I talked to Stephen tonight for quite awhile, and there are some things I have been thinking about the last couple of days. I have come to realize our marriage did not come to this because he had feelings for someone else. We both let our marriage go. The last couple months before we separated I spent alot of time in my bedroom reading or watching tv. When Stephen would ask if I wanted to do something I would say he could play his game, I was gonna go read. I wasn't spending any time with him. I need everyone to know he is not a bad guy, he did not cheat on me and I don't want him treated like he did me wrong, because I did him just as wrong. We have talked alot and we still want to be friends. I do still care about him and always will because he is the father of my children and I have spent 10 good years with him. I also think the reason I didn't want the divorce before was because I got scared about being alone. I don't do good with change and being on my own with 4 kids, not having my husband around is alot of change to deal with at one time. He is going to be in my life for the rest of my life because we share four beautiful children together, I do not want to hate him and be mad at him all the time, I just can not do that, its not me.

I honestly do want the divorce and I do feel its whats best. I am ready to move on and find someone who has more of my interests in common. I have never dated, so I am a little scared about that part, but I am also looking forward to it. I am still a little scared about being on my own, but I need to be. I have to stand on my own.

I am going to unblock my blog tonight, Stephen and I talked about it, he said he enjoyed reading it so he could know how the kids and I are doing, and he is not going to take the kids away. That's not what he was doing before, he just wanted to help.