I just realized I never wrote on here about my cookout. I had a cookout here Saturday for family and a few friends. The reason I wanted to do it was to show my family I am doing OK, well it backfired on me. I pretty much fell apart emotionally! It was nice to see them, it was just harder then I expected. RJ, my brothers friend that has been around so long we consider him family, asked about Stephen and when I said he wasn't coming and he could tell I was fighting tears, he gave me a hug and said everything is going to be OK, that Stephen and I belong together and we will work it out sooner or later. He is like a brother to me, so I know he was trying to make me feel better, but that just kind of made me fall apart more.

That is the part I have been holding back in my writing. Stephen and I have decided to date for awhile. We want to be 100% sure of what we want one way or the other. Its very hard, but in the end it will be worth all the hard times.

Today wasn't bad, but the hour I have been home has been nothing but the kids yelling and screaming and fighting. I just want to run away! My head is throbbing and I am so tired I could go to sleep right now!

Today has been an OK day I guess. I just got the kids to bed, now I am just waiting for them to go to sleep so I can go lay down. I slept until 11 this morning, then spent most of the afternoon curled up on the couch with my book. I wanted to lay out but the weather didn't allow it. When Stephen dropped the kids off he stayed for supper. Jade and Starla played Mario Party, Anakin kept throwing a fit cause he wanted to play. So after supper I let Piper and Anakin play. He was funny! He kept saying he won. While he was playing I told him to jump, I meant on the game, well he stood up and actually started jumping!

I laid out again today, except this time I got really brave and bared my back completely! lol Of course when I turned over I had my tank covering what it should! I used massage oil because I didn't have any sun tan lotion or any other type of oil. My back is pretty red, I can feel it on the back of my legs too. My belly didn't get red though. The kids played in the sprinkler while I laid out. They loved it! I think I am going to lay out again in the morning to try my belly again. Its hard to lay that way cause I don't want my face to burn, but since the kids are not here I can cover my face and not have to worry about Anakin running off.

I know the post Wednesday probably didn't make much sense. I am still not ready to talk about everything that's going on. I would rather wait until I can explain fully and already know the outcome.

Its kind of amazing what even a little self confidence can do. While the kids were outside today, I decided I want to try to get some sort of color on my back and belly, so I pulled my tank top up under my bra and took my arms out of the straps, and laid there on the blanket in my front yard like that. I was completely comfortable! It was kind of a weird feeling! I didn't worry about anyone seeing me like that. Jade freaked when she 1st saw me taking my arms out of the tank and bra straps because she thought I was taking the shirt off! lol

When I went to moms to pick up the kids I used her scale. I am now 286, down from 305!!! I was surprised! Especially since I am on my period and I always weigh more during this time. I can see the difference when I look in the mirror, which makes me feel really good! I actually have a pair of shorts that were to tight last year that are lose! I put on a pair of shorts this morning that I would never wear out of the house because I always thought they were to short. Well Jeannie and mom both complimented me on them! How awesome is that!?

Today has been.....honestly I am not even sure how to describe it. Mom is keeping the kids overnight for me. I don't even know how to put everything into words right now on here, so I guess I will later when I know what to say.

Today has been a busy day. I worked at a friends shop doing some cleaning for them. I got home a little after 6. I went out to walmart to get a mower (thanks to a couple of awesome friends!) and then mowed the side and a small part of the back yard. The grass was really tall and thick on the side so it was really really hard to mow!

Reba(I think) and Kenny Chesney have a new song out called "Every Other Weekend" I heard it this morning and it made me cry! It was about a couple that divorced and the dad taking the kids every other weekend. They miss each other and still want each other but they don't say anything cause of their pride. Its really sad. Life is hard enough, why would you let your pride get in the way of your chance at happiness? That just seems silly to me.

I am exhausted! I have to go give Piper and Anakin a shower, so I can get them to bed so I can finally get a shower! I thought of something while I was mowing. I wish all of the times that Stephen said "Just tell me if you need me to help with anything," I would have let him help. Now that I have to do everything on my own, it is really overwhelming. But this is my life and I will adjust.........eventually.

Mom, dad, Jeannie and Evan didn't leave until right before 9pm last night, which was a little late for me and the kids, but we had a good time. Dad put air in the girls bike tires for them, so they were very excited about that. He fixed the pipe under the bathroom sink but he said don't let them pull on it, so I am not even sure whether I should let them use it or not! Jeannie and I had to run to walmart. I saw Jeff Mason there, he was our realtor, he asked how we were liking the house, I just told him we love it, I didn't have the guts to tell him Stephen and I are divorcing. The divorce I can handle the shocked look everyone gives me I cant. No matter how much I fight it off, anytime I see that look it makes me want to cry!

I went to the nursing home today to put in an application. The position is different then what I was told. The lady that runs the kitchen decided she is not going to hire another person for the 7 to 3:30 but she does need someone to work doubles every other weekend, and she said she can have them work during the week too. I told her the weekends were not a problem but I need 40 hours a week at least.

I have been in kind of an ill mood all day, I am not sure why. Its been a long day though. I just want to get through the next 4 hours and go to bed early!

Stephen and I will be going to the lawyers office Thursday morning to start the paper work. We are agreeing on everything so a lawyer is just going to put everything together for us. We don't want two separate lawyers, that will just cost more and the lawyers would more then likely try to cause problems. I am ready to get this done and over with but it scares the crap out of me. I know I have the strength I need to get through this, I just have to figure out how to pull all that strength together and use it!

Like I said before I have really been working on my self esteem and believing in myself lately. My sister was shocked yesterday when we were talking about something and I told her I know I am a good, fun person with a good personality and I even see myself as pretty now! And I know one day I will meet someone who will love me for me and who I will make very happy just being me. Jeannie said she was very proud of me and she said she agreed with everything except she thinks I am beautiful. I don't see that yet, but maybe one day I will.

Its been a very long night and morning. The kids wanted to sleep in the front room, so I slept on the couch. I just am not comfortable with them sleeping in the front room alone. So I didn't sleep very good. Then Piper woke up at 3 crying and got on the couch with me, then at 5 Anakin joined us! Yes, I was not very comfortable! Anakin has been a brat this morning, torturing his sisters for no reason. Last night he hit Jade on the ear with his bat hard enough to make her cry! Piper was not allowed to play with the moon sand once she wiped it all over the couch! I let them play with it on the front room floor last night so they could watch a movie while they played, but I think from now on it will be a table only thing. Anakin didn't care for it much.

We are going to a reception at 2p.m today for Mrs. Ballard, she was Jade's 4th grade teacher this year, she was also Stephens 4th grade teacher when he was in school. She is an awesome teacher, I wish she wasn't retiring so she could have all my kids in her class. Then this evening, mom, dad, Jeannie and Evan are coming over. Dad is going to fix the kids bathroom sink for me, then they are going to stay for dinner. I don't remember if I wrote on here about the sink, but a week or two ago Starla broke the sink in the kids bathroom. Yes, actually broke it! It is a pedestal sink and she somehow managed to knock the top part off! I had to call Stephen to have him come and pick it up! So their bathroom has been locked off since then. We need to be able to use it at least for the tub! My bathroom only has a stand up shower and Piper and Anakin hate showers! So it has been a pain in the butt lately to shower them! Well Anakin actually likes showers, he just doesn't want to get out! It is so much easier doing baths where they can stay in and play for a little bit.

Apparently I need to stop using the word ass! Piper and Anakin were in the kitchen together and Piper was telling Anakin not to drink her soda then she says, as serious as can be, "If you drink my soda i'm gonna bust your ass!" Jade, Starla, and I were in the front room together, we just looked at each other then Jade said "Mama did she just say what I think she said?" I said yes, then we all started laughing! I couldn't help it it was funny! Of course once I collected my self I called her in to the front room and explained she couldn't use that word!

After Stephen picked the kids up Friday, I went by Elise's(a lady I worked with at Dura) Church to meet Shirley, she works at a nursing home in Lebanon and they are needing help, she was going to bring me an application, but wants me to come down there so she can take me straight to the lady that hires. So I am going to do that Monday morning. After that Shannon and I met at Applebees in Lebanon , we had a really good time, we ate and had a few drinks(not to much since we both had to drive!) and talked it was a little after 11 when I got home! Shannon if you read this thanks for going out with me! I really enjoyed getting out of the house and being with a good friend! After I got home I watched Absolute Zero, a movie mom wanted me to watch, it was awful! The actors and lines were horrific! It was like a very cheesy version of The Day After Tomorrow. I forgot to close the windows before I left so it was FREEZING in the house! I had on flannel pj pants a long sleeve shirt, my bathrobe, and I was wrapped in a king size comforter! My nose was a popsicle! I was tempted to make some hot tea to warm me up but I was to cold to move! lol I ended up sleeping in my bathrobe with the comforter that's on my bed plus the extra one folded in half on top of that! Other then freezing I actually slept really good! This morning I went down to Shannon's to babysit for them, Jackson and Elena are dolls! They were so good! We colored, did puzzles, watched ET, played outside and had Shannon's front room looking like a toy box! lol Of course we had it all clean again before she got home so she will never know the HUGE mess we actually made! lol
After the kids got home we went to walmart and got them some snacks and some Moon Sand to play with. We went by redbox but there was nothing in there they haven't seen that was a kids movie. So now they are watching Beethoven and playing with Moon Sand, so I am about to go join them and play with Moon Sand! I tried to find some new coloring books at walmart but their coloring books have gotten outrageous! Its $5.00 for a decent coloring book! Times that by 5(yes cause I need one too!) That's $25.00 for coloring books! It was only $15 for 4 tubs of Moon Sand that will hold their interest longer anyway!

I have been cleaning all day, I have even mopped. I called the temp services again and looked at career builder. I want to go out and look but unless I know of something that is at least a good chance I don't want to waste my gas. With gas so high who would want to waste it? I still have a load or 2 of laundry to do and to get the kids stuff ready for Stephens tonight. I am trying to find something to do tonight. I want to get out and go somewhere other then moms, which don't get me wrong I like going over there and playing cards with her and whichever sibling happens to be there but I need to do something with someone that's not my parents or siblings. I might see if Stephen is OK with me taking just enough out of what he is giving me this week to take the kids to the drive in Saturday night. I don't know though, I want to do something special with the kids Saturday night but I don't want to waste money right now. I think I would feel a little guilty about spending money he gives me on taking the kids out. Yup, I would so OK that idea is out the window, guess I don't need to ask him! lol Anyway, I am just bored and anxious today. I NEED and WANT a job! I don't like being home all day feeling worthless! Its not the kids, I love being here with them as always, but right now it does not feel the same as it did when I was a stay at home mom, right now I just feel like I am failing my kids. Is it obvious I need to get out of this house?

I had told Jade to do something twice and then she wanted to use the phone. I told her no, because she hadn't listened. Then I asked her why she thought I should let her use the phone when she didn't listen when I told her to do something, her answer was, "Cause I'm a brat!" I just thought it was funny!

FLAMEGAS

I have had a lot of difficulty lately with my feelings and trying to figure out what I want. While I am still heartbroken by everything, I think I am starting to realize that this may be for the best. Stephen and I never really did have much in common, I am really not sure how we made it work for so long. I do miss him and I think a part of me always will, but I think that may be because he was a part of my everyday life for so long. We are still going to try to be friends, and I do hope we can, I do still need to be able to talk to him. I was really down yesterday because I have been worried this week that I am not going to be able to support the kids financially. I think once I find another job I will be OK. I am anxious to find something and be able to support us on my own. Aside from the child support I don't want to have to depend financially on Stephen at all. I know he would never hesitate to help us if we needed it, I just want to be independent and not need it. I know I still have a rough road ahead of me, but I am working on convincing myself that I am strong enough to handle this or anything else life throws at me. I do still break down every once in awhile, but I am an emotional person so I guess I should expect that.
I have an interview tomorrow for a position in Mt. Juliet, it pays $10.00 an hour I think. So keep your fingers crossed for me. We did find out we are not getting what we expected for the stimulus check, we will only get $1800 instead of $2400, we HAVE to get bunks for Piper and Anakin and new mattresses for Jade and Starla, the poor girls are still sleeping on the some bunk bed mattress they have had since 2001! We were supposed to pay on my van and pay off the title loan on Stephens van, I don't know how we are going to do that now. I am still trying to figure out how to not lose my van. I need it, without it I am really screwed! As of Monday it is going to be 2 payments behind and Triad is having a fit.

I was thinking of somethings as I tried to go to sleep last night and I still couldn't help but laugh out loud. So here are a few of the things Stephen has done at one time or another that no matter how long ago it was or how bad a mood I was in thinking of them always made me laugh.

The most recent was last Christmas when we went to this big Christmas lights thing that you drive through, there was a sponsor sign that said FLAMEGAS, now I can not remember exactly how he pronounced it but Stephen didn't read it as flame gas, he read it as one word. I laughed so hard! I don't think I had ever seen him have such a blonde moment! Even now as I am typing I am chuckling about it!

In 2001 we shared a place with my parents, we had moved the bedrooms around and our king size bed had 2 box spring, well I was sitting on the end of one and I asked Stephen to fix the curtain rod or something, so he stood on the box spring, well I went to get up and he looked like he was going to fly! The end I had been holding down by sitting on popped up and his arms went flailing and he screamed! I was so funny!

The 1st memory I have that I can still laugh over was somewhere around 98-99, I don't remember if I was pregnant with Starla or if she had just been born. We were living in this little house, and had been having trouble with Mice, well Stephen was sitting on the couch one day, watching TV or playing a game, I don't remember. But he all the sudden jumped up and yelled "A mouse ran under my ass!" It was the funniest thing I had ever seen!

I got all the kids in bed, we skipped baths tonight so I have to get up earlier then usual in the morning. I got a calling card today so I can call some temp services in Lebanon tomorrow to find out if they have anything. Its kind of unsettling when its so quiet in here. You would think I would be able to relax, but I cant. I used to love the times it was quiet but now I hate it.

I did get to go to the temp service for dell yesterday. I will take it if I can get it but I am not sure how to make it work out. They are pretty serious about overtime that comes before the shift, which would mean going in at 2 am for 12 hour days. It takes 30 - 45 minutes to get there from moms, which means I would have to leave here by 1:45 am so I would be getting up around midnight! And would have to get the kids out to the van and to moms! I think this is going to be harder then the 3rd shift was! How do I do that?

I have been looking through career builder all morning, I was surprised how many jobs are on there that you have to apply through there for! The companies ask specifically to email resumes.
I got one call already, its for a 3rd party quality thing, I am supposed to think about it and call the guy tomorrow and let him know if I want an interview. Its not immediate, he is looking for people when they have openings, and it is not very dependable. I could be atone company for a week then if they don't need me, I would go somewhere else, if there there was no one else I would have to just wait. The interview is in Nashville, so I am trying to figure out if it would be worth it.

I went to the unemployment office yesterday. They gave me info about a temp service for dell, which I have heard dell doesn't like to hire so I am skeptical on them, but at least its an income for now, and its $9.50 for 1st shift, 6 - 2:30. I was supposed to go down there today but Mom has something she has to do and cant watch the kids, so I have to go tomorrow. They did take my application for a place called Orchin, I don't know if I spelt that right but they make vacuums. That pays pretty well, so keep your fingers crossed that I get a call from them!

Today was almost a good day. The mothers day part was pretty good. The girls each made something in school, then Jade made something this morning for Piper and Anakin to give me. We went to moms for awhile, Jeannie and Evan were there. I rode to Smyrna with Jeannie so she could get some stuff for the night. Jeannie is also going to be going through a divorce. She is moving in with mom and dad next weekend. The hardest part of the day was when we got home Anakin would do nothing but scream and yell dad, so I had to call Stephen and ask him to take him for a couple days. I really want him here but right now he needs the time with his dad. He is such a daddys boy, I should have expected this to be hard on him. So Stephen just left with Anakin.

Today was an ok day. Mom, dad, Michael, Jeannie and Justin came over to swap beds. Jeannie had Evan with her and her and Evan stayed to visit for a little while afterwards. Then I got a good part of the yard mowed until the mower broke again. Then I cleaned out the shed so Stephen can store the rest of his stuff in there until he has room for it. Stephen brought the kids home sometime around 8, we stood outside talking for awhile, and when I came in the kids had went to bed! Can you believe that? Piper and Starla were in their beds and Jade and Anakin were snuggled on the couch! So, I am going to go read until I can fall asleep, which I am pretty awake right now so I don't know when that will be!

I was outside cleaning out the shed, so I could put the rest of Stephens stuff in there that he doesn't have room for and I found our wedding DVD. I stopped to come inside and watch it. Of course I cried just like I did that day! lol Stephen was so handsome in his tux, I remember feeling weak at the knees when I saw him standing up there waiting for me.

Well, its 11:10 and I am still wide awake! Considering I have not slept good in 2 weeks you would think I would have passed out early without the kids here! My mind is not reeling like last weekend, so I guess I am doing better there. I definitly have to find something to do with my weekends though, this being alone sucks! I have to go find a new job monday, so I may possibly find a weekend job too if I can.

Today was a good day up until I got let go from my job. At the corporate office in Michigan there is one lady that wanted the Dura down here to let go any temp that had been there more then 6 months and had not applied for full time. Well, they fought it as long as they could and finally lost the fight. So I am out of a job. Which sucks, especially since I am on my own. Of course Stephen will not let us do without anything and he will do what he can, but I hate to have to have him help so much. He is trying to get to where he can get out of his parents house and into his own place.

I moved the bedrooms around today, since I couldn't paint my room. I just can not stay in that room with them colors right now, its to hard. So I made it into a playroom for the kids, and put Piper in with Jade and Anakin in with Starla and all that is allowed in the actual bedrooms are books. So it even helps out as far as now instead of toys to clean up in 3 room, I only have one to worry about! I am now in the room Piper and Anakin were in. I put my bookshelf in front of the doorway that has no door and I am going to make a pretty curtain to hang up. I wont have total privacy, but my kids don't even allow me to go to the bathroom alone so I don't think its going to hurt if they see me changing clothes! lol

I just put the kids to bed and still have not felt stressed today! The kids and I blared the radio and danced while we picked up the house, then had dinner, and while Jade washed dishes Starla showered and I helped Piper and Anakin clean their room. Then Starla dried the dishes while Jade showered and I was still helping Piper and Anakin clean their room! lol Then we just played and sang. After everyone was ready for bed they each did a little "show" and then went to bed with no fuss. I am about to settle in to watch Greys Anatomy before bed. I hope tomorrow can be as good as today was.

Today has been a great day. I got to see 2 people I worked with on 3rd. Rob came by the Annex this morning, it was good to see him and get a minute to talk to him. I also saw Jody, the supervisor I had on 3rd. I got to work most of the day with Josh, Elise, and Shirley. Josh is a trip! I laughed so much my cheeks hurt! I can't remember the last time I laughed so much and it not be at one of the kids! I am in a good mood today and the kids are also. Anakin of course has tried to mess already but he's even been pretty good. It would be perfect if everyday could be like this! The girls are having field day tomorrow, Starla was astonished her teachers gave her homework tonight! Jade's techer is retireing this year so they are holding a reception for her the 18th, I need to mark it on my calendar to make sure we dont miss it. I also need to take out enough wednesday to get her and Starlas 2 teachers something.

Mom and dad are going to switch beds with me, so maybe I will be able to get more sleep then I have been. Plus I am going to paint the bedroom this weekend. I am not sure what color, I don't have the extra to buy any paint so I am just going to use whatever I have left from when we moved in, so it may end up being very colorful.

Stephen came by a little while ago and we talked for awhile. The divorce is definitely the best thing for both of us. I may still have doubts but that doesn't matter because he doesn't love me anymore. So I have to let go and move on with my life. Maybe I can even find someone who will be more compatible and like more of the things I do. But for now it will be just me and my kiddos. We will be ok and get through this. Stephen did make me a better person, he made me realize I am not nothing, and that I should believe in myself, so I am very thankful to him for that, even through the hurt and heartache I am feeling right now, I do treasure the time I had with him. Stephen if you read this, I said something earlier that I need to apologize for. I can not remember exactly what I said but it was something about never marrying you. That was cruel and uncalled for, I am sorry I said it. I do not regret our marriage or our 10 years together, I am just hurting right now, so please give me some time and then maybe we can be friends again, if not for anything else then for the kids.

Well, I found out the other day my pay was cut to $9.45 for going to 1st shift. So my check being a day short this week sucks. It barely covers anything. I have to take Anakin to the dr this morning for his butt because the rash is back and they want extra because he has a balance there, then after paying the water bill which is 2 bills, and the bank took $20.00 out for checks that they told me were free, I have $46 for gas and groceries, which sucks and means I cant go to murfreesboro Saturday night either, and I was really looking forward to getting out and not thinking about how much my life sucks right now! But I know we'll be ok, I can make it through this.

Going crazy!

I am going absolutely nuts! I am going to have to be put in a room with pink padded walls! I am so confused with my emotions and in my head I can not figure out what I want! One minute I can not stop crying because I miss my husband and want him back, the next I am so angry I can not stand it, and then when I calm down I am start thinking maybe this is for the best, maybe there is someone else out there for me that will love me forever for just being me. But then I start thinking about the last 10 years and how happy I always was, yes we had a few rough spots but we always pulled through. Then I get furious with Stephen for not telling me sooner about his feeling so that we could work it out before it came down to this, then of course I start thinking I deserve better then him, I deserve someone who will be completely honest with me and not doubt their feelings for me, but then I remember the couple times in our marriage where I doubted my feelings and I think well I can forgive him for this and accept it because he understood when I had doubts, but then I think I told him as soon as I realized it and he didn't tell me, plus there is one HUGE difference between those times. Part of me wants him to come back and say he is still in love with me and the doubts and other problem have went away and there is nothing left there, and the other part of me wants to just get the divorce over with so I can move on with my life. UUUGGGHHHHH! I hate this! Why does life have to be so complicated?! Why couldn't it be that easy? Get married, have kids, raise them, live happily ever after! OK, I have to Quit ranting now I am just confusing myself more!

I didn't sleep good last night so I am wore out today. I am having trouble sleeping at night. I think I need to get a smaller bed as soon as possible, a king size bed just seems so empty with just one person. I have been tempted to let the kids sleep with me but I don't want them to get used to it, plus I don't sleep well with them in the bed with me anyway. I have got to find another job, there are more lay-offs starting Monday at my job. I just don't have the time to go without missing work. The girls had a good day in school, Piper and Anakin were good at moms. Emotionally I have held it together today, but then so far I have been until later in the evening when the kids are going to bed and no one else is around. I hate for anyone to see me get upset. I actually surprised myself yesterday with what I wrote on here, I was trying to keep myself together enough so everyone would think I was ok and that I was handling this all well.

Since I wrote what I miss about Stephen yesterday, I have been thinking today about things that I wish had been at least a little different. So here goes.... I wish he would have been more into stuff that I am, I always put an extra foot forward to be interested in stuff he likes, he never did that for me. Yes, I know my movies are girly and there is no way he would have read a romantic suspense book, but there are other things. The kids and I went camping one year without him because he wasn't interested. I love fishing even though I never get to, I think once maybe twice in 10 years I got him to go with me. I like boardgames and cards and all I could get him to play was HIS board games and 5 card draw. I had been wanting to teach him progressive rummy for almost 2 years and he finally let me on our anniversary trip. I am not any type of dancer but I always wanted him to take me dancing, he never did. Yes, I loved going out with the kids and moms group and going dancing even though it took quite a few beers to get me on the dance floor, but to me there is just something about going dancing with a guy, to have your man with you like you are showing him off. I even asked him once about doing ballroom dancing classes with me, which is something I would love to learn and of course we never went. The only "dates" we ever had were to the movies, he never had any interest in doing anything other then that when we went out. Most of all my music, I know he hates country but to not even try to "deal" with it just because I love country always hurt, he would change the channel in the van as soon as he got behind the wheel, or even if I was driving as soon as he realized it was on country he would put a cd in. I couldn't ever get him to go outside with me and the kids because if he did he would sit there and look absolutely bored until I said you don't have to be out here and he would go in. We have NEVER taken our children to the park together. We went on one picnic when Jade and Starla were little, and I don't remember how I got him to do that. There are so many little things I overlooked and just dealt with because I love him, and I don't think he ever realized how much I gave up for him.

It's becoming real

Stephen and I have talked alot but I think everything is just now starting to sink in. I am starting to fall apart. I just want to cry all the time. I guess the 1st week was so easy because it was something new, I was on my own and could do what I wanted. Now I just wish Stephen was here. I miss having him here, and not because of the kids, and not because I don't want to be on my own. I miss him because I am still in love with him just as much as I ever was. I miss him telling me about his ideas for movies or stories, I miss watching him get so excited over them that he looks like he won a million dollars. I miss him laying next to me at night, and feeling so safe because he is there. I miss him making fun of my music because he cant stand country. I miss fussing about having to listen to Family Guy at night when I am trying to get to sleep. I miss getting butterflies in my stomach everyday right before 4:00 because that's when he would pull in the drive. I miss all the stress of the day going away or seeming meaningless just because he came through the door and kissed me. I miss asking him what he wants for dinner and telling him "food" when he asked what we have, and watching the annoyed look on his face because I answered that way every time. I miss his little "giggle" he would do when I would do something he didn't expect and it would tickle him. I miss listening to him rant about "stupid" people. I feel like I have taken for granted the great husband I had. Yes, I bragged on him constantly, I always loved doing that, but when I was home with him, did I really ever show him how much my world revolved around him?

Week 2

Well, I am exhausted physically and emotionally today. The line ran constantly at work today so I ran non stop. The downside to the job I was doing is there is no one close enough to talk to and the job is so easy you don't have to concentrate on what your doing, so that just leaves 8 hours of thinking! Which for me right now is NOT a good thing. I have so much going through my head, I know what I want, I just have a feeling in the end its not going to play out the way I would like for it to. I know that is very vague and no one will know what I am talking about, but I do, so I guess that's what counts.

Jade went on her field trip to The Hermitage today. She had a good time. She woke up around 4 or 5 this morning crying, and said she had a bad dream, when I asked her what it was she said she dreamed she was on her field trip to the Hermitage and died. She laid down with me and when she got up she was still excited about going, but I have to tell you I was nervous all day! I was so relieved when she got off the school bus this afternoon!

Starla has lost 2 teeth! She last one last night and one at school today! Luckily when Stephen stopped by he had $2, so the toothfairy can visit tonight.

Well, I think thats it for naow, I may add more later when I have more time.

The story of Stephen and I

Stephen and I worked at Sonic in Carthage for 4-5 months before we ever spoke. I approached him first. My brother and Stephen were both cooks there. Every time I looked in the kitchen they looked like they were going to kill each other and I couldn't stand it. So I asked my brother what was going on and he said he had no idea, Stephen just couldn't stand him. So one day I asked Stephen. I remember my exact words. I said "What is your problem with my brother?" He just looked at me and I said "Every time I look back there you guys look like you are going to kill each other." He said to me "He reminds me of a guy I went to school with that I couldn't stand." That was all there was to it. A couple days later all of Sonics employees had to be up there before they opened for a meeting. I was sitting in the car with my brother and Stephen walked by. Before I realized I had spoken out loud I said something to the effect of "holy shit." Stephen was wearing blue jean shorts a black tee shirt and a short sleeved two toned grey button up shirt, this was before he cut his hair and he had his hair down. (It was just the back, the top and sides were short). I was completely blown away, I had never had a guy catch my attention like that. After that I started catching peeks at him in the kitchen any chance I got. I even watched him graduate, with out him knowing of course. My cousin was in his class and I was there to see her graduate. I watched Stephen walk across the stage and get his diploma, I remember being very proud of him and thinking how cute he was, by then he had already cut his hair off but he was still gorgeous. Sometime after that I don't remember exactly when my sister and I were sitting in bestway parking lot for some reason, and Stephen stopped to talk to us. I don't know how it happened but sometime after that Stephen and I started hanging out at bestway after work, and I would stay out until 2 or 3 in the morning with mom thinking I was at work. We eventually started walking from Bestway parking lot, down around walmart parking lot and then back to bestway and behind the store. One day we started holding hands, I don't remember when it happened but I remember having butterflies in my stomach every time we touched. On September 30th we had already walked our usual route and after awhile Stephen said "Lets walk around Bestway again." So we did and we held hand until we got behind the store then he put his arm around my waist. At some point we stopped to look up at the stars, and when I turned and looked up at him we kissed. I remember feeling like fireworks went off inside my body form head to toe! When we started to walk away he almost forgot his hat, it had fallen from his head when we kissed. I remember chuckling a little as I asked him if he was going to get it. The rest of the evening is a complete blur. The next day at school I remember my friend wanted to know why I kept smiling, by the time school let out I was scared to death that I wouldn't see Stephen that day or that I would see him and he would tell me the kiss was a mistake. When I did see him he looked so happy to see me that I was shocked, I couldn't believe this great and gorgeous guy actually wanted to be my boyfriend! We never actually discussed being boyfriend and girlfriend, we were just always together. I cant even remember when we started referring to each other that way. Early in our relationship he said I love you to me and I asked him not to say it yet. I really didn't mean to shoot him down, I was just scared he was just saying it and didn't mean it. I don't know exactly when I fell and love with him, but I do remember being sad every time he wasn't with me. I wont put in here the details about when we stared making love because I don't know exactly who reads this, but after the new year I was having to unbutton my blue jeans when I sat down. It never occurred to me that I might be pregnant. I don't know how long it would have been before I realized it if my friends hadn't stared questioning the fact I was unbuttoning my jeans. I cant remember how I told Stephen that my period was late but, in February 1998, a few days before valentines day Stephen and I met at the health department across from my school. He stayed in the waiting room while I went back to get the results from the test. The lady confirmed I was pregnant and told me I was 7 weeks along. She gave me some info, and vitamins and sent me on my way. I waited until we were outside to tell Stephen. I remember all I said was "I'm 7 weeks" and his response was "it takes 7 weeks to get the test back, we could got to walmart and know today" I said "no I am 7 weeks pregnant." He drove me across to the school, I cant remember if we talked about it then or not. I know when I got into school and I was crying my friends knew without me telling them. That afternoon Stephen picked me up from school and we went to my house. I decided we needed to tell our parents right away and Stephen went to my room and I sat on the couch, mom was in the recliner and I said "I went to the health department today," mom just looked at me and I said "I'm 7 weeks pregnant." Mom hit the roof, she called Stephen out to the front room and tore into him. I remember feeling so bad for him, and wishing I had asked him to go home before I told her. When dad came in and mom told him he just shook his head the way he always does and I cant remember what mom said but he said "What you think 40 is to young to be a grandmother?" Then he called Stephen outside to help him unload something out of the van. The next couple days are a blur, I remember mom telling me I needed to hurry up and turn 17 because I didn't sound as bad as telling people her 16 year old was pregnant. On valentines day when I got home there was a valentines present on the bed for me and one for Stephen, I think he actually came over that day. I think he moved in with me sometime between valentines day and my birthday. On March 10th on my birthday, we went out for dinner I think, I cant exactly remember but I remember before we left Stephen gave me a heart ring for my birthday, I had seen it at walmart and loved it. By the end of the evening I was a little disappointed because I thought for sure he was going to propose, and he didn't. When we got back to the house we were walking up on the porch and he acted like he tripped, when I turned to see if he was ok, he was down on one knee with an engagement ring and asked me to marry him! Of course I started crying and said yes. We decided to get married while I was on spring break, so we picked Saturday April 11th. Mom and dad had to go with us to see a judge and to get our marriage license, since I was 17. Our wedding was small but beautiful, we picked yellow and white as the colors. I really wanted yellow tulips because they are my favorite flower, but we couldn't even find fake ones so I got fake yellow roses. I got a simple white lacy dress from Sears. Jeannie was my maid of honor and Micheal (Stephens brother) was his best man. I was never nervous, it just felt so right. I remember me and mom got to the church at 10:00 and I had to stay in this small little room until 2:00. People could come in to see me but I was not allowed out! At the reception we had White Sparkling grape juice in the champagne type bottle, since we couldn't have alochol since I was pregnant and we were both underage. It was awful! Stephen, Micheal, Jeannie and I all choked on it! We went to Comfort in in Lebanon for the night as our honeymoon. We went to Shoneys for supper. When we went to walmart someone asked us if we were going to prom!
On April 25th we went to my junior prom. The place Stephen rented his tux from for our wedding was supposed to hold it for prom, well they held the wrong one and kept his brothers instead of his. We did not realize this until we got back to the house to get dressed and it was too late to do anything about it. Luckily dad had a suit in his closet that someone had gave him that fit Stephen. So he wore that. We rented a room at the same hotel for prom night. There are not many details I remember between April and September when Jade was born. I do remember we moved into a trailer to be on our own at some point, I was in summer school because I slept through Algebra 1, and Stephen was working at a factory in Gordonsville where he got hit by a car. He was running across the parking lot and some girl had dropped her boyfriend off and backed up without looking and hit Stephen. He never called me at school to tell me, since we lived past the hospital he waited until he saw my car go by and then called the house. I remember his words were something like "I don't want you to worry but I need you to pick me up at the hospital, I'll explain when you get here." I got upset that he didn't call me at school and tell me so I could have been with him. Sometime after that We moved into a house on dry fork rd. We lived there when Jade was born. I developed preeclampsia around my 4th month and was put on bed rest and a no salt no sodium diet, which was awful! I could barely eat anything! On September 15th I was told to come into the hospital at 5:00 to have a stress test done. So we got down there and they didn't know what we were talking about, so we went home. By the time we got home the nurse called and said they found my paperwork they needed me to come back. So we went back, I got hooked up to a machine where I could watch Jades heartbeat. They said they were giving me something to cause contractions and they said I was having them but I never felt them. Sometime around 8 Dr. Rutherford came in and said every time I had a contraction Jades heart rate dropped. He wanted to know if we were ready to have a baby. I of course started crying and said yes. I got a little scared at one point because the guy that gave me the spinal tap said Stephen couldn't come into the operating room with me, the nurse said she would be right back and left when she came back she said Dr. Rutherford said he could as long as he understood if he is asked to leave he must leave immediately. At 8:54 p.d Jade was born. She was absolutely beautiful!@ She had a head full of dark hair and was 5 pounds even and was 21 1/2 inches long!

To be continued.....(my butt is getting numb! lol

Rough couple of days

I didn't write Friday because I have been struggling with some things and its stuff I cant openly talk about right now, so I didn't know what to even write.
Stephen picked up the kids at about 7 last night. A friend of mine I used to work with came over for a couple hours, then Tanya came up around 2 in the morning and we sat up the rest of the night talking. I had a good time. Today I have been kind of blah, I guess you would say. And kind of lonely, its SO quite without the kids here, I don't even know what to do. I am so bored I can not concentrate on any one thing for very long. I have played on the pc, watched tv, went outside for awhile, worked on my scrapbook, painted my toenails and yet after all that I am still bored out of my mind! I decided to write when I caught myself staring out into space and wishing this wasn't my life. I have always loved my life and the way it has gone. I have always been so proud of the fact that I got married a month after I turned 17 and had a baby and one on the way when I graduated high school. I have always been proud of the fact that I found the love of my life so early. I loved telling people about Stephen and I and our "fairytale" life, we started so young and had beat the odds at so much stuff, and it really hurts that its come to an end. I always imagined us growing old together, sitting up at night together when each of our girls go on their 1st date, watching our children grow and fall in love themselves and hope they find something as special as what we had, and when they do and they have a family of their own sitting on our front porch watching our grand children play. As much as I try I can not understand how we were so happy for 10 years and then all the sudden.......

Stephen just called and asked if I wanted to come over to his parents house with them and have dinner, they are grilling out. So I am going to go over there, I am a little nervous becuase I havent seen his dad since he moved out and his dad is like mione to me, I can not stand to dissapoint either of them, but I know he will still love me no matter what happens between Stephen and I.

Day 4

Its getting easier. I think I am starting to really except this is the way my life is meant to go. Anyway, today at work was VERY boring! The other building and another line in the building I am in got to go home around 10:30, they made the 8 of us on my line stay because they had enough parts for us to run 76 pieces, that we ran after standing around for 3 hours talking while they were changing over the machine.
I got to wear my levis that are my favorite jeans today! They are smaller then the ones I wore the other day and I didn't have to lay on the bed to button them! They were a little snug but not to the point of discomfort. I got a compliment on them today and it took me a while to realize it was a compliment and not just a comment! lol

Jade and Starla got their progress reports today. Starla had A's in Reading, Spelling, English, Phonics, and Social Studies, and B's in Math and Science. Jade had a 92 in Reading, a 100 in Spelling, a 98 in English, a 100 in science, a 90 in social studies and they didn't have enough math grades to average so her teacher put an n/a on every ones math. I am very proud of them! Jades grades have came up a great deal since report cards!