Hardest Thing

Since April of 2008, I have faced so many things that I had hoped I would never have to experience. I have fallen apart and pulled myself together and even faked being ok so many times now that I am really surprised sometimes that I still find the strength to move forward. I have definitely seen my strength come through and I definitely believe in myself and my abilities more then I ever have on my life. I thought with absolute certainty that the worst was over, that I wouldn't have to face anymore life changing heartache or any more situations that would tear my heart apart again. I was wrong. In a matter of weeks, when I move to murfreesboro, The girls will go with me and transfer school to Murfreesboro, Stephen and I decided together that this is best, but I have to leave my son behind. I know I will get to see him on weekends and he will be with his dad, and I know how much they love each other and how well he will be cared for, and that does bring a little comfort. At the same time though, I know this will be the hardest thing I have ever faced, the past year and a half are going to seem like they were nothing compared to this. I am doing this for Anakin, because his happiness means more to me then my own ever will. He absolutely LOVES headstart and is doing so great, he has even been calmer at home. His teacher tells me all the time what an awesome kid I have! I am SO proud of him! There is no way for him to live with me and go to headstart, so I am going to let him live with his dad during school. It breaks my heart at the thought of not having him with me. He is my last baby, the last child I will ever have and get to watch go through firsts. He is my only son, my only experience at seeing and watching the miraculous development and growing up of a little boy.

It has come to the point where moving is my only option, I can not make it out here. While the cost of living here is nothing compared to Murfreesboro, you have to have a good enough job out here to compensate for the gas cost to get around because in most cases a decent store is at least 20 minutes away. Stephens house is actually in a perfect location, its only 20 minutes to Lebanon, to walmart in Carthage, only 40 minutes from Murfreesboro, even though it is a bit out there it seems to be in the center of everything. If I could have afforded to keep the house, I think I would have made it up here because I would have been closer to my family, I would have been able to do the LPN classes in Murfreesboro with no problem but I could not keep it. I would have lost it when I got laid off then my kids wouldn't have even had a permanent home on either side. I have to do this to get my life on track and to be able to give my kids the life they deserve.

So I am going to be as strong as I can for them, and I am going to hope with all my heart that Anakin can understand that I am doing this for him and that his mommy is not abandoning him in anyway.

I posted it on facebook and myspace but I haven't had a chance to tell the world! lol Anakins teacher text me one day last week and said they do a Brigance screening within the first 45 days of school. Anakin scored the HIGHEST in his class! She said he did AWESOME! He scored a 92 out of a possible 100! I am SO proud of him!!