Hardest Thing

Since April of 2008, I have faced so many things that I had hoped I would never have to experience. I have fallen apart and pulled myself together and even faked being ok so many times now that I am really surprised sometimes that I still find the strength to move forward. I have definitely seen my strength come through and I definitely believe in myself and my abilities more then I ever have on my life. I thought with absolute certainty that the worst was over, that I wouldn't have to face anymore life changing heartache or any more situations that would tear my heart apart again. I was wrong. In a matter of weeks, when I move to murfreesboro, The girls will go with me and transfer school to Murfreesboro, Stephen and I decided together that this is best, but I have to leave my son behind. I know I will get to see him on weekends and he will be with his dad, and I know how much they love each other and how well he will be cared for, and that does bring a little comfort. At the same time though, I know this will be the hardest thing I have ever faced, the past year and a half are going to seem like they were nothing compared to this. I am doing this for Anakin, because his happiness means more to me then my own ever will. He absolutely LOVES headstart and is doing so great, he has even been calmer at home. His teacher tells me all the time what an awesome kid I have! I am SO proud of him! There is no way for him to live with me and go to headstart, so I am going to let him live with his dad during school. It breaks my heart at the thought of not having him with me. He is my last baby, the last child I will ever have and get to watch go through firsts. He is my only son, my only experience at seeing and watching the miraculous development and growing up of a little boy.

It has come to the point where moving is my only option, I can not make it out here. While the cost of living here is nothing compared to Murfreesboro, you have to have a good enough job out here to compensate for the gas cost to get around because in most cases a decent store is at least 20 minutes away. Stephens house is actually in a perfect location, its only 20 minutes to Lebanon, to walmart in Carthage, only 40 minutes from Murfreesboro, even though it is a bit out there it seems to be in the center of everything. If I could have afforded to keep the house, I think I would have made it up here because I would have been closer to my family, I would have been able to do the LPN classes in Murfreesboro with no problem but I could not keep it. I would have lost it when I got laid off then my kids wouldn't have even had a permanent home on either side. I have to do this to get my life on track and to be able to give my kids the life they deserve.

So I am going to be as strong as I can for them, and I am going to hope with all my heart that Anakin can understand that I am doing this for him and that his mommy is not abandoning him in anyway.

I posted it on facebook and myspace but I haven't had a chance to tell the world! lol Anakins teacher text me one day last week and said they do a Brigance screening within the first 45 days of school. Anakin scored the HIGHEST in his class! She said he did AWESOME! He scored a 92 out of a possible 100! I am SO proud of him!!

"The First Cut Is The Deepest"

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I have
But if you want I'll try to love again

Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...

The first cut is the deepest

Baby I knowThe first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, he's worst...

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure gonna give you a try
If you want I'll try to love again, (try)
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...

OOHHH,The first cut is the deepest
Baby I knowThe first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
But when it comes to lovin' me, he's worst...

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
But I'm sure gonna give you a try
Cuz if you want I'll try to love again(Try to love again, try to love again)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know,
OOHHH....The first cut is the deepest
Baby I knowThe first cut is the deepest
When it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, he's worst

OOHHH, the first cut is the deepest
Baby I know (baby I know)
The first cut is the deepest
Try to love again...

Homeless

Things have once again turned upside down on me. Anakin had the flu last week so i missed a couple days of work, i called them tuesday to let them know id be back wednesday, the lady from the temp service called me back tuesday afternoon and said famous footware is shutting down next week, they dont want me to come back until the 5th. Well this REALLY screwed up my plans becuase i was suposed to move in to the apartment in murfreesboro this weekend, but the rent is weekly and going two weeks with no paycheck meant no way to pay the rent. So Stephen said during the week he would go stay at his parents and the kids and i could stay in his place until i get a paycheck. Which is not the perfect solution but the only option. I am going to do spring cleaning of sorts for him to pay my way for being there.
I realized last nite, i am actually homeless. I was laying on moms bed exhausted from moving all my stuff into storage, wishing i could just go home, shower, get into clean dry warm clothes(as i had spent most of the day soakedfrom rain) and sit down and relax with a book or something. Thats when it hit me, i have no home to go to. It is a very hard emmotional hit to take and very depressing. At that moment, i wanted nothing more then to just give up and fall of the face of the earth. I just want to cry, for the next 3 weeks I am homeless, i know it could be worse, i could have nowhere to go and actually be on the street, but i am blessed enough to have an ex-husband that doesnt hate me and still cares enoughto help make sure not only the kids are ok but that I too am ok. I am very thankful for that.

hello

I know it has been awhile since my last post. I have been crazy busy! I haven't had time to update. The kids and I should be moving to Murfreesboro this weekend. We are moving into a VERY small apartment, but I can make it work. The will still go to school here and I will work in Lebanon, even though I will find a second job down there for weekends the kids are not home. Its actually 10 minutes shorter to go from the apartments to my uncles in Brush Creek then it is from Defeated to his house< but this way I get to be near family. Next September I am going to go to the TN Technology Center down there for LPN classes. As of right now the plan is for the kids to stay with Stephen for that year< but I am already struggling with the idea so my brain is working overtime trying to figure out how to go to school, work and keep my kids with me.

Anakin has the flu right now, which has me out of work until he is better. Which completely does not help my situation at all! The girls are all good. We just celebrated Jade's 11th birthday on the 15th!! She is also a cheerleader this year! I don't think I have mentioned that! I cant wait until games start and I get to go watch her cheer! The best thing about it is that she HAS to keep her grade up or the principle pulls them out! They got report cards today and Ms. Woodard called all the girls in to check their averages! Starla is doing great in school and loving it! There is not much to update on her...I feel bad about that!

Piper gets her own little paragraph this time because the last couple of days have been big for her. She lost her very first tooth! (Which reminds me...hold on...I gotta go let her put it under her pillow!) Ok, im back now...lol. So her very first visit from the tooth fairy will be tonite, as long as I don't forget! lol. The other major thing happened last Friday. Every week the girls ride bus 23 to my uncles house Monday through Thursday, I am always there before the bus. On Fridays they ride bus 27 to their dads house, but this past Friday I got a call from Stephen saying Piper did not get off the bus. I was already in Smyrna at that time, and honestly I wasn't that upset, I figured she had gotten on bus 23 and all he had to do was go to my uncles and get her. So he said he was going to call the school, I said I would call Uncle Joe. When he called me back he said the school had no idea which bus Piper got on. Still, at this point I was still pretty calm. I told him I was calling transportation because they could make sure Piper was on bus 23. It took the guy at transportation 10 minutes or more to reach the bus river. I could hear the radio in the background, when I heard the bus driver come back and say "Piper White is not on my bus", that's when I lost it. I almost went off the road, I couldn't breathe, I swear my heart stopped! By this point I was almost at my sisters in Lavergne, I felt so helpless and was way to upset to drive back! I couldn't do anything but wait! Almost 10 minutes later the driver of bus 23 came back and said "I have Piper, she didn't answer when I called her name before". I was SO pissed! Shes 5 years old and terrified of that bus driver because he yelled at her for eating on the bus one day. He should have pulled the bus OVER and looked for her! Of course a 5 year old hears their name yelled across a bus, they are gonna think they are in trouble and not answer! Does common sense not tell you that? The driver took her back to Uncle Joes and Stephen got her there, She was a little upset but ok. I on the other hand, it took me at least a good hour to stop crying and longer to calm down completely! I felt like I was going to be sick, and truth be told(maybe TMI) I did dry heave a couple of time, but I hadn't ate nothing that day so there was nothing to come up! I DONT ever want to feel that again! I hope no parent does!