Almost 20 days

Well, I may have lost my readers by now. I have not been sure what to write about so I haven't been on here in awhile. I have really been struggling with not having a job. I feel like I am holding Stephen and I both back from moving on because he cant move out until I have a job. I know he says I am not but I feel like such a burden. I need to find something soon. We need to be able to move on.

Anyway, since my last post we have had alot going on around here. Piper got to go on her 1st field trip last Monday, the 20th. We went to Amazin Acres in Sparta, the kids loved it. The top picture is Pipers whole Pre-K class, the bottom is me Piper and Abigail. Abigail was stuck with me and Piper for the day.

On the 18th, I got to join Meredith and Tanya (moms from the group) for dinner at Chilis in Lebanon, I had a really good time. I felt kinda bad cause I got a little emotional from the drinks I had. I tend to get emotional and ramble when I drink and have alot on my mind.

Jade went to her 1st dance at school on Saturday the 25th, she was gorgeous! She had a blast, ans ended up spending the night with Bethany, a friend in her class.

The same night, my cousin had her sons birthday party. She had a bonfire and hay ride. It was really fun. Stephen took Anakin to his parents with him, so I only had to take Starla and Piper to the party, so I got to enjoy it too.

I know there is more, but I can't think of it right now!

My halloween costume

I almost have it finished. I wanted to be something "fancy" this year, so I have tried my hand at making a dress from the Renaissance era. I need to bring the hem up just a bit more, I am walking on it, even in heels. The bodice is just pinned together in the front right now, I have not decided how I want to complete it. I am still debating on adding sleeves. I know Renaissance dresses had sleeves, but I kinda like it sleeveless. I was thinking of maybe addins a shawl instead of sleeves. Anyway, here it is:

Johnny and June

Have you heard that song? The other night, Stephen, the kids and I went to walmart and it started playing. Stephen all of the sudden seemed bothered by something but he wouldn't tell me what. He just said he would tell me later. When we got home and he told me what had changed his mood, I was shocked, to say the least. When Walk the Line came out, I had told Stephen it reminded me of us. The trouble we had in the beginning of our marriage. Johnny never gave up on June, he kept fighting for her even though she wanted nothing to do with it. And because he did they ended up together. That's what we went through when we separated in 2000. If Stephen had given up, we would have been over then. The fact that he didn't and he fought for me made me realize how much I loved him and that I didn't want to go on without him. Well, I just assumed he never listened to me when I would say stuff like that, I just though it was an "in one ear, out the other" type thing. I was wrong. That is why the song upset him, he said it reminds him of that time, of how we were. He even said 2 parts of the song word for word. I was so shocked, I was literally speechless(yes, you may insert joke here). I gotta say, I believed him completely, I felt like he was being completely and utterly truthful with me right then. I went and found the lyrics for it.

Oh there's something 'bout a man in black,
Makes me want to buy a cadillac,
Throw the top back,
And roll down to Jackson town,
I wanna be there on the stage with you,
You and I could be the next page two,
Hear the crowd roar,
Make 'em want more,
Kick the footlights out,

I wanna love like Johnny and June,
Rings of fire burnin' with you,
I wanna walk the line,
Walk the line,
'Till the end of time,
I wanna love,
Love ya that much,
Cash it all in,
Give it all up,
When you're gone,
I wanna go too,
Like Johnny and June,

I wanna hold you baby right or wrong,
Build a world around a country song,
Pray a sweet prayer,
Follow you there,
Down in history,

I wanna love like Johnny and June,
Rings of fire burnin' with you,
I wanna walk the line,
Walk the line,
'Till the end of time,
I wanna love,
Love ya that much,
Cash it all in,
Give it all up,
When you're gone,
I wanna go too,
Like Johnny and June,

Like Johnny and June,
More than life itself,
No-one else,
This endless promise,
They don't make love like that anymore,
Is that too much to be askin' for,

I wanna love like Johnny and June,
Rings of fire burnin' with you,
I wanna walk the line,
Walk the line,
'Till the end of time,
I wanna love,
Love ya that much,
Cash it all in,
Give it all up,
When you're gone,
I wanna go too,
Like Johnny and June,

Like Johnny and June,
And when we're gone,
There'll be no tears to cry,
Only memories of our lives,
They'll remember, remember,
A love like that.

Its been an emotionally hard week. When will the good happy days out number the sad depressed days? I try to be in a good mood and be happy, but sometimes its like my mind just wont let me. I try to put aside all that has happened and focus on the here and now, but my mind still wonders back to everything that has happened. When will the doubts go away? When will I be able to accept this as my life and move on? I hate the feeling of being in limbo, not knowing where my life is going. I just keep trying to figure out why I didn't notice there was a bigger problem in my marriage before it was to late. I have never regreted or wanted to change any part of my life, up until now. I would give anything to go back to January 1, 2008 and fix what was wrong in my marriage. I would give anything to have the life I used to have. When am I going to stop wanting that? I know there is no going back, I know my marriage is over and I need to move on, so when do I get to? When will I find the strength to move on? Will it get easier once its final by law and Stephen moves out? Or is it going to get harder first? Will it feel like it did when he left the first time? or will I handle it better since its not so unexpected this time? 

Stephen and I got into a pretty big fight last week I think it was. At one point he asked me if I blamed him for the divorce, I told him, I know we had some minor problems in our marriage, and I know I had somethings to work on, but honestly yes, I do blame him. I know that's probably unhealthy for me to put all the blame on him, but I honestly did not know our marriage was that bad off that we were heading towards a divorce. I knew we had some minor problems like the lack of time we had together, and I was so down on myself for gaining weight while he was losing it that I would make very mean remarks, this I didn't realize I was doing until he finally told me after we started talking about splitting up. When I think about it now I know how bad I was. I was not myself, I was the type of person I despise, the type of person that make other feel bad about themselves so that they can feel better about them. When I realized this it tore me up, I could not stand the thought I had become that person. Especially when all Stephen ever did was try to make me believe in myself and see what he saw. I really tried to see me from his point of view, for 10 years I tried. When I went over 300 lbs. and he stopped saying the stuff I had heard from him for 10 years, I felt like he was disgusted with me and I guess that's when my attitude started changing. 

My mind is wandering in so many different directions that this post is not in any type of order and may not make sense at all. But I need to try to get some of this mess out of my head. Why do I let things, thoughts get to me when I know they shouldn't? I hate that. I just want to let it all go, forget the last couple months and move on with my life. How do you get built up anger and frustration out when you are not a violent person? I just really want to smash the hell out of something but can not bring myself to do it. 

I feel like Stephens parents blame be for all this. I have never in my life had anyone make me feel like I am a lousy, selfish person, but they do. I know I am not lousy or selfish, I would do anything to help anyone, even if it meant having less for myself. I don't know for sure but I have the feeling they don't agree with me keeping the house, and even though I am not asking for much for child support they still think I am going to take him for all I can. I honestly do think more child support then I have asked for would be fair, but  I am trying to help him out so that he doesn't struggle either. I was hoping that after the divorce things would not be uncomfortable with his parents, I still consider them family, they are after all, they are my kids grandparents. But how do yo keep trying when someone keeps making you feel like your a bad person?

I joined a couple of online support groups for divorced moms the other day. I am hoping it will help get me through this to be able to talk to other moms that have been through similar situations. The wonderful friends I have in Rutherford Kids and Moms have been wonderful support, and so have the friends I have outside of the group along with family. Even though I am pretty sure they are not and don't think this way, I feel like such a failure in everyone else's eyes. I feel like I have let my kids down, myself, my family, my friends, and even Stephen. 

There is more, lots more but unfortunately my mind has went blank. Well maybe not unfortunately, it kind of feels good to get all this out and not have the confusion in my head. So if you made it to the end of this congratulations, you survived round one of Ellen's screwed up head!