Just babbling

Why does life never work out the way you want it to? Why can you not just flip a switch and shut your mind off when you want? Why do things have to change? If life were simple we would know the answers to these questions. I know this post will probably not make much sense to anyone but me but I need to write it out anyway. My head is a complete jumble right now, I know what I want with my life, so why am I unable to just wait patiently to find out if that's whats going to happen. Why do I have to get something stuck in my head that breaks my heart every time I think about it? I just want to shut off the little voice in there that says "hey remember this, what about this." I want the normal self esteem most people get to enjoy, I absolutely hate the little nagging thoughts that say "If you were better, or prettier that wouldn't of happened," or the one that keeps telling me I don't deserve most of what I have. I want these thoughts out of my head. I am so sick and tired of being so hard on myself, why can I not believe I deserve happiness and I have people that love me just the way I am. Why can I not take a compliment and believe it? Why can I not see what everyone else sees. I have been told numerous time what a good person I am, why cant I ever see that? Yes, I get a small glimpse every once in awhile, but why cant I believe in myself and see that all the time? Why am I so obsessive about my size? Why can I not be happy with who I am? I hate always feeling huge, and I hate always wondering if people look at me and think "my God she is big." Why do I always have to wonder why I cant be as pretty of small as someone else? My head is a complete jumble right now. I have seriously got to work on my self esteem. I want to be happy being who I am, I want to have the confidence to walk in a room and have people look at me and not wonder if they are thinking I am gross. How do I get here, how do I get this stuff out of my head and make it go away? I enjoy life so much, I love having fun and joking around and being silly. I like to not act my age, and make my kids gawk with shock cause I just did something they never thought I would do, like spraying them with the hose in the kitchen. I love to make people happy and I love to help people out, I can not stand to see anyone struggle. Why with all this do I have so much negativity about myself in my head?