I am still waiting to here back about my physical. I am starting to get really nervous, I really want that job! We had a pretty good weekend. Me and Jeannie took the kids outside for awhile yesterday. Jade and Starla were playing with snails for some reason. Anakin was jumping off the porch. Piper was going back and forth between the snails and jumping off the porch! Evan played in his walker, he didn't like the grass touching his bare feet! lol I tried to go to bed around 10 last night just in case I got to work today, but I had trouble getting to sleep. Jade, Starla and Piper laid in Jeannie's room with her and watched movies, I am not sure what time they went to bed. Anakin didn't get up until almost 9, this morning. Of course on a morning I get up at 7 he wants to sleep in longer then usual! lol Jeannie, mom, and me went to DT McCalls yesterday and today we will have delivered new bunk bed mattresses for the girls and a bed for Jeannie. If I do get this job, in a couple weeks I am going to go get a bedroom suite I found down there that I really like. We tried to get it yesterday but we didn't have enough money to put down on it.

As long as everything was OK with my physical yesterday I have a job! I was supposed to start at 7 a.m Monday but since they didn't get my results back in time I have to call them at 8 Monday. I went ahead and got the pants, shirts and shoes I needed so I have them, but if for some reason something was wrong with the physical I will just take them back. Their uniform is khaki type pants and polo type shirts. You have to tuck your shirt in, which I do not care for! I have not tucked my shirt in since high school!

I stayed up until 2:30 last night coloring and watching Gilmore Girls. The kids went to bed by 11p.m so I enjoyed the quite time in my room. I got up at 7:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I wanted to lay out today but there is an auction up the street and even though I can lay in my front yard with a lot of skin showing and usually be comfortable, I don't think I would be as comfortable with this much traffic. So now I am not sure what I want to do today, I do want to at least take the kids outside but again with this traffic I am not sure.

I did not sleep well last night, partly because I slept on the couch and partly because I had an awful dream. I had a dream that the cops that raided my house came and got me and Stephen and said we had to go with them and sneak down a hill somewhere to see if the people down there had guns. Well when we got to the bottom of the hill a whole group of people started shooting at us! I got shot a couple times, Stephen only got shot once, he ran faster than me. When we got back up the hill the cops tried to take off and leave us. Then I woke up. I don't think I mentioned, the other day the Sheriff actually called and apologized about the raid.

I have an interview tomorrow for a place called Tackle, they make seats for Nissan. The guy did mapquest before he called me about the job and said it is 34 miles from me, which I don't think is to bad. Its $10.00 an hour to start then $12.00 an hour after 90 days, when as long as I do a good job I will get hired on and have benefits and everything. The 1st shift is 7:30 to 5:30, the 3rd shift is 7:30 to 5:30, I am not sure which one I will get, he said they need people for both and the company will decide after orientation who gets what shift. But he said its a good company and if I explain about my kids I should have a pretty good shot at 1st. I wouldn't mind the 3rd since my family is staying with me for now, but since the sift starts at 7:30, I wouldn't have much time with the girls when school goes back. I would get to take Piper to and from Pre-K, and I would get to go on field trips and not have to miss work for appointments, but the 7:30 is to early for me for a 3rd shift, I wouldn't get to tuck the kids in at night.

My parents, sister and nephew are moving in with me for a couple months. My sister's husband has went crazy, and I was worried about mom and the baby being alone over there at night. Jeannie(my sister) had to go get an order of protection against him today. So now I have 4 adults, 5 kids, 1 puppy and a frog in my 3 bedroom house!

Well today has been......up and down I guess. This morning started off pretty good. The kids were all in pretty good moods, I think. I made them eggs and turkey bacon for breakfast. I have gotten bad about buying to much of stuff! We have been wasting food. There was a dozen and a half of eggs I had to use this morning plus a thing of turkey bacon that had to be used before it went bad. Then they got to have chicken legs for lunch that had to be cooked. Sometime after lunch we went outside, the kids played with the sprinkler while I laid out. I have got to get a lawn chair! It is really hard to get sun on my belly and watch the kids.

Stephen and I went to meet with the lawyer today. He was kind of a goofy little guy. He gave us some paperwork to fill out, and pretty much we just need to write everything out and he will put everything together for us. There is a parenting class we have to take, he said its like 4 hour class.

I only let Anakin take a 30 minute nap today and he is asleep now! So lets hope he is out for the night and not up at 5 am!

The kids slept in a little this morning, I guess I really wore them out last night! Anakin was being good all morning up until he got a hold of my carton of cigarettes and tore apart 2 packs! I had them up to where he couldn't reach them too! I am not sure how he got to them! He is supposed to be napping right now, but of course he keeps getting up! lol
I talked to Tanya(not the one from the moms group) this morning, she is not doing real good. I am worried about her. I can't go into details on here since so many people read this. I checked out career builder again this morning, they had a few new things. So keep your fingers crossed that I hear back from someone soon! I wish gas wasn't so expensive so i could actually go around to some companies and not have to try through temp services.
I think I mentioned yesterday that Stephen and I are going to the lawyer today. We had to find a different one. This guy is about $250.00 cheaper and only needs the filing fee upfront, then Stephen has the 3 month waiting period to come up with the rest. If I can get a job soon, I am going to try to help him pay for it. Since I am wanting the divorce just as much as he is now, I want to help cover the costs. I still don't regret marrying him, we had 10 great years together and 4 beautiful children. The only regret I have is that our children don't get to grow up with their parents together, but we will both make sure they are OK. They will always know how much we love them, and that this has nothing to do with them. I am very thankful that we are remaining friends, he has been a big part of my life and has made me the woman I am today, and Stephen has also told me I have made him a better man. I know most of you are not going to be able to understand, we have heard a lot of people say we should try again for the kids, but our situation has always been unique. We got married very young and I believe everything happens for a reason. This last two months, I have really learned a lot about myself, my relationship with my mother has changed for the better, but aside from that there is one more thing I can't help but thinking and some of my readers may not believe it or understand it. My biggest dream growing up was to have a lot of kids, I always wanted 4 or 6. With the problems I am having monthly and my families history of hysterectomies I am pretty sure that when I do go to the doctor about it I am going to have to have a hysterectomy. So I do believe Stephen was brought into my life early, so that I could have the children I always wanted. The older I got the harder it was to get pregnant, I got pregnant with Jade and Starla at 16 and 17 with no trying at all, We lost a baby in 2001 when I was 20, and then it took 2 more years of trying to get Piper when I was 22, we started trying when Piper was 3 months for #4 and Anakin didn't come along until almost 3 years later. I really believe if I hadn't had kids so early, I wouldn't have gotten to have them all if any. I feel I was really blessed for it to be Stephen and not someone that would have treated us bad or taken off when I found out I was pregnant with Jade. I could not have asked for a better father for my children.

Its 10:50 p.m and I just got the kids to bed for the 2nd time. I put them to bed at 9 p.m but everyone wanted to keep getting up, so being the awfully mean mother I am I made them all get up and help me clean the house! We cleaned out from under the beds, mopped and everything. Now everyone is tired and ready for bed! Anakin is of course not as ready as the rest of them. Plus I am making him sleep in his toddler bed. He has got to get out of the habit of sleeping with me. He is going to start sleeping in his toddler bed again until I can get the bunks, and for now Piper is back to sharing a bed with Starla. We also had to put Zelda, our puppy, outside. She keeps pooping on the floor! I don't think the girls take her out for long enough periods of time, but they were pretty upset about her going outside, so maybe they will start taking her out long enough when I let them bring her in again. I have really relaxed on the house rules this summer, trying to give them more play time and less chore time, but I warned them that is changing tomorrow. They will get back to doing dishes right after supper, and cleaning their rooms before bed. I really tried not to be so obsessive with the house work, and I am not as bad as I was, I don't stress over it to the point where the housework comes 1st, we have to find a happy medium.

Now Anakin is out of bed saying he has to poop! I am about to shorten his nap time! Maybe he will go to bed easier. Stephen mentioned in his blog it took him until 11 to get Anakin to bed last night, and here it is 11 tonight and he is still up! I have got to fix this before I start working!

Ohh and did I mention Jade and Starla now have a pet frog! They found it in the yard last week, the same day I took apart the fish tank, so now there is a frog living in the fish tank! He is HUGE! I told them the 1st time he gets out they have to set him free! They catch bugs to put in his tank for him, and they took him outside to play today! lol

The kids came home this morning, they spent sat and sun night with Stephen. We had a rough morning, I think cause everyone was cranky, but the day got better. The stimulus check finally came in this morning, which was good because I really needed it. I got the van paid, and some other bills. I had to wait on the kids bunks though, I will have to get them later. We went and paid bills then went to moms till it was time to get to the phone company, and since we still had 40 min to wait on Stephen we went to the park. Then we went to the bank and since we both needed to go to walmart we just rode together from there. Its kind of amazing to me that he and I get along better as friends now. We go to the lawyer tomorrow to start filing the paper work.

I had the bright idea to drink last night. When you mix wild cherry Pepsi and vodka together, you really can not taste the vodka. I drank a lot more then I meant to and drank it a lot faster then I meant to. I really don't remember much, most of what I do Jeannie and Stephen filled in for me. I pretty much "hit rock bottom," as my sister put it. All I have wanted to do all day is cry. I have been so worried about how everyone else is handling this that I apparently convinced myself that I was fine. I want more then anything to be fine, but right now I am not. I don't know how to be me without Stephen, I don't know how to go on with my life without him. He has been by my side for 10 years, and now at the age of 27 for the 1st time in my life I am alone. I know I have a lot of family and friends, and I have my kids, so I am not technically alone, but having all of them is not the same as having your husband there.

Finally ok!

Well, I know it is definitely over now for me and Stephen. I think in the back of my mind I was still wanting us to work things out because we have been together for so long and had a good marriage, but I know without a doubt now that I am not in love with him. I know I love him and I always will, he is the father of my children, without him, I wouldn't have them. I am ready for the divorce and I am ready to move on. A lot has happened the couple days, that I don't want to explain, I want to just forget about it, even though I never will because it helped me realize that I am ready to take on the world and be without Stephen.

I talked to Stephen tonight for quite awhile, and there are some things I have been thinking about the last couple of days. I have come to realize our marriage did not come to this because he had feelings for someone else. We both let our marriage go. The last couple months before we separated I spent alot of time in my bedroom reading or watching tv. When Stephen would ask if I wanted to do something I would say he could play his game, I was gonna go read. I wasn't spending any time with him. I need everyone to know he is not a bad guy, he did not cheat on me and I don't want him treated like he did me wrong, because I did him just as wrong. We have talked alot and we still want to be friends. I do still care about him and always will because he is the father of my children and I have spent 10 good years with him. I also think the reason I didn't want the divorce before was because I got scared about being alone. I don't do good with change and being on my own with 4 kids, not having my husband around is alot of change to deal with at one time. He is going to be in my life for the rest of my life because we share four beautiful children together, I do not want to hate him and be mad at him all the time, I just can not do that, its not me.

I honestly do want the divorce and I do feel its whats best. I am ready to move on and find someone who has more of my interests in common. I have never dated, so I am a little scared about that part, but I am also looking forward to it. I am still a little scared about being on my own, but I need to be. I have to stand on my own.

I am going to unblock my blog tonight, Stephen and I talked about it, he said he enjoyed reading it so he could know how the kids and I are doing, and he is not going to take the kids away. That's not what he was doing before, he just wanted to help.

I got woke up at 7:20 this morning to police banging on my door! There were police everywhere all over my house! I opened the door and they started yelling "where's Billy?" I said who? then I got asked over and over for about5 -10 minutes if I have ever seen Billy, after 2 pictures I am still sure I have never seen the dude. It was seriously like on tv when cops charge a place! And when that guy kept asking me if I knew Billy, he made me feel like I was hiding something! What a way to start the morning! Ok, I need coffee now!

We went to meet with the lawyer today. It was a waste of time. He wants $757.00 upfront. All he did was ask if we were both sure we want to file, then he told Stephen with 4 kids child support will be high, most likely half of his income. He said call back when we have the money. I don't know how Stephen is going to pay for it. I want to get this over and done with, but I can not afford to pay anything towards the divorce.

I got this kids a puppy today! She is an Aussi Mix, I cant remember what the lady said the mix was, and I had to look up Aussi, since I had never heard of it, but its an Australian Shepard. She is very pretty, she is light brown and white with green eyes! They named her Zelda, yes their dad helped them pick it!

I am a little nervous about tomorrow. We go to the lawyer at 2p.m. I still can't believe it has actually come to this. I thought for sure we would work everything out and our marriage would be stronger.

Past Couple of Days

Thursday jade and Starla went to work with me. Mom wanted Piper and Anakin for the night, so to save some gas, the girls and I spent the night with Aunt Sally. We had a pretty good day. We went and got Chinese for lunch, and the girls decided to get Jello, well we got it to go and by the time we got back to the shop their food was swimming in Jello! it had melted! Jade had it from her belly to her toes! I didn't sleep very well, cause I shared an air mattress with the girls. Thursday at work John was telling the girls about a mouse named Rico that lives in the shop, just messing around with them. Friday morning when we got to the shop, Starla found a note from Rico. It said something like "Dear Jade and Starla thank you for the Chinese food and Jello" and was signed Rico with a little paw print! Starla was so amazed! I don't think Jade took it very seriously, but Starla could not get over the fact a mouse knew their names and could write! lol

I was exhausted Friday night. Stephen picked up the kids sometime after 7, then around 9:30 a friend of mine talked me into going to Lebanon with her. She wanted me to go home with her and just hang out for awhile, but I was to exhausted! Saturday night, Jeannie and I went to Missy's house for her birthday. We stopped at Chili's on the way down for supper. I got lost on the back roads in M'boro, I told Jeannie they moved the roads around since the last time I was in that area! lol We came home earlier then we had planned on since Jeannie had been up for about 40 hours! And I started today so my belly was cramping.

I asked Stephen why he lied to me that day. He said he felt like I was spying on him, that it seemed like every time he left the house I was calling. I told him I have never in the 10 years we have been together never spied on him. That I was calling so much cause I missed him! I would think up reasons to call him just to talk to him for a few minutes! This is still not what I want, I really wanted to work our marriage out, we have had 10 great years. Yes, we had a few bumps along the way but we always made it through. But now there is no way I can stay married to someone I can not trust. If he would have just been honest we would have still had a chance! I was even trusting him enough to be friends with her, yeah if he would have said he was at the park with her it would have hurt and I would have been upset, but at least I would have known I could still trust him to be honest.

I finally was able to get a cell phone! I got it from Sprint, they only wanted $100.00 deposit and the phone was only $20.00. Now I don't have to worry about having to walk down 840 alone if anything happens to my van! Which it is a good vehicle, but the thought of having to walk down and interstate alone terrifies me! My cell is supposed to be local for 683 numbers but its not, so my number may have to get changed but for now my cell number is 615-480-9864
Anyway, I am about to get ready for bed. Hope everyone has a good night!

The kids and I just walked down to the church parking lot across the rail road tracks so they could ride their bikes on pavement. We were not even down there 10 minutes and it started raining! So naturally we came home, its about a 10 minute walk with 4 kids, so we are all pretty wet. We get back into the yard and it quit raining! Can you believe that?

I am so tired today. I slept maybe 2 1/2 - 3 hrs last night. I am hoping to get the kids to bed a little early, but some how I doubt it since Anakin is asleep right now! I really need to wake him but he will be SO cranky!

I am feeling a little better today. My throat is still a little sore, and I feel a little weak, but other then that I feel ok. Mom kept the kids yesterday then Stephen picked them up after work and stayed here with them until he got them to bed. I hate being sick! I am starting to dread Sunday through Tuesday! Last week it was tummy trouble and this week its strep! Can I just skip those 3 days next week?

I think I am going to have to give in and take the job at Dell. I have made enough working for Shannon and John for gas and stuff the kids and I need for the house, but I now have the phone, electric, and water bills due. It sucks because I like working down there, its just so far that the gas is taking most of what I make. $60.00 only got me down there and back 2 days last week. I hate gas prices it ridiculous!

Piper and Anakin are running wild this morning. I am trying to get them to sit down and watch Monsters Inc. Hopefully they will.

UGH!

I woke up this morning feeling like shit! My tonsils are swollen and have white spots, which means it is more then likely strep. I HATE getting strep, it hits me so hard I can't function! I am going to have to have Stephen take the kids, and I have to hope my sister has $30.00 I can borrow to go to the doctor tomorrow!

Today has been pretty good so far. Anakin has been listening pretty good. He just got up from a nap and is in a good mood. Starla is not home yet, she spent the night with mom last night. I didn't sleep very well last night. Stephen and I had a huge argument over the phone last night. We talked again this morning, and I told him all I was asking for was for him to get Anakin a little more since Anakin is having trouble with us being separated. I think I finally got through to him. He said he understood how hard this is on me and the kids. I told him he has NO way of understanding. He is not here, he can not possible understand what its like to be the only one to take care of 4 kids everyday for a month and a half! I am the only one to cook, clean, give baths, and play with them. He said something about swapping "positions" for awhile. I told him I had thought of that, and If I had somewhere to go I would have him live here with the kids for a week or two and maybe he would understand better what I am going through. That it is stressful, but it doesn't mean I cant handle my kids! But we cant do that because I have no where to go. Moms house is to full already with Jeannie and Evan living there and I can not afford to rent a place.

Blog change

I changed my blog to private because Stephen had been reading it and was taking stuff the wrong way. Now he wants to take Anakin full time. He is NOT taking my son from me! He has already torn our family apart enough. I don't think him taking Anakin away from his mother and sisters is going to be whats best for him. All I was asking was for him to take him a little more, maybe once in awhile during the week, so Anakin doesn't miss him so much. Now he has taken it as I cant handle him at all and he thinks all I do is yell at him!

I cant deal with this! This has all been hard enough! I have felt like my heart has been ripped out by losing my husband, I can not handle losing my son too!

Last night Jade got invited to go somewhere with one of her friends tonight, since Starla was upset I took her to work with me today at Shannons shop. She loved it, she is already asking when she can go back with me. I think she enjoyed the time away from her brother and sisters more then anything. Stephen has strep throat, so unless he is feeling better Saturday night, I would guess it is just going to be me and my brats this weekend. Which kind of suck because I need a break! lol

I have decided I am going to straighten my hair back out. The perm is just not what I wanted. I am going to take a picture of it fixed and then one when it is brushed out so I can show everyone how funny it looks when its brushed out! Yes, it amuses me!

Thank you Christy for your comment. It means a lot to me to know other people believe in me that much, and think so much of me.

I kind of feel like I am in an endless circle that gets smaller every time I go around. On one side of the circle everything is fine, I am handling everything great and I am just waiting patiently to find out if my marriage is going to work out or end. On the other side of the circle is where I fall apart, its where I don't know how to handle what I am going through and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I hate this side of the circle, I hate when I break down and feel so bad. I want to be on the good side of the circle all the time, I want to be happy and enjoy my life, not dread going to bed every night and dread waking up the next morning.

I know going through this is necessary, and I would rather go through this then just give up on my marriage all together. In the end I will either be happy that we made it work, or I will be happy that we did our best and were just not meant to be together.

On a completely different note, Stephen picked the kids up from moms today so I could work longer. I got home to him spraying the hose up into the tree. When I asked what he was doing, he said he was trying to get the snake to fall out! Yup, that 2 snakes in less then a week! YUCK!

Jade now knows there is no tooth fairy. She went into my room this morning looking for something and found the last tooth she lost sitting on my shelf, I forgot to put it up. So I took out the little box full of all their teeth and I showed them to her and explained that mommy and daddy are the tooth fairy. She took it pretty well, she cried a bit, but not much. I was expecting her to question Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, but she didn't. I don't think it will take her to long to figure it out though, she is very smart. She giggled when I told her that was the reason it took so long for the tooth fairy to get her last tooth, because I kept forgetting!

Last Night

Shannon- Thank you so much for your comment. I have found strength lately that I didn't even know existed. I was starting to doubt that strength last night. It helps to know someone else knows its there too. Its really hard for me to admit how much I am struggling with everything going on, I don't like for anyone to see that, I have a really bad habit of just trying to show my strength and let everyone think I am doing just fine. Then since I have held everything in I just kind of "crash" every once in awhile. Stephen is doing what he can from where he is, he is taking Anakin for a couple days.

None of my kids hit the "terrible twos" when they were actually two, but Anakin is definitely there now! I am just at a complete loss with him, which makes me feel like a horrible mother! I know I am not, I guess I have just always had it to easy with my kids, they have always been pretty easy, and now that is biting me in the ass!

Library

I am so excited last friday the kids and I finally checked out the library in Alexandria. Carthage and Gordonsville both have one, but Carthage is to far, and the librarian in Gordonsville doesnt like Anakin being wild, which he is NEVER good in a library cuase I have to fight him to keep him away from the PC's, but she always gave me dirty looks, plus they have not night book drop so I was getting all kinds of fees cuase they are not open on sat and close at 4p.m everyday, so we quit going. The lady at the Alexandria one was SO sweet! She helped the girls find a book from thier school list, she thought Anakin was the cutest terror she had ever seen, OK I added the terror part, she said little boy! lol He even fell and scraped his knee, and she proudly told him he was the 1st to get to use thier new 1st aid kit! lol I was just really impressed with how friendly she was! Jade got a 5th grade reading list and Starla got a 3rd grade reading list in thier reposrt card, so I made a deal with them that if they read every book on the list over the summer they will get $25 each at the end of summer! It is a long list, so I dont expect them to read everyone of them, I will base it on thier effort, I am just not telling them that part...hehe

39 Days

It has been 39 days that I have been a single mom of 4 kids. I think I have handled it all very well up until tonight. I have been doing my best to be strong for my kids and I have been doing my best to hold myself together for them. It all came undone tonight. I don't think I can do this anymore. I love my kids with all of my heart but I do not think I can handle the 4 of them on my own. Part of me just wants to run away and never look back. Anakin and Piper do not listen at all anymore, Jade and Starla fight constantly. Yes, they did do this stuff before, but I had help handling them, it wasn't all me all the time. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to take care of the kids, the house, myself, and keep everyone happy. What do I do? How do I get through this and raise my kids right? I am so exhausted, I haven't been sleeping well, I am sick to my stomach most of the time. What do I do?

Its 12:00 Sunday night and Mom and Jeannie just left. They came over to perm my hair for me. I am not sure what I think of it. I really liked it when it was wet, but now as it is drying, I am not sure. It makes me think of a poodle! Hopefully once I can wash it it will relax some. I have been wanting like a scrunchy perm for the last couple years, I was just to afraid to do it. So with any luck, I wont regret doing it. We did mess up on my bangs though. We should have left them out of the curlers. I don't like my bangs at all. Mom, Jeannie, Jade, Starla, and Piper all love how it came out. They were all very tickled with it, so hopefully when I decide if I like it, I will be as excited as they were. Mom finally talked me into cutting her hair for her. Hers came out really good! I surprised myself! She wanted it like how I did Pipers.

I have probably another 30 min to an hour before I can lay down, since the back of my hair is still pretty damp. I am actually not sleepy, I have had a lot on my mind today. Which probably explains the rash decision to perm my hair tonight! I didn't sleep much last night, so you would think I would be exhausted and ready to pass out. Unfortunately for me, I have a lot of trouble winding down when I have a lot on my mind.


I just found this online about perms, so hopefully mine will be OK:
Also keep in mind, a perm takes 28 hours to settle. Give it some time before you get too worried about the end result.

Stephen stayed the weekend here, to give his parents a break from the kids being there every weekend. It was nice to have him here for a couple of days. Friday and Saturday went pretty good I think. But Saturday night a friend of his called him at 2 a.m, and kept us up until close to 4 a.m. I think it was close to 5 before I fell asleep, then Anakin woke up crying around 7, I finally dragged myself out of bed around 8 because he wouldn't quit. Stephen left around 2 this afternoon. So now its just me and the kids again. It was harder watching him leave then I though it would be. He has been gone 30 min and I am still fighting the tears. It is worth it thought o have the couple of days with him, I just didn't expect it to tear me up so much. The kids are in their rooms reading and coloring. I have nothing to do. I couldn't concentrate on my book even if I wanted to. I just feel so lost right now. The hardest part of all of this is the waiting, but it is necessary. I understand what he is going through, and I am willing to wait and give him the time he needs.

Stephen had to kill a snake in the front yard Saturday. Jade was riding her bike and screamed there was a dead snake by the tree. I went to go look and it moved! I have pictures and will put it on here once I upload them.
It stormed pretty bad here last night. My phone is out, but the dsl is working, so I don't know what the crap is going on. I don't know if its from eh storm or not.