, and was pulling leather over the seats, the other starts next Monday and is a quality position. I decided to take the quality position because it seems more interesting, plus I am not sure how well my wrists would do pulling on leather all day. I would have liked to start this week, but I am glad I get to start next week and I have a job!

I stayed up last night until 6:30a.m texting back and forth with a friend I worked with at Dura. Then Anakin woke me up at 8:30 when he was trying to hide from Jeannie because she caught him in her room messing with her dvd's then when she got him out of there, he decided to play with the computer. Mom and Jade were up and gone when I got up, I barely remember mom telling me she was taking Jade with her to the trailer to get some more stuff.

I am still waiting to here back about my physical. I am starting to get really nervous, I really want that job! We had a pretty good weekend. Me and Jeannie took the kids outside for awhile yesterday. Jade and Starla were playing with snails for some reason. Anakin was jumping off the porch. Piper was going back and forth between the snails and jumping off the porch! Evan played in his walker, he didn't like the grass touching his bare feet! lol I tried to go to bed around 10 last night just in case I got to work today, but I had trouble getting to sleep. Jade, Starla and Piper laid in Jeannie's room with her and watched movies, I am not sure what time they went to bed. Anakin didn't get up until almost 9, this morning. Of course on a morning I get up at 7 he wants to sleep in longer then usual! lol Jeannie, mom, and me went to DT McCalls yesterday and today we will have delivered new bunk bed mattresses for the girls and a bed for Jeannie. If I do get this job, in a couple weeks I am going to go get a bedroom suite I found down there that I really like. We tried to get it yesterday but we didn't have enough money to put down on it.

As long as everything was OK with my physical yesterday I have a job! I was supposed to start at 7 a.m Monday but since they didn't get my results back in time I have to call them at 8 Monday. I went ahead and got the pants, shirts and shoes I needed so I have them, but if for some reason something was wrong with the physical I will just take them back. Their uniform is khaki type pants and polo type shirts. You have to tuck your shirt in, which I do not care for! I have not tucked my shirt in since high school!

I stayed up until 2:30 last night coloring and watching Gilmore Girls. The kids went to bed by 11p.m so I enjoyed the quite time in my room. I got up at 7:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I wanted to lay out today but there is an auction up the street and even though I can lay in my front yard with a lot of skin showing and usually be comfortable, I don't think I would be as comfortable with this much traffic. So now I am not sure what I want to do today, I do want to at least take the kids outside but again with this traffic I am not sure.

I did not sleep well last night, partly because I slept on the couch and partly because I had an awful dream. I had a dream that the cops that raided my house came and got me and Stephen and said we had to go with them and sneak down a hill somewhere to see if the people down there had guns. Well when we got to the bottom of the hill a whole group of people started shooting at us! I got shot a couple times, Stephen only got shot once, he ran faster than me. When we got back up the hill the cops tried to take off and leave us. Then I woke up. I don't think I mentioned, the other day the Sheriff actually called and apologized about the raid.

I have an interview tomorrow for a place called Tackle, they make seats for Nissan. The guy did mapquest before he called me about the job and said it is 34 miles from me, which I don't think is to bad. Its $10.00 an hour to start then $12.00 an hour after 90 days, when as long as I do a good job I will get hired on and have benefits and everything. The 1st shift is 7:30 to 5:30, the 3rd shift is 7:30 to 5:30, I am not sure which one I will get, he said they need people for both and the company will decide after orientation who gets what shift. But he said its a good company and if I explain about my kids I should have a pretty good shot at 1st. I wouldn't mind the 3rd since my family is staying with me for now, but since the sift starts at 7:30, I wouldn't have much time with the girls when school goes back. I would get to take Piper to and from Pre-K, and I would get to go on field trips and not have to miss work for appointments, but the 7:30 is to early for me for a 3rd shift, I wouldn't get to tuck the kids in at night.

My parents, sister and nephew are moving in with me for a couple months. My sister's husband has went crazy, and I was worried about mom and the baby being alone over there at night. Jeannie(my sister) had to go get an order of protection against him today. So now I have 4 adults, 5 kids, 1 puppy and a frog in my 3 bedroom house!

Well today has been......up and down I guess. This morning started off pretty good. The kids were all in pretty good moods, I think. I made them eggs and turkey bacon for breakfast. I have gotten bad about buying to much of stuff! We have been wasting food. There was a dozen and a half of eggs I had to use this morning plus a thing of turkey bacon that had to be used before it went bad. Then they got to have chicken legs for lunch that had to be cooked. Sometime after lunch we went outside, the kids played with the sprinkler while I laid out. I have got to get a lawn chair! It is really hard to get sun on my belly and watch the kids.

Stephen and I went to meet with the lawyer today. He was kind of a goofy little guy. He gave us some paperwork to fill out, and pretty much we just need to write everything out and he will put everything together for us. There is a parenting class we have to take, he said its like 4 hour class.

I only let Anakin take a 30 minute nap today and he is asleep now! So lets hope he is out for the night and not up at 5 am!

The kids slept in a little this morning, I guess I really wore them out last night! Anakin was being good all morning up until he got a hold of my carton of cigarettes and tore apart 2 packs! I had them up to where he couldn't reach them too! I am not sure how he got to them! He is supposed to be napping right now, but of course he keeps getting up! lol
I talked to Tanya(not the one from the moms group) this morning, she is not doing real good. I am worried about her. I can't go into details on here since so many people read this. I checked out career builder again this morning, they had a few new things. So keep your fingers crossed that I hear back from someone soon! I wish gas wasn't so expensive so i could actually go around to some companies and not have to try through temp services.
I think I mentioned yesterday that Stephen and I are going to the lawyer today. We had to find a different one. This guy is about $250.00 cheaper and only needs the filing fee upfront, then Stephen has the 3 month waiting period to come up with the rest. If I can get a job soon, I am going to try to help him pay for it. Since I am wanting the divorce just as much as he is now, I want to help cover the costs. I still don't regret marrying him, we had 10 great years together and 4 beautiful children. The only regret I have is that our children don't get to grow up with their parents together, but we will both make sure they are OK. They will always know how much we love them, and that this has nothing to do with them. I am very thankful that we are remaining friends, he has been a big part of my life and has made me the woman I am today, and Stephen has also told me I have made him a better man. I know most of you are not going to be able to understand, we have heard a lot of people say we should try again for the kids, but our situation has always been unique. We got married very young and I believe everything happens for a reason. This last two months, I have really learned a lot about myself, my relationship with my mother has changed for the better, but aside from that there is one more thing I can't help but thinking and some of my readers may not believe it or understand it. My biggest dream growing up was to have a lot of kids, I always wanted 4 or 6. With the problems I am having monthly and my families history of hysterectomies I am pretty sure that when I do go to the doctor about it I am going to have to have a hysterectomy. So I do believe Stephen was brought into my life early, so that I could have the children I always wanted. The older I got the harder it was to get pregnant, I got pregnant with Jade and Starla at 16 and 17 with no trying at all, We lost a baby in 2001 when I was 20, and then it took 2 more years of trying to get Piper when I was 22, we started trying when Piper was 3 months for #4 and Anakin didn't come along until almost 3 years later. I really believe if I hadn't had kids so early, I wouldn't have gotten to have them all if any. I feel I was really blessed for it to be Stephen and not someone that would have treated us bad or taken off when I found out I was pregnant with Jade. I could not have asked for a better father for my children.

Its 10:50 p.m and I just got the kids to bed for the 2nd time. I put them to bed at 9 p.m but everyone wanted to keep getting up, so being the awfully mean mother I am I made them all get up and help me clean the house! We cleaned out from under the beds, mopped and everything. Now everyone is tired and ready for bed! Anakin is of course not as ready as the rest of them. Plus I am making him sleep in his toddler bed. He has got to get out of the habit of sleeping with me. He is going to start sleeping in his toddler bed again until I can get the bunks, and for now Piper is back to sharing a bed with Starla. We also had to put Zelda, our puppy, outside. She keeps pooping on the floor! I don't think the girls take her out for long enough periods of time, but they were pretty upset about her going outside, so maybe they will start taking her out long enough when I let them bring her in again. I have really relaxed on the house rules this summer, trying to give them more play time and less chore time, but I warned them that is changing tomorrow. They will get back to doing dishes right after supper, and cleaning their rooms before bed. I really tried not to be so obsessive with the house work, and I am not as bad as I was, I don't stress over it to the point where the housework comes 1st, we have to find a happy medium.

Now Anakin is out of bed saying he has to poop! I am about to shorten his nap time! Maybe he will go to bed easier. Stephen mentioned in his blog it took him until 11 to get Anakin to bed last night, and here it is 11 tonight and he is still up! I have got to fix this before I start working!

Ohh and did I mention Jade and Starla now have a pet frog! They found it in the yard last week, the same day I took apart the fish tank, so now there is a frog living in the fish tank! He is HUGE! I told them the 1st time he gets out they have to set him free! They catch bugs to put in his tank for him, and they took him outside to play today! lol

The kids came home this morning, they spent sat and sun night with Stephen. We had a rough morning, I think cause everyone was cranky, but the day got better. The stimulus check finally came in this morning, which was good because I really needed it. I got the van paid, and some other bills. I had to wait on the kids bunks though, I will have to get them later. We went and paid bills then went to moms till it was time to get to the phone company, and since we still had 40 min to wait on Stephen we went to the park. Then we went to the bank and since we both needed to go to walmart we just rode together from there. Its kind of amazing to me that he and I get along better as friends now. We go to the lawyer tomorrow to start filing the paper work.

I had the bright idea to drink last night. When you mix wild cherry Pepsi and vodka together, you really can not taste the vodka. I drank a lot more then I meant to and drank it a lot faster then I meant to. I really don't remember much, most of what I do Jeannie and Stephen filled in for me. I pretty much "hit rock bottom," as my sister put it. All I have wanted to do all day is cry. I have been so worried about how everyone else is handling this that I apparently convinced myself that I was fine. I want more then anything to be fine, but right now I am not. I don't know how to be me without Stephen, I don't know how to go on with my life without him. He has been by my side for 10 years, and now at the age of 27 for the 1st time in my life I am alone. I know I have a lot of family and friends, and I have my kids, so I am not technically alone, but having all of them is not the same as having your husband there.

Finally ok!

Well, I know it is definitely over now for me and Stephen. I think in the back of my mind I was still wanting us to work things out because we have been together for so long and had a good marriage, but I know without a doubt now that I am not in love with him. I know I love him and I always will, he is the father of my children, without him, I wouldn't have them. I am ready for the divorce and I am ready to move on. A lot has happened the couple days, that I don't want to explain, I want to just forget about it, even though I never will because it helped me realize that I am ready to take on the world and be without Stephen.

I talked to Stephen tonight for quite awhile, and there are some things I have been thinking about the last couple of days. I have come to realize our marriage did not come to this because he had feelings for someone else. We both let our marriage go. The last couple months before we separated I spent alot of time in my bedroom reading or watching tv. When Stephen would ask if I wanted to do something I would say he could play his game, I was gonna go read. I wasn't spending any time with him. I need everyone to know he is not a bad guy, he did not cheat on me and I don't want him treated like he did me wrong, because I did him just as wrong. We have talked alot and we still want to be friends. I do still care about him and always will because he is the father of my children and I have spent 10 good years with him. I also think the reason I didn't want the divorce before was because I got scared about being alone. I don't do good with change and being on my own with 4 kids, not having my husband around is alot of change to deal with at one time. He is going to be in my life for the rest of my life because we share four beautiful children together, I do not want to hate him and be mad at him all the time, I just can not do that, its not me.

I honestly do want the divorce and I do feel its whats best. I am ready to move on and find someone who has more of my interests in common. I have never dated, so I am a little scared about that part, but I am also looking forward to it. I am still a little scared about being on my own, but I need to be. I have to stand on my own.

I am going to unblock my blog tonight, Stephen and I talked about it, he said he enjoyed reading it so he could know how the kids and I are doing, and he is not going to take the kids away. That's not what he was doing before, he just wanted to help.

I got woke up at 7:20 this morning to police banging on my door! There were police everywhere all over my house! I opened the door and they started yelling "where's Billy?" I said who? then I got asked over and over for about5 -10 minutes if I have ever seen Billy, after 2 pictures I am still sure I have never seen the dude. It was seriously like on tv when cops charge a place! And when that guy kept asking me if I knew Billy, he made me feel like I was hiding something! What a way to start the morning! Ok, I need coffee now!

We went to meet with the lawyer today. It was a waste of time. He wants $757.00 upfront. All he did was ask if we were both sure we want to file, then he told Stephen with 4 kids child support will be high, most likely half of his income. He said call back when we have the money. I don't know how Stephen is going to pay for it. I want to get this over and done with, but I can not afford to pay anything towards the divorce.

I got this kids a puppy today! She is an Aussi Mix, I cant remember what the lady said the mix was, and I had to look up Aussi, since I had never heard of it, but its an Australian Shepard. She is very pretty, she is light brown and white with green eyes! They named her Zelda, yes their dad helped them pick it!

I am a little nervous about tomorrow. We go to the lawyer at 2p.m. I still can't believe it has actually come to this. I thought for sure we would work everything out and our marriage would be stronger.

Past Couple of Days

Thursday jade and Starla went to work with me. Mom wanted Piper and Anakin for the night, so to save some gas, the girls and I spent the night with Aunt Sally. We had a pretty good day. We went and got Chinese for lunch, and the girls decided to get Jello, well we got it to go and by the time we got back to the shop their food was swimming in Jello! it had melted! Jade had it from her belly to her toes! I didn't sleep very well, cause I shared an air mattress with the girls. Thursday at work John was telling the girls about a mouse named Rico that lives in the shop, just messing around with them. Friday morning when we got to the shop, Starla found a note from Rico. It said something like "Dear Jade and Starla thank you for the Chinese food and Jello" and was signed Rico with a little paw print! Starla was so amazed! I don't think Jade took it very seriously, but Starla could not get over the fact a mouse knew their names and could write! lol

I was exhausted Friday night. Stephen picked up the kids sometime after 7, then around 9:30 a friend of mine talked me into going to Lebanon with her. She wanted me to go home with her and just hang out for awhile, but I was to exhausted! Saturday night, Jeannie and I went to Missy's house for her birthday. We stopped at Chili's on the way down for supper. I got lost on the back roads in M'boro, I told Jeannie they moved the roads around since the last time I was in that area! lol We came home earlier then we had planned on since Jeannie had been up for about 40 hours! And I started today so my belly was cramping.

I asked Stephen why he lied to me that day. He said he felt like I was spying on him, that it seemed like every time he left the house I was calling. I told him I have never in the 10 years we have been together never spied on him. That I was calling so much cause I missed him! I would think up reasons to call him just to talk to him for a few minutes! This is still not what I want, I really wanted to work our marriage out, we have had 10 great years. Yes, we had a few bumps along the way but we always made it through. But now there is no way I can stay married to someone I can not trust. If he would have just been honest we would have still had a chance! I was even trusting him enough to be friends with her, yeah if he would have said he was at the park with her it would have hurt and I would have been upset, but at least I would have known I could still trust him to be honest.

I finally was able to get a cell phone! I got it from Sprint, they only wanted $100.00 deposit and the phone was only $20.00. Now I don't have to worry about having to walk down 840 alone if anything happens to my van! Which it is a good vehicle, but the thought of having to walk down and interstate alone terrifies me! My cell is supposed to be local for 683 numbers but its not, so my number may have to get changed but for now my cell number is 615-480-9864
Anyway, I am about to get ready for bed. Hope everyone has a good night!

The kids and I just walked down to the church parking lot across the rail road tracks so they could ride their bikes on pavement. We were not even down there 10 minutes and it started raining! So naturally we came home, its about a 10 minute walk with 4 kids, so we are all pretty wet. We get back into the yard and it quit raining! Can you believe that?

I am so tired today. I slept maybe 2 1/2 - 3 hrs last night. I am hoping to get the kids to bed a little early, but some how I doubt it since Anakin is asleep right now! I really need to wake him but he will be SO cranky!

I am feeling a little better today. My throat is still a little sore, and I feel a little weak, but other then that I feel ok. Mom kept the kids yesterday then Stephen picked them up after work and stayed here with them until he got them to bed. I hate being sick! I am starting to dread Sunday through Tuesday! Last week it was tummy trouble and this week its strep! Can I just skip those 3 days next week?

I think I am going to have to give in and take the job at Dell. I have made enough working for Shannon and John for gas and stuff the kids and I need for the house, but I now have the phone, electric, and water bills due. It sucks because I like working down there, its just so far that the gas is taking most of what I make. $60.00 only got me down there and back 2 days last week. I hate gas prices it ridiculous!

Piper and Anakin are running wild this morning. I am trying to get them to sit down and watch Monsters Inc. Hopefully they will.

UGH!

I woke up this morning feeling like shit! My tonsils are swollen and have white spots, which means it is more then likely strep. I HATE getting strep, it hits me so hard I can't function! I am going to have to have Stephen take the kids, and I have to hope my sister has $30.00 I can borrow to go to the doctor tomorrow!

Today has been pretty good so far. Anakin has been listening pretty good. He just got up from a nap and is in a good mood. Starla is not home yet, she spent the night with mom last night. I didn't sleep very well last night. Stephen and I had a huge argument over the phone last night. We talked again this morning, and I told him all I was asking for was for him to get Anakin a little more since Anakin is having trouble with us being separated. I think I finally got through to him. He said he understood how hard this is on me and the kids. I told him he has NO way of understanding. He is not here, he can not possible understand what its like to be the only one to take care of 4 kids everyday for a month and a half! I am the only one to cook, clean, give baths, and play with them. He said something about swapping "positions" for awhile. I told him I had thought of that, and If I had somewhere to go I would have him live here with the kids for a week or two and maybe he would understand better what I am going through. That it is stressful, but it doesn't mean I cant handle my kids! But we cant do that because I have no where to go. Moms house is to full already with Jeannie and Evan living there and I can not afford to rent a place.

Blog change

I changed my blog to private because Stephen had been reading it and was taking stuff the wrong way. Now he wants to take Anakin full time. He is NOT taking my son from me! He has already torn our family apart enough. I don't think him taking Anakin away from his mother and sisters is going to be whats best for him. All I was asking was for him to take him a little more, maybe once in awhile during the week, so Anakin doesn't miss him so much. Now he has taken it as I cant handle him at all and he thinks all I do is yell at him!

I cant deal with this! This has all been hard enough! I have felt like my heart has been ripped out by losing my husband, I can not handle losing my son too!

Last night Jade got invited to go somewhere with one of her friends tonight, since Starla was upset I took her to work with me today at Shannons shop. She loved it, she is already asking when she can go back with me. I think she enjoyed the time away from her brother and sisters more then anything. Stephen has strep throat, so unless he is feeling better Saturday night, I would guess it is just going to be me and my brats this weekend. Which kind of suck because I need a break! lol

I have decided I am going to straighten my hair back out. The perm is just not what I wanted. I am going to take a picture of it fixed and then one when it is brushed out so I can show everyone how funny it looks when its brushed out! Yes, it amuses me!

Thank you Christy for your comment. It means a lot to me to know other people believe in me that much, and think so much of me.

I kind of feel like I am in an endless circle that gets smaller every time I go around. On one side of the circle everything is fine, I am handling everything great and I am just waiting patiently to find out if my marriage is going to work out or end. On the other side of the circle is where I fall apart, its where I don't know how to handle what I am going through and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I hate this side of the circle, I hate when I break down and feel so bad. I want to be on the good side of the circle all the time, I want to be happy and enjoy my life, not dread going to bed every night and dread waking up the next morning.

I know going through this is necessary, and I would rather go through this then just give up on my marriage all together. In the end I will either be happy that we made it work, or I will be happy that we did our best and were just not meant to be together.

On a completely different note, Stephen picked the kids up from moms today so I could work longer. I got home to him spraying the hose up into the tree. When I asked what he was doing, he said he was trying to get the snake to fall out! Yup, that 2 snakes in less then a week! YUCK!

Jade now knows there is no tooth fairy. She went into my room this morning looking for something and found the last tooth she lost sitting on my shelf, I forgot to put it up. So I took out the little box full of all their teeth and I showed them to her and explained that mommy and daddy are the tooth fairy. She took it pretty well, she cried a bit, but not much. I was expecting her to question Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, but she didn't. I don't think it will take her to long to figure it out though, she is very smart. She giggled when I told her that was the reason it took so long for the tooth fairy to get her last tooth, because I kept forgetting!

Last Night

Shannon- Thank you so much for your comment. I have found strength lately that I didn't even know existed. I was starting to doubt that strength last night. It helps to know someone else knows its there too. Its really hard for me to admit how much I am struggling with everything going on, I don't like for anyone to see that, I have a really bad habit of just trying to show my strength and let everyone think I am doing just fine. Then since I have held everything in I just kind of "crash" every once in awhile. Stephen is doing what he can from where he is, he is taking Anakin for a couple days.

None of my kids hit the "terrible twos" when they were actually two, but Anakin is definitely there now! I am just at a complete loss with him, which makes me feel like a horrible mother! I know I am not, I guess I have just always had it to easy with my kids, they have always been pretty easy, and now that is biting me in the ass!

Library

I am so excited last friday the kids and I finally checked out the library in Alexandria. Carthage and Gordonsville both have one, but Carthage is to far, and the librarian in Gordonsville doesnt like Anakin being wild, which he is NEVER good in a library cuase I have to fight him to keep him away from the PC's, but she always gave me dirty looks, plus they have not night book drop so I was getting all kinds of fees cuase they are not open on sat and close at 4p.m everyday, so we quit going. The lady at the Alexandria one was SO sweet! She helped the girls find a book from thier school list, she thought Anakin was the cutest terror she had ever seen, OK I added the terror part, she said little boy! lol He even fell and scraped his knee, and she proudly told him he was the 1st to get to use thier new 1st aid kit! lol I was just really impressed with how friendly she was! Jade got a 5th grade reading list and Starla got a 3rd grade reading list in thier reposrt card, so I made a deal with them that if they read every book on the list over the summer they will get $25 each at the end of summer! It is a long list, so I dont expect them to read everyone of them, I will base it on thier effort, I am just not telling them that part...hehe

39 Days

It has been 39 days that I have been a single mom of 4 kids. I think I have handled it all very well up until tonight. I have been doing my best to be strong for my kids and I have been doing my best to hold myself together for them. It all came undone tonight. I don't think I can do this anymore. I love my kids with all of my heart but I do not think I can handle the 4 of them on my own. Part of me just wants to run away and never look back. Anakin and Piper do not listen at all anymore, Jade and Starla fight constantly. Yes, they did do this stuff before, but I had help handling them, it wasn't all me all the time. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to take care of the kids, the house, myself, and keep everyone happy. What do I do? How do I get through this and raise my kids right? I am so exhausted, I haven't been sleeping well, I am sick to my stomach most of the time. What do I do?

Its 12:00 Sunday night and Mom and Jeannie just left. They came over to perm my hair for me. I am not sure what I think of it. I really liked it when it was wet, but now as it is drying, I am not sure. It makes me think of a poodle! Hopefully once I can wash it it will relax some. I have been wanting like a scrunchy perm for the last couple years, I was just to afraid to do it. So with any luck, I wont regret doing it. We did mess up on my bangs though. We should have left them out of the curlers. I don't like my bangs at all. Mom, Jeannie, Jade, Starla, and Piper all love how it came out. They were all very tickled with it, so hopefully when I decide if I like it, I will be as excited as they were. Mom finally talked me into cutting her hair for her. Hers came out really good! I surprised myself! She wanted it like how I did Pipers.

I have probably another 30 min to an hour before I can lay down, since the back of my hair is still pretty damp. I am actually not sleepy, I have had a lot on my mind today. Which probably explains the rash decision to perm my hair tonight! I didn't sleep much last night, so you would think I would be exhausted and ready to pass out. Unfortunately for me, I have a lot of trouble winding down when I have a lot on my mind.


I just found this online about perms, so hopefully mine will be OK:
Also keep in mind, a perm takes 28 hours to settle. Give it some time before you get too worried about the end result.