Day 3

Today went pretty good. The work I have been doing the last two days has the muscles in my shoulders killing me! I would give anything for a massage right now! Plus I got the smart idea today to stand on my tip toes every time the machine went down to help strengthen the muscles in my legs, so my calf muscles are sore! Jade said a boy named Tony called her a bad name in school today. Starla said she had a good day. Piper worked on writing her name today. She said it was her and nanas school. She wants homework, so tomorrow I have to ask mom to send her some homework home! lol. Anakin didn't have any potty accidents today, and he didn't nap so I should be able to get him to bed early. Yeaaaa! lol Stephen is here now visiting with the kids, so they are wild and loud! lol But I guess that is to be expected when they don't see him everyday anymore. I cant think of much else right now, but I will probably add more later.

Ok, Its later! lol I just realized a few minutes ago that this week so far I have been able to keep the house clean and the laundry done, while working full time. I guess one person really does make a difference. I haven't even had the kids help much. They put up some laundry last night but that's about it, I have been doing the dishes every night and straightening up before bed. I guess I don't get as stressed about it because I am the only adult to clean now. I used to get so aggravated after I started working about doing the housework alone. I guess that's why I didn't try to go to 1st shift sooner, I figured I would never have anytime because I would have to do housework as soon as I got home, and then make supper, and get the kids ready for bed.
Stephen left about 5:30, the kids enjoyed seeing him. I kind of felt like I was talking to a stranger, I felt like he was holding back something, not saying something he wanted to say. All I have asked of him is for him to be honest with me and tell me the truth, and yet I still feel like he is holding back. It was weird to not have my heart beat faster with him near me, but I also did avoid touching him because I am not sure I am ready for that. There is more I would like to write about but some of it I can not put in here because it is stuff I don't want just anyone knowing. And I know my blog can not be found through searches on google or anything like that, but I am not sure exactly who does read it.
We have had dinner, and I have the dishes done, Jade and Starla have showered, so all I have left tonight is to get everything ready for tomorrow and give Piper and Anakin a bath. Then I have nothing to do. I finished reading my book today, so I need to search through my book shelf and find one I haven't read or one I read a long time ago. I don't watch much tv anymore. It took me Monday and Tuesday to get through watching the desperate Housewives I recorded Sunday, I still have Brothers and Sisters to get through. I think part of it is I used to watch tv in the bedroom while I was doing laundry and I don't have a tv in there now. And having the little tv in the front room, you have to turn the volume just about all the way up to hear it and you have to be still to see it. The windows in the front room used to make a small glare on Stephens big tv, but on the little one the glare pretty much takes up the whole tv. lol

I realized when I was showering Anakin I need to get him some different shampoo and body wash! He always used Stephens and now all we have in the house is girly stuff! He smells like Sweet Pea right now!

Anakin Counted! (Sort of)

Anakin was playing with my big calculator and I went through all the numbers and he repeated them all after I said them! It was so cute!

Day 2

Well, today was alot easier then yesterday. I am definitely in better spirits today. Thank you everyone for your comments. Shannon- your welcome to call anytime, I do not have long distance and Stephen has the cell phone so I have no way to call anyone that is long distance for me. I had a good day at work and only had one short period of "down" time and that was cause a guy at work asked me if I was married. I didn't know what to say. I am still legally married but we are getting a divorce and we haven't filed yet. So what do I say? Do I say yes, I am married, or I am getting a divorce, or I will be going through a divorce soon, or yes, but we are separated until we file for divorce. I am totally lost on this, I do not know how to answer that question right now. I think yesterday was so hard because it was my 1st full day o my own and basically a new job at the same time. Its the same company but being on a different shift I don't know anyone.
The kids are doing ok. Jade got upset at school yesterday. All four of them got to talk to their dad last night before supper and then Jade and Starla talked to him to say goodnight at bedtime.
So far our mornings have went pretty smoothly, yes its only been 2 days and I expect by the end of the week I will have trouble motivating in the morning, but I have been very proud of myself for getting up on my own with and alarm clock the last 2 mornings. I have not done that since high school! I just need to remember to make lunch! I was starving today! Mom gave Piper and Anakin each a folder and she is working on their ABC's with them. Piper was so proud when she showed me her papers. Anakin showed me a car and airplane he colored, he was also very proud of his work!

On another note...I wore a pair of jeans to work today that the last time I wore them I had to lay on the bed to button them(its been about a month). I put them on this morning and they buttoned no problem! So when I got to moms this afternoon, I used her scale, since I don't have one and I have lost 11 pounds! I am thrilled! I started walking some last week and have been using my walk away the pounds dvd. Plus I have cut the sugar in my coffee by half and I don't drink it all day long, I have 1 cup in the morning and that's it. OK, so its 1 BIG cup, but 1 none the less! lol!

4:40
I told Anakin to get on the potty, well he got mad so he went to just plop himself down on the potty, but the cushion part wasn't on there so he sat in the bowl! It was probably funnier being here, but I got a kick out of it so I had to share.

UGH!

You never realize how much you look forward to sharing your day with someone until you have no one to share it with. I know I have my kids here and I have alot of friends I could call and talk to, but its not the same. I am just really hoping this gets easier. I can not concentrate on anything. My heads a mess, and I know its just going to take time to straighten it out, which is driving me crazy because I just want to get on with my life.

1st Day

Today was my 1st day of 1st shift. I work 6:24 to 2:54, yes weird times. It gets weirder. 1st break is at 8:30, 2nd break is 10:30, and Lunch is at 12:30. I don't think I have ever worked anywhere that lunch was not in the middle of the shift. Mom watched the kids today, Jade and Starla got off the bus over there. So I ended up having to wait 25 minutes for them before I got to come home, but mom is not going to let me rush out anyway, so its ok.

I think I made mom mad because she said if I cant handle the house payment her and dad can move in an help me with it so I don't loose my house. I told her I am NOT going to lose my house and I don't want ANYONE living with me! I have never been on my own, even when Stephen and I separated years ago, my sister moved in to help me out, so I have never lived alone! I know I am not exactly alone now, I have the kids of course, but I do not want another adult living with me. I feel like mom don't think I can handle being on my own with 4 kids, I know it is going to be hard, but I am strong enough to handle it.

I cant sleep tonight! Which sucks because I start 1st shift Monday morning. This is going to really screw up my schedule.

This is probably going to be a huge surprise to most of you who read this. Stephen and I are getting a divorce. I really don't want to get into every detail, but basically we have just grown apart. We got married very young, and I don't think we were meant to be together for the rest of our lives. We have mutually agreed that this is what we need to do, and we have so far agreed on everything to settle in the divorce. The kids will live with me throughout the school year and he will get them on weekends, plus he can see them anytime during the week if he wants. Then for the summer he will have them every other week. We decided it would be best for the kids to live in the house, so the kids and I are staying here. Stephen is staying with his parents for a couple weeks until he can afford his own place. Tanya and Jeannie came up tonight to help me sort through stuff. We got everything sorted but one closet, because Piper and Anakin were sleeping in the room. All of Stephens stuff is in the dining room waiting for him. I put the table in the kitchen and I think I might leave it there after his stuff is gone and make that a playroom for the kids. We also moved the front room around. I needed it to look different.

I had a little more housework to do this morning plus some errands this afternoon, so I didn't go to the park to walk today but I did the 2 mile brisk walk on the walk away the pounds dvd. I am thinking of alternating every other day with the outside walk and the dvd. Piper walked with me for a few minutes, she was funny trying to do the kicks in it! lol Anakin only did the part where you stretch your arms out then bring them together, which looks like a big clap!

A new life

I realized a few things today. I am not ugly, I am pretty and even though I could stand to lose quite a few pounds, I am not an elephant. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I know my kids love me just the way I am, and I should too. I also realized that I deserve the best life has to offer, I don't have to settle for anything! Its amazing that when you get your head clear and your thoughts in order you can be alot stronger then you ever realized you could possibly be. So today begins my new life, one where I believe in myself, and one where I settle for nothing less then what I deserve!

Its 10:00 now, the kids and I just got back from the park, we went walking and then played for awhile. It helped some to get out of the house. I called Randstad to talk to Carol about 1st shift but I had to leave her a message. I can't go out and look for a job today because mom has a dr. appointment, but she is going to watch Piper and Anakin tomorrow so I can. I hope I find something very quickly, I don't want to go back to Dura on 3rd shift Sunday night. Anakin has a dr appointment tomorrow afternoon for his butt, the rash went away for a week and then came back. I am starting to think he has some type of infection.

Carol just called back, she is going to get me on 1st shift there. I will still have to look for something else, becuase I cant get hired on, but its a 1st shift for now. She said she would call me back when she got everything arranged.

Wow

Well surprisingly writing out that post earlier helped me some. I was able to forget about the things I didn't want to think about for awhile. I never realized writing it out would help so much. So there may end up being alot more rambling on here that wont make sense until I work through what I am trying to get past. I was able to make supper and fold some clothes and read for awhile and cut Anakins hair and give him a bath all without thinking about the thoughts that have been plaguing me lately. Even now its just a thought or worry here and there, not like earlier when they were to the they felt like they running on high speed non stop and enough to make me want to cry. I feel alot more at peace and semi-happy then I have in the last couple of days. I probably really sound like a fruitcake here! There are alot of scary what ifs, that I need to figure out how to accept the possibility of. And all I can hope is that they never come to be.

Just babbling

Why does life never work out the way you want it to? Why can you not just flip a switch and shut your mind off when you want? Why do things have to change? If life were simple we would know the answers to these questions. I know this post will probably not make much sense to anyone but me but I need to write it out anyway. My head is a complete jumble right now, I know what I want with my life, so why am I unable to just wait patiently to find out if that's whats going to happen. Why do I have to get something stuck in my head that breaks my heart every time I think about it? I just want to shut off the little voice in there that says "hey remember this, what about this." I want the normal self esteem most people get to enjoy, I absolutely hate the little nagging thoughts that say "If you were better, or prettier that wouldn't of happened," or the one that keeps telling me I don't deserve most of what I have. I want these thoughts out of my head. I am so sick and tired of being so hard on myself, why can I not believe I deserve happiness and I have people that love me just the way I am. Why can I not take a compliment and believe it? Why can I not see what everyone else sees. I have been told numerous time what a good person I am, why cant I ever see that? Yes, I get a small glimpse every once in awhile, but why cant I believe in myself and see that all the time? Why am I so obsessive about my size? Why can I not be happy with who I am? I hate always feeling huge, and I hate always wondering if people look at me and think "my God she is big." Why do I always have to wonder why I cant be as pretty of small as someone else? My head is a complete jumble right now. I have seriously got to work on my self esteem. I want to be happy being who I am, I want to have the confidence to walk in a room and have people look at me and not wonder if they are thinking I am gross. How do I get here, how do I get this stuff out of my head and make it go away? I enjoy life so much, I love having fun and joking around and being silly. I like to not act my age, and make my kids gawk with shock cause I just did something they never thought I would do, like spraying them with the hose in the kitchen. I love to make people happy and I love to help people out, I can not stand to see anyone struggle. Why with all this do I have so much negativity about myself in my head?

Gatlinburg- post not finished lost notebook!

April 5, 2008 to April 12, 2008

Stephen and I went to the Smokey Mountains for the whole week for our 10 year wedding anniversary. Jade and Starla stayed with Stephen's parents and Piper and Anakin stayed with Tanya. Everyone seemed to do fine, Starla had a little trouble but they worked through it and she was OK. She also got into trouble for not listening but my MIL handled it well and I am proud of her for that. So we didn't get onto Starla at home cause we didn't want her to think that what Granny had already said didn't matter. I sort of kept a journal while we were there so I would remember more of what I wanted to put on here.

The traffic wasn't to bad on the way up, it got a little crazy a few times with people being in to much of a hurry, but nothing seriously bad. There was a white and gold SUV that kept pissing Stephen off, so he slowed down on purpose for awhile to get away from it, and when we got into Sevierville it was in front of us again! It had a distinctive licence plate and a gold emblem on the back so there was no doubt it was the same people. I thought it was funny, Stephen however really didn't think it was!

The cabin was awesome although the driveway was a bit scary! It was very steep and narrow! I had to put the van in 1st gear to make it climb it! When we checked the cabin out to make sure everything was as it was supposed to be, there was dirty laundry in the washer and stuff in the dryer, so I called the office and they sent someone after it. I realized later it was the towels that belonged in the cabin! So we ended up having to wash towels everyday to have enough, but it wasn't to bad cause I threw in the clothes we wore so we didn't come home with a bunch of dirty laundry. Our cabin had a theater room and Stephen had to fix the projector. We waited 3 hours for maintenance and they never showed.

4-6-08 (as written while we were there)
I had trouble sleeping last night, I kept hearing strange noises. I got up at 7:00 this morning. I just couldn't sleep any longer. Its so strange being here with out the kids, I'm not sure what to do, I kind of feel lost! Starla called last night, she said she missed us already. I had to tell her if she couldn't make it through this week then she would not be able to go to girl scout camp.

We went for a walk this afternoon. We tried the walking trail but it didn't really go anywhere, so we decided to walk down to the creak and we followed it a ways down the road until it got to narrow to walk along the road. Coming back up the drive was exhausting! Stephen made a bet he could run up it and if he made it to the top I had to watch a movie of his choice. He didn't make it! lol After we got back we were going to go find a store to get something to drink, and the van would not start! Apparently we didn't shut one of the doors all the way or something because my battery was dead! So we didn't go anywhere, and just hung out and figured we would wait until tomorrow to deal with the van.

4-8-08
We realized this morning that since my van is still under warranty we have free roadside assistance. So we called and they sent someone out. The guy called 3-4 times to say he was 20 minutes away! When he finally got here it was a whole 5 seconds to get the van started. We decided to go look around gatlinburg. On the way out we saw a big black snake! I had to stop and let it cross! I couldn't run it over. Stephen freaked out so I kept telling him I was going to buy a fake black snake to torture him with.

4-9-08
We decided to hang out at the cabin all day and just relax. I cant remember what we did, but Stephen did finally let me teach him progressive rummy, and we watched Mulan Rouge on the big screen.

4-10-08
We stayed around the cabin until 4:00 today, then we went out to walmart and Starbucks. Earlier this morning I was sitting on the picnic table reading and there was a rustle in the leaves, well I expected a squirrel, so I look up to find it and it was a snake! I took off running into the cabin, Stephen said he thought I had seen a bear! I told him I would have been running alot faster from a bear! We looked out the bathroom window trying to find it but couldn't. We figured I scared it off. We watched I Am Legend on the big screen. I do miss the kids alot, it has been almost to quite! I am sure they will more then make up for that when we get home though.

4-11-08
We go woke up around 3:30 this morning cause something was beeping, and the power was out. So we were in the dark with and annoying beeping thing until 8:30 when the lights came back on.

4-12-08
We left early this morning to get the kids and get home.