Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Dont Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out,
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
it seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up,
when he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the light when you're hardest hit.
Its whenthings seem worse, that you must not quit.


This is from a picture frame my cousin gave me tonight. It made me cry to read it, i actually had trouble reading after the first paragraph.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Joy, sadness, longing, confusion, regrets, happiness, lonliness, peace & more

Well there is so much to say, as always i am sending this from my phone so its hard to type, i will write as much as i can before my fingers give out.

Joy: Tonight Jeannie found one of our brothers!! I am thrilled!! I really hope he answers us, i am not sure he will. I haven't seen him since i was in the 6th grade!

Sadness: On Tuesday when the girls go to Stephens for Thanksgiving, Starla will be moving in with him ans Anakin. Its tearing my hear out to not have another of my children with me but she is a daddys girl thru & thru and even tho she loves me just as much she NEEDS her daddy. So i am putting aside what is best for me to allow my child the happiness she most definitely deserves!

longing: I don't cry as much, but i still miss Anakin more than words can describe.

confusion: i can not figure out how someone who once loved you with every fiber of their being can be so cold & hurtful. I usually avoid posting about issues with Stephen & i but this time i really need to. I just can not understand why he can get so angry at me for the littlest things & yell & say the awfulest thing so full of anger. I know we fight & we don't always see eye to eye but what have i done to deserve that? Today he looked me strait in the eyes and said "get out of my house", we had gotten in a fight because i made the mistake of not knocking on his bedroom door when he was in there talking to Starla, i have only seen that amount of anger in his eyes one other time, it made me wonder why i deserved that kind of hatred then as it did today. It honestly feels at times that he wants me to hate him, i cant figure out any other reasoning for this. It hurts to have the father of your children look at you like he despises you more than anything in the world. It makes me wonder why i am still making decisions to not do something that would make me happy because i know how much it would hurt him.

Regrets: its impossible to say i regret getting married so young & having kids so young because i DONT. What i regret is the choice to give up and not fight for my marriage anymore, i regret that my 4 children have to suffer for this, i regret that my children cant be raised by BOTH their parents in a home together. There is one more regret that has nothing to do with my kids, family or my ex-husband but it has to do with a friend that is very close to my heart, this one i cant explain on here, but it has been on my mind alot lately.

happiness: though i miss my son so much it hurts, & i still have times where i miss my old life and my dreams that were thrown away, i have found an amazing support system in my friends ans family. i have realized i have so many family and friends that love me as much as i love them. i realized that when i felt like i was alone & no one cared it was because i shut them out not because they turned their backs on me. since i have realized this i have truely been happy.

loneliness: this is still a struggle. i think that's because i was so used to having someone there plus i had never been alone. but i am getting better and i am in no hurry to have someone in my life full time that will require my attention when my kids are home. yes i would like to have a boyfriend eventually, someone to turn to when im sad, someone to call when I'm excited, someone that thinks of me first for these same things, someone to hang out with & snuggle up to but i am content with dating right now & not having that responsibility of configuring my schedule to fit someone else in.

Peace: i have spent alot of time thinking the last week or so and i finally processed so much that i have had an overwhelming sense of peace in my mind & heart. I have really thought alot about WHO i am because i was told one day "next time you wonder why the world always seems against you stop and look in the mirror. maybe you will get your answer". That has stuck with me since that day & it really made me think maybe i am not who i thought i was, it hurt so much and it hurt more by who it came from but i have realized they were WRONG! I know who i am, i KNOW i am a good person, so here is who i am:


i am a mother, a daughter, a sister,
a cousin, a niece, an aunt, a granddaughter,
a friend, a best friend, a caregiver,
a chauffeur, a chef, a house keeper,
a provider, a teacher, a listener,
a talker, a problem solver, a role model,
a procrastinator, a child, a romantic,
a giggler, a lover, a companion, an ex-wife,
a hugger, a thinker, an honest heart,
a survivor, a fighter, a referee,
a decision maker, an observer.

I am the girl that:
despite everything still believes in fairytales,
doesn't give up, gets tickled over the little things,
can get wired off a pot of coffee,
likes to be silly, would do anything for anyone,
doesn't let the hard times keep me down,
doesn't take my life for granted,
doesn't lie cheat or steal, loves to smile,
believes in LOVE,
will sing at the top of my lungs when no one can hear me,
believes everything happens for a reason,
has really strong morals, loves traditions,
loves to get dressed up, has some regrets,
finds joy in the simple things in life,
will not give a second thought to my children making a mess if it makes them happy,
can sit all day with a book in my hands,
has to have a pack of gum with me at all times,
will drop what i am doing & go if a friend or family member needs me,
has Winnie the pooh hanging from my rear view mirror,
can switch moods in a matter of seconds,
loves my children with ALL of my heart,
and most of all believes in herself!

I know who i am! I LOVE who i am! and i will no longer apologize for who and what i am.


more: there was a few odds & ends i was going to mention but i am tired and need to get to bed! nite!

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Happy Birthday Starla & more!

Today is Starlas 10th birthday! Seriously where does the time go?? It seems like just the other day that i was laying in a hospital room waiting to have her. I am so excited for her today, she has been anxiously awaiting 10 to come! I am a little sad at the good memories it brings out, of a time where I had my happly ever after, of having a husband & a happy family, going from one child to two putting me even closer to my dream of having atleast 4 children, but i am trying to ignore those thoughts today and concentrate on how happy my baby girl is. I havent seen her yet, she is at her dads until this afternoon.

This weekend has been amazing! With few "down" moments. I planned a busy weekend so that i would not think about the fact i have not seen Anakin since last friday. It worked for the most part, i would find myself staring at my phone from time to time tho since his picture is on my background. Friday afternoon, Stephen picked up the girls for me because my friends Chelsie & John had thier little boy, so i went strait to the hospital from work. Hes adorable! His name is James Colten, he was born November 6th at 2:05 p.m, he weighed 7lbs 13oz & was 20 1/2 inches long! I am so happy for them! This is their 1st baby & they are so proud! I had had plans with Daniel for saturday but on my way home from the hospital he text and said he ended up having to work saturday night, so he wanted to know if i would come down friday nite & stay, then have lunch with him saturday. So thats what i did, i met him at his job when he got off. I got a kick out of the fact hes a manger at Publix, yet stopped at Kroger on the way home for groceries! Lol! When we got to his place I was wondering around looking at stuff(I had never been there), when i started looking through his movie collection, i got the biggest shock ever! sitting there on the top shelf he had "the many adventures of winnie the pooh!" I never expected to see that! He also had quite a few other movies that are favorites of mine! We had a good time hanging out & we watched GIJoe, which was a pretty good movie. Saturday morning, i found out something i didnt know.....Daniel is not a coffee drinker! He doent even own a coffee pot! I had a coke instead. We never did make it out to lunch, i couldnt get motivated! Lol i blame the lack of coffee for that! I left about 12:30 cuase he had to head to work. I realized how close i was to Tanyas, so i called to see if she was home. I hadnt seen her since June so being that close to her area, i wasnt going home until i found her! When she didnt answer her house phone or her cell, i decided to be her stalker & hunt her down! Lol facebook made this WAY to easy!! She was at the soccer field, i had only been there once so i decided to give it a try& see if i could remember how to get there. I got all the way to right before the last turn that i couldnt remember when she called me back! So i sat and watched Dieon play soccer with her, when it was over i followed her back & hung out at her house for awhile until it was time for them to go to Dieons soccer party. I came home & picked up the mess i made friday in a rush to go meet Daniel, sat & read for a bit then Tanya came over to see my apartment! We had a blast hanging out! My brother came over & hung out with us. It was so nice to sit & talk & be silly with them. This morning i have just kinda been lazy, i need to get motivated and go get Starlas birthday present.

What you've missed since last update: i moved to murfreesboro a couple weeks ago! I miss my son so much everyday but i have done so much better emotionally down here! The girls really like thier new school, even though Jade is still adjusting to the size of it. They have wonderful teachers who understand what they have been through and are doing their best to help them cope. Starla joined a support group for divorced kids, she seems to really like it. She did come home one day & tell me she was really lucky cuase her dad & i dont fight alot, there was one kid in the group talking about how their parents smashed things when they fought. I couldnt imagine letting my child witness that. I felt horrible one day when Stephen & i were arguing on the phone & i didnt know until later that the girls could hear me in the front room, i was very proud of Jade though because she took Piper over to moms so she wouldnt hear me, Starla was already over there. I wanted to cry when i found out they could hear me & they knew i was talking to their dad, i try my best to shield them from our arguments.
I am looking for a 2nd job, financially things are way to tight, so hopefully i will find one soon.

Well, my fingers are starting to cramp lol so ill update more later!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Everything

I have a huge update to do, but i know better than to do an update when i am tired, cranky, lost, and emmotionally drained. So this post is just to say there will be an update soon.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

2/2

Glad i have him n class. I am blessed!

1/2

Fwd:
From: Meredith B
No not bias he really is amazing. There is just something about Anakin. He is a very special child.
Fwd:
From: Me
Awe! Thats so sweet! Thank you for telling me that! He is an amazing little guy! I know im a little bias lol
Fwd:
From: Meredith B
I told SOPHIE that i knew Anakin and i would b close. He stole my heart the moment i seen him

2/2

we have really bonded and u know when we did home visit as we drove away

1/2

Fwd:
From: Meredith B
Sent: Oct 20,2009 9:22 pm
Oh yes i am waiting 4 him. Really i miss him a lot. He is my buddy and

1/2

From: Me
Awe, i will tell him! He was SO excited today when he thought he was going back tomorow! He told me you are

2/2

waiting for him!
Fwd:
From: Meredith B
Sent: Oct 20,2009 9:19 pm
a lot of kids r sick. Hate it. Tell him i love & REALLY MISS HIM.

Little posts

i am going to forward some texts from Anakins head start teacher, i want to keep them to show him when he gets older, sothere will be a bunch of little posts until i can get to a pc to combine them. Just sending this so everyone dontthink ive gone crazy lol

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Hardest Thing

Since April of 2008, I have faced so many things that I had hoped I would never have to experience. I have fallen apart and pulled myself together and even faked being ok so many times now that I am really surprised sometimes that I still find the strength to move forward. I have definitely seen my strength come through and I definitely believe in myself and my abilities more then I ever have on my life. I thought with absolute certainty that the worst was over, that I wouldn't have to face anymore life changing heartache or any more situations that would tear my heart apart again. I was wrong. In a matter of weeks, when I move to murfreesboro, The girls will go with me and transfer school to Murfreesboro, Stephen and I decided together that this is best, but I have to leave my son behind. I know I will get to see him on weekends and he will be with his dad, and I know how much they love each other and how well he will be cared for, and that does bring a little comfort. At the same time though, I know this will be the hardest thing I have ever faced, the past year and a half are going to seem like they were nothing compared to this. I am doing this for Anakin, because his happiness means more to me then my own ever will. He absolutely LOVES headstart and is doing so great, he has even been calmer at home. His teacher tells me all the time what an awesome kid I have! I am SO proud of him! There is no way for him to live with me and go to headstart, so I am going to let him live with his dad during school. It breaks my heart at the thought of not having him with me. He is my last baby, the last child I will ever have and get to watch go through firsts. He is my only son, my only experience at seeing and watching the miraculous development and growing up of a little boy.

It has come to the point where moving is my only option, I can not make it out here. While the cost of living here is nothing compared to Murfreesboro, you have to have a good enough job out here to compensate for the gas cost to get around because in most cases a decent store is at least 20 minutes away. Stephens house is actually in a perfect location, its only 20 minutes to Lebanon, to walmart in Carthage, only 40 minutes from Murfreesboro, even though it is a bit out there it seems to be in the center of everything. If I could have afforded to keep the house, I think I would have made it up here because I would have been closer to my family, I would have been able to do the LPN classes in Murfreesboro with no problem but I could not keep it. I would have lost it when I got laid off then my kids wouldn't have even had a permanent home on either side. I have to do this to get my life on track and to be able to give my kids the life they deserve.

So I am going to be as strong as I can for them, and I am going to hope with all my heart that Anakin can understand that I am doing this for him and that his mommy is not abandoning him in anyway.

I posted it on facebook and myspace but I haven't had a chance to tell the world! lol Anakins teacher text me one day last week and said they do a Brigance screening within the first 45 days of school. Anakin scored the HIGHEST in his class! She said he did AWESOME! He scored a 92 out of a possible 100! I am SO proud of him!!

Monday, September 28, 2009

"The First Cut Is The Deepest"

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I have
But if you want I'll try to love again

Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...

The first cut is the deepest

Baby I knowThe first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, he's worst...

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure gonna give you a try
If you want I'll try to love again, (try)
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...

OOHHH,The first cut is the deepest
Baby I knowThe first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
But when it comes to lovin' me, he's worst...

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
But I'm sure gonna give you a try
Cuz if you want I'll try to love again(Try to love again, try to love again)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know,
OOHHH....The first cut is the deepest
Baby I knowThe first cut is the deepest
When it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, he's worst

OOHHH, the first cut is the deepest
Baby I know (baby I know)
The first cut is the deepest
Try to love again...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Homeless

Things have once again turned upside down on me. Anakin had the flu last week so i missed a couple days of work, i called them tuesday to let them know id be back wednesday, the lady from the temp service called me back tuesday afternoon and said famous footware is shutting down next week, they dont want me to come back until the 5th. Well this REALLY screwed up my plans becuase i was suposed to move in to the apartment in murfreesboro this weekend, but the rent is weekly and going two weeks with no paycheck meant no way to pay the rent. So Stephen said during the week he would go stay at his parents and the kids and i could stay in his place until i get a paycheck. Which is not the perfect solution but the only option. I am going to do spring cleaning of sorts for him to pay my way for being there.
I realized last nite, i am actually homeless. I was laying on moms bed exhausted from moving all my stuff into storage, wishing i could just go home, shower, get into clean dry warm clothes(as i had spent most of the day soakedfrom rain) and sit down and relax with a book or something. Thats when it hit me, i have no home to go to. It is a very hard emmotional hit to take and very depressing. At that moment, i wanted nothing more then to just give up and fall of the face of the earth. I just want to cry, for the next 3 weeks I am homeless, i know it could be worse, i could have nowhere to go and actually be on the street, but i am blessed enough to have an ex-husband that doesnt hate me and still cares enoughto help make sure not only the kids are ok but that I too am ok. I am very thankful for that.

Monday, September 21, 2009

hello

I know it has been awhile since my last post. I have been crazy busy! I haven't had time to update. The kids and I should be moving to Murfreesboro this weekend. We are moving into a VERY small apartment, but I can make it work. The will still go to school here and I will work in Lebanon, even though I will find a second job down there for weekends the kids are not home. Its actually 10 minutes shorter to go from the apartments to my uncles in Brush Creek then it is from Defeated to his house< but this way I get to be near family. Next September I am going to go to the TN Technology Center down there for LPN classes. As of right now the plan is for the kids to stay with Stephen for that year< but I am already struggling with the idea so my brain is working overtime trying to figure out how to go to school, work and keep my kids with me.

Anakin has the flu right now, which has me out of work until he is better. Which completely does not help my situation at all! The girls are all good. We just celebrated Jade's 11th birthday on the 15th!! She is also a cheerleader this year! I don't think I have mentioned that! I cant wait until games start and I get to go watch her cheer! The best thing about it is that she HAS to keep her grade up or the principle pulls them out! They got report cards today and Ms. Woodard called all the girls in to check their averages! Starla is doing great in school and loving it! There is not much to update on her...I feel bad about that!

Piper gets her own little paragraph this time because the last couple of days have been big for her. She lost her very first tooth! (Which reminds me...hold on...I gotta go let her put it under her pillow!) Ok, im back now...lol. So her very first visit from the tooth fairy will be tonite, as long as I don't forget! lol. The other major thing happened last Friday. Every week the girls ride bus 23 to my uncles house Monday through Thursday, I am always there before the bus. On Fridays they ride bus 27 to their dads house, but this past Friday I got a call from Stephen saying Piper did not get off the bus. I was already in Smyrna at that time, and honestly I wasn't that upset, I figured she had gotten on bus 23 and all he had to do was go to my uncles and get her. So he said he was going to call the school, I said I would call Uncle Joe. When he called me back he said the school had no idea which bus Piper got on. Still, at this point I was still pretty calm. I told him I was calling transportation because they could make sure Piper was on bus 23. It took the guy at transportation 10 minutes or more to reach the bus river. I could hear the radio in the background, when I heard the bus driver come back and say "Piper White is not on my bus", that's when I lost it. I almost went off the road, I couldn't breathe, I swear my heart stopped! By this point I was almost at my sisters in Lavergne, I felt so helpless and was way to upset to drive back! I couldn't do anything but wait! Almost 10 minutes later the driver of bus 23 came back and said "I have Piper, she didn't answer when I called her name before". I was SO pissed! Shes 5 years old and terrified of that bus driver because he yelled at her for eating on the bus one day. He should have pulled the bus OVER and looked for her! Of course a 5 year old hears their name yelled across a bus, they are gonna think they are in trouble and not answer! Does common sense not tell you that? The driver took her back to Uncle Joes and Stephen got her there, She was a little upset but ok. I on the other hand, it took me at least a good hour to stop crying and longer to calm down completely! I felt like I was going to be sick, and truth be told(maybe TMI) I did dry heave a couple of time, but I hadn't ate nothing that day so there was nothing to come up! I DONT ever want to feel that again! I hope no parent does!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Big changes headed my way

After alot of very careful thought and with knowing the heartache it will cause me to do it, i may be doing something throughout next year that will be the hardest thing i have ever faced in my life. I know this is really vague but i do not want to post the details until i know for sure what will and will not happen. If I can make this happen and be strong enough to get through it, it will give my kids and I alot better future then we are looking at right now. I am willing to make this sacrifice for them and thier well being. Even though i dont think he will ever know how thankful i am, i am truely thankful to Stephen for the support, understanding, and help he has given me. I know this might sound crazy but i couldnt have a better ex-husband. I know we fight and have our ups and downs but i believe he really does care about my well being he didnt stop caring just because we are not married anymore and i am eternally grateful for that.
I will update with more info when i know more about what is going to happen.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Ok when i re-read that last post i realized it sounded as if i am very down and depressed. That is not the case at all. Aside from worrying over financial matters i am very content with my life. There is just that nagging feeling every once in awhile that something is missing.

Broken heart

I think a broken heart is one of the most painfully emotional things a person can ever experience. It can have such long lasting effects that you may not even realize are there. I believe we each have our own way of dealing with this, our own way of moving on and learning from it. But when you are so skeptical and have trouble believing anyone could ever truely love you, you fight against it so hard because you are so afraid of getting hurt. The first time Stephen told me he loved me, i told him not to say that, that he couldnt mean it. I wanted to believe him so bad but i just couldnt i really couldnt believe someone like him could actually love me and want to be with me. It took me a long time to find the trust and faith that he meant it. When we got married i thought i was so lucky to have someone who loved me that much that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. At the same time i was terrified all through our marriage that he would change his mind. Now that it has happened, he has changed his mind and decided im not worth spending the rest of his life with, I am thrown back into my original fear. Will there ever be anyone that can love me like that? Will i beable to find that trust and faith again? I have been thinking alot about this today because i realized i have had atleast 3 different chances, 3 different guys that i could have atleast seen what would have happened with but i couldnt. One of them i couldnt open up to, i felt something from the very beginning and i was so scared the feelings wouldnt be returned that i just shut down. He told me so much, from what he said more then he had told anyone ever before about his life and how he feels about stuff, i just couldnt do the same. I was so afraid of getting hurt again i just couldnt do it. We have a very unique friendship now that i would not trade for anything in the world but that thought will always be there, what if i could have opened up? What if i could have found that faith and trust again? The second chance i can not explain what hap

pened. Im really not sure what happened there. The third and most recent, well im not sure if the chance is still there or not. I had a great time with him the weekend we spent together but i pulled away after that. He reminded me of Stephen in so many aspects i was so afriad he would hurt me the same way. I know thats not a fair assumption but what i felt from Stephen and i spliting up through the divorce and the months after, i am not sure i could handle feeling that again. How do you let go of the fear? I am going to be alone forever becuase i was hurt so bad that i am scared to death of chancing that again. I would rather be alone forever then feel that way again. Is this just me? Am i completly phycotic? Why can i not just have the trust and faith that there is someone out there that will love me for who i am and not betray me and rip my heart out? I know im rambiling, i am trying to work the out in my head. Its such a mess in there lol. I dont want to be alone, i want to have someone, i miss having someone. I just dont know how.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Few more things

I had to stop writing earlier so i could get supper made.

anakin had his first day of headstart today. he loved it! he was SO excited about riding the bus! Lol. His teacher gave me her cell phone number and said to text or call anytime, so i text her this evening to see how he did. She siad he didnt care for nap time but he did great!

Jade wants to be a cheerleader. I am hoping this will nake her try harder because the school makes them keep atleast an 80 average to be a cheerleader.

Starla wants to be in band, she has chosen the flute. I can rent an instrument for 3 months to make sure she will stick with it. (oh yeah, Stephen i meant to ask if you can split that with me also).

Piper is loving kindergarten, she read me her first book tonight. it was called "Am I" it had a picture of the animal over the word. Lol

i really like my job although i am exhausted most the time. I am looking forward to the day that my body gets used to walking around on a concrete floor for 8 hours a day! oh for the first time in my life I met another Ellen! I actually have to add my last initial to things so they know its me! I have never met another Ellen so it tickles me! lol

i used my upgrade on sprint to get a new phone without it costing me anything. i am still getting used to it but i dont do t9 typing anymore cause this one has a keyboard. so there shouldnt be anymore wrong words lol. now misspellings might be worse cause i cant spell. lol

my uncle joe is putting the girls on the bus in the morning and taking Anakin to the headstart bus and picking him up in the afternoon. They have loved seeing him! Piper said she needs to read him her story in the morning! Lol If someone would have told me growing up Uncle Joe would one day be watching my kids i would have thought they were crazy! Lol He was kinda grumpy all the time when we were little, it really tickles me to talk to him now, he is the complete opposite!

Justin watched Anakin monday, Anakin was so excited. Justin said when he came out of his room Anakin ran to him and hugged him and said "your watching me today!" lol

well i think thats all this time. Lol i need to go beat some butts (well threaten to first, but if that dont work then i will) of children that are talking instead of going to sleep.

Amazing weekend

i had an amazing weekend last weekend. i went to school and had lunch with my girls on friday, they were so surpriced and excited to see me there! Pipers class did the chicken dance for me! it was so cute! then i headed to murfreesboro and met up with some friends, then went and got my brother and cousin and ran arond murfreesboro until almost 12! i ran into meredith, i think she wasreally surpriced to see me there lol. missy had to go home but me and michael went to his friend jamies house. i slept maybe an hour then me and missy drove back to brush creek to get the kids. me, mom, missy and the girls spent the day looking around the mall. i finally found some tennis shoes at the last stop!

i was going to go to aunt shells sat night but didnt have the extra gas, so i went to shannons and played bunco. Sunday we met jeannie and evan at the park then went to her house for dinner. On the way home the girls asked me why dont we move back there. I told them i would think about it and talk to thier dad. I have thought about it alot since stephen and i split, but i didnt think i could take the kids that far from him but right now we are 40 minutes from him and even when we were closer he never dropped by to see them, he gets them by schedule only. I have realized i need to base decsions by what is best for me and my kids not on if it will hurt somones feelings especially since they dont care about mine anymore.
i was happy to move out here because it meant a house for me, stephen and our family but now i dont have stephen or the house, he and his girl friend are living in the house i picked, that i busted my butt on to make a home. That he didnt even want i had to talk him into getting it(yes, obviously there is some resentment about the house) and no reason to stay here.

i am not rushing a decision, i have done that to often in my life. i need to get on my feet and make sure i could afford to live there before i decide to move back.

stephen- if you read this, none of it was meant to make you mad. im just being honest about how i feel.

Monday, August 17, 2009

A little confused

I know, most of you are probably thinking confused is normal for me. Lol and usually it is, but this is different. I have someone that is very close to me, that says they are one of my best friends, but i have noticed a bit of a pattern that after talking it over with my best friend, Tanya, i have realized it is not in my head that it actually is odd. I can not figure out what thier deal is. Heres the thing, this person has alot of interest in whats going on in my life when it has to do with my kids, having a hard time, or a guy they know i cant be with but since stephen and I split this person seems to have no interest in knowing about any guy situation unless like i said its someone i cant be with. I know this may not make a lot of sense, i dont really know how to explain it like i want to. There was someone awhile back i was hoping something would develope with and they would change the subject any time i brought him up, at the time i thought it was just that specific person but it has happened again. If you tell someone that says they are your best friend that you met someone and spent the weekend with them, wouldnt you expect a reaction? questions or something? the response i got was ok and then they asked about my job. Do you see why i am confused here? what kind of best friend is not interested in something that would make you happy?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Typos

For my readers please excuse all the typos lately. I am still going through my phone on write on here so sometimes i spell a word wrong or since i use t9text sometimes i put in the wrong word. Like he instead of if or of instead of me, the last post had hey instead of they lol. Please bare with me until i get back online

The little things

Its kind of strange how small little meaningless things happen so often that you dont realize how comforting they are or how much they mean, like snuggling on the couch while watching a movie or laying in bed and having someone put thier arm around you and pull you closer just because they want to be touching you, having someone hold your hand just because they want to or look at you like hey couldnt be looking at anyone more beautiful in the world even if you dont feel like you are. These things are so little that most people take them fro granted and dont realize how special that is. When you dont have that you may not even realize you how much you do miss it, until it happens again. Then its like a slap in the face, its like something goes off and all you can think is i want this everyday again and I wont take it for granted this time.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Things are falling into place!

I started a new job friday! i am working at Famous Footwear distribution center in Lebanon. My hours are 6:30 to 3. Its through a temp service and only starts at 8.50 an hour but its a start. I like it there. They just give you your work and let you go! i can take my ipod to listen to while i work. Trina is going to watch the kids do the next two weeks then My uncle and aunt are gonna help with the kids, even with Anakin and headstart. I know i have had alot of back and forth, not sure how i felt bout somethings but i think all that came from me feeling so lost over not being able to support me and the kids on my own, i think it made me think i missed the way things used to be more then i actually do. Dont get me wrong a part of me will always miss that life and will always hate the fact i am not getting to raise my children with thier father. After spending 11 years with someone its hard to not miss them from time to time. There is a history there that no one else will ever have or know. I am very glad stephen and i had the time we did, i would not be who i am now he it wasnt for him, he made me realize i can do anything and that i should believe in myself and i am more thankful for that then he will ever know. I am glad that we are able to stay friends because we have been a huge part of each others lives. It is time for me to move on, whole heartedly this time, no more pretending im ok when i am not. I am honestly ok this time, i dealt with the feelings and regret and am happy with my decision that i am ok with my life. I will be ok and i am happy. Right now i am perfectly content with it being just me and my babies, i am in no hurry to jump in a relationship, after 11 years i want to be on my own happily for awhile. Im not going to push anyone away if someone comes along, i actually have two different guys right now that i know are interested but im not jumping the gun, if its meant to be it will happen on its own, if it dont then there is someone better out there for me. I love being happy with my life ag

ain!

Friday, July 31, 2009

A glimpse of sunshine!

My days have been pretty gloomy lately but today must have been a lucky day for me! It was a little up and down at first, but definitely got better as the night progressed. So starting with this morning, I got the girls up and out to school. When I found out piper doesn't start going full time until the 13th I got a little more worried about the job situation. Then on the way home I got a text from my very awesome amazing cousin saying she is off some this week and can babysit if I need her to! At this time she didn't know it would be Piper and Anakin but when I told her she didn't even hesitate! When I got home everything started to hit me at once. What was I going to do about a job, how was I gonna get the kids back and forth to school, where do I start. I seriously felt like I was suffocating! I had so much to figure out and no idea where to start! so I went for a walk. When I got back I made a pot of coffee, got a notebook and sat at the kitchen table. I just started writing, I wrote things I need to check on, things I need to do, things I need to figure out and goals I want to accomplish and in what kind of time frame I want to do them in. Its amazing how much better you can feel just by having a finish line in sight! I may not have any clue where the starting line is but at least I know what I am working towards! I also realized that I CAN do this, I CAN support me and my babies on my own. Its not going to happen overnight and I may need to take advantage of some community resources but hey everyone needs help getting on their feet at least once right? I am 28 and have only been on my own, for the 1st time in my life, since December, and I am doing it with 4 kids! so I think its going to take time for me to get the hang of this. After all this, I was in a pretty good mood, but my night really got better when I got an unexpected visitor. I am not adding the details of this just yet because I don't want to get ahead of myself but when the time comes, if the time comes I'll explain, just keep your fingers crossed for me and for those of you that do please keep the kids and I in your prayers while we try to get on our feet

Thursday, July 30, 2009

So very very lost

And for once its not a emotional lost. Its pretty much a what to do/ how to make things work lost. I need to find a job asap but i found out today Anakin does not start headstart until the 24th. Which causes a big problem. I can not afford a babysitter to go look for a job but i can not wait until the 24th. My Unemployment is just not cutting it. Also, i really really want to go back to school and do the LPN course or the surgical technologist course but how do i go to school and work? i have to have the time with my kids. i cant just in to school and not work cause then i have no income. i cant go to school durin the day and work nights because I wouldn sleep, i would stay up in the evenings to see the kids. I've tried that before. i want so badly to get my life on track and be able to provide for my kids on my own but i have no clue as to how to do it. i will wait on school if i have to even though if i could go to school it only takes a year and i could definitely support us off what an LPN makes. UGH!! this is so frustrating!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Sleepless nights

I hate not being able to sleep, not only does it suck the next day when i am dragging about trying to stay awake but it leaves way way to much time to think! i have been really struggling lately but i am hopeful that it will get easier and i will start to heal. I now know all to clearly why i am where i am, why i must go through what i am going through, and why it took me so long to get here.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Proud Mom!

I have been doing pretty good emotionally this week. It is still hard and i still have moments where i am incredibly sad but i think that means its going to start getting easier. Since it has went from days of sadness to moments. I dont however think i will ever be completely over it, but if i can let go enough to move on with my life i know i will be ok. Sometimes i feel like I will be ok and other times i feel like I wont and that i will be spending the rest of my life alone. The second feeling scares the crap out of me, cause i am not that person. I am not the woman that falls apart and cant pull herself back together.

On another note, the kids go back to school a week from friday. I found out just how amazing my kids are yesterday. We were talking about school and i had to tell them that they are going to have to start back to school with the clothes they have, that right now i can not get them new school clothes and supplies because i am really struggling to even pay the bills right now. Do you know what my daughters said? Jade and Starla told me it was ok that they didnt want me to be upset that they dont mind and then they started listing off school supplies that they still have from last year that they can use. What 10 and 9 year old respond that way? i am so very proud of them. Once they get back to school and i am able to find a job and get my bills caught up i am going to do something very special for them.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Time for the truth

Through everything stephen and i have done our best to remain friends. We do good for awhile and dont fight but then it blows up and we do. I know we are both tired of this. Today i realized i am a good part of the cause of this. When we first split up i tried so hard to convince everyone that i was ok, that i ended up making myself believe it, so i never dealt with the emotions of losing my husband, the love of my life. Now a year later it has all really hit me, and hit me hard. There is an immense anger that hits me sometimes for no reason at all that stephen was able to let go and move on so easily. When i think about it though if i would have dealt with it instead of acting like i was fine and acting like it didnt bother me that my marriage was falling apart or that the man that was supposed to love me forever quit loving me, then i too would probably be moving on and be ok right now. Instead, because i was to proud to show that it was killing me, i am now having to face this and its not pretty. I can not pretend anymore that i am ok or that i am as strong as everyone thinks i am. Its time to admit the truth and deal with it

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

that is me screaming cause i have again tried 3 times to write a post and my stupid phone erased it in the middle of it

Sunday, July 05, 2009

I will be ok

Im not even sure why i am writing right now. I guess maybe because i have 45 minutes until i need to leave to in get my kids and im just trying to waste time. I have been without them since thursday at 4 pm, i am looking forward to them coming home. To all the parents out there, when your kids drive you up the wall, which lets face it all kids do thats one of the great things about being a parent, just stop for a minute and think what it would be like to not have them with you all the time. They are only little once, enjoy and appriciate the time, realize how lucky you are, it may just give you a new look on things. I spent most of my weekend on the phone with an amazing friend and even though i am still lost, and still feel obsolete, he has helped me see that i am not the bad person that i felt like I was, after all he did want to talk to me all weekend. It is very nice to know that thier are guys out there that want the same things i want and have the same values. I still have no clue where my life is headed or why it has turned out this way, but I have realized that the past is just that, the past. There is no changing it, no erasing it, no running or hiding from it, its there and its a part of me. Its made me who i am, its made me as strong as I am, its made me the mother that i am, and its made me an adult. An adult who if she ever gets lucky and blessed enough to get 2nd chance at a happily ever after, has learned valueable lessons on what a marriage and family means.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Obsolete

So i have been trying my best the last couple days to figure out why i am so unhappy and how i can fix it. I was watching an episode of Gilmore Girls where Richard, lorelais father had retired and was driving everyone crazy, he told lorelai he was a nuisance to his wife and a burden to his daughter, that he went from being a productive part of the human race to obsolete. thats when it hit me, thats why i have been so down, thats exactly how i feel. i went from being a full time wife and mother with a family to take care of to being a part time mother with no job no life no local friends or family, i have become obsolete. i do get to take care of my kids part time but other then that i am alone, i have nothing to do, no meaning or purpose to my life anymore, and the saddest part is i am only 28! my life should just now be finding meaning not have run out already. so how do i fix this? do i just in find a job? will that fix this feeling? do i figure out how to work and go back to school? i am so lost that i dont even know where to start. this IS NOT a feel sorry for me post, anyone that knows me should know thats the last thing i want. I want to find my way and i want to be ok. I know i can do that and i will i just have to find that first step

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Ugh!

Well i have tried twice to write a post because i have had somethings happen that i really needed to work through but I have hit the wrong button twice and lost everything i wrote. Having to do this from my phone is a pain in the ass. I may try to go by the library this week

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Blog Posts

I am going to try and email to my blog from my phone so please excuse any typos. I have honestly been doing ok, i do still backslide every once in awhile. I think that is normal but I am anxious to know when it will end. I am really trying and doing the best i can. There are times when its easy and times where i am not sure how much more i can handle but I still manage to put on a smile and a good mood and act like i am happy with my life. Maybe one day it wont be an act anymore.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Long time, long way

Well its definitely been awhile since my last actual post. Alot has changed, mostly for the better. I found a place in Defeated that I can afford off my unemployment until I can get on my feet. Its a 2 bedroom trailer for $275.00 a month. It has well water so I don't even have a water bill! Its 10 minutes from the beach so the kids are loving that cause we spend alot of time there. Its kinda small but we can make it work until I am better situated and can get us back in or around Gordonsville.


Stephen is seeing someone now, she seems pretty nice, so I am happy for him. I am struggling with seeing her with my kids. Its really hard and its very shocking at the rage I feel just seeing her with them. Like last Sunday I met Stephen at walmart to get Jade and Piper, He didn't even warn me she was with them. I walk around the corner and see her pushing the cart with MY son in it and MY girls walking along side, and I swear it felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. It hurt so much more then anything i went through with the ending of my marriage. I can not stand the rage I feel so I talked to some others that have been through this and have been told its pretty normal, and that Stephen will go through the same thing when I start seeing someone. I think he thinks its about her, but its really not. They are MY babies, the only babies I will ever have.

Other then this, I am doing alot better then I was. I still have a small set back every once in awhile, but I think that's normal. I have an amazing friend who has helped me believe in myself more then anyone ever has, he has helped me see that I can get through this and I will be ok in the end. Its amazing how someone you have only known a few short months can have such an impact on your life. I really don't know how I would have gotten through the last couple months without him.

The kids are all doing good. School goes back July 31st, I'm not counting down the days this year lol I am really enjoying the summer with them and dread it being over because once it it I will no longer be a stay at home mom. I'm a little worried about having to do school clothes and supplies for 4 kids this year, since Anakin will be going to head start. The best news I have had in months though is Stephen has agreed to let the kids live with me during the school year! Their grades suffered at the end of last school year when they were going back and forth every other week. But I told him He can get them every weekend he wants them, one evening a week, and any school breaks that he wants them, to make up for him not having them every other week.

I don't have internet at home so updates wont be as often as I used to try. The kids are waiting on me now, we are going back to my place for breakfast and then back to the lake for the day.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

More bad luck

I was not going to put this on here, but everyone will know sooner or later so I guess it doesn't really matter. I am being evicted from my apartment, I finally reached the manager and she said if I can get out as soon as possible they wont send it to a lawyer, so I wont have an actually eviction on my rental history. I do not have the money to get another place right now so I have no choice but to put my stuff in storage, let the kids live with Stephen for the summer, and ill find a room to rent. The idea of not having the kids with me at all is killing me. I started moving stuff Friday, Justin and Tanya came to help me, and of course about the time we got both trucks loaded it started down pouring! My stuff got soaked along with the 3 of us! It was kinda funny though, except that the back of my bookcase that I just got a couple of months ago is messed up from the rain. I went back to the storage today to actually stack the stuff and make sure nothing was completely ruined from the rain. I have alot more to smoosh in there! I had to get a 10x10 since that was the biggest they had available, so I'm hoping it will all fit. Justin is coming Tuesday to help me move more, if it don't rain Monday though I'm probably going to do what I can with my car. I will probably stay here another 2 weeks, then I think I am going to be renting a room from a friend of mine up here, that way I am close to the kids. 

I am trying to figure out what I need to do to get my life back on track, but it is so hard because I cant concentrate, I cant keep my mind on one thing for very long. I feel like I am at my breaking point, I pray everyday that it does not get any worse. After everything that has happened the last year I thought I was finally moving on and going to be OK, but for some reason everything keeps falling apart on me. Why is this? What have I done in my life to deserve the hell that I keep being put through? I can not figure this out. I try so hard to keep my head up and believe things will get better yet it keeps biting me in the ass! 

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Just rambling

Last Saturday would have been my 11th anniversary, but instead it was just another day. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. It was a little rough but that was missing being married, not missing that marriage. I have been thinking alot lately about the last 10 years and have realized that even though I did love Stephen I honestly can not remember how far back it was where I just got so content and settled with my life that it no longer mattered that I wasn't in love with him. I don't know why I didn't realize this either. I think I was just so determined to make my marriage work and beat the odds that I didn't want to see it wasn't working. As hard as the last year has been, which I don't think anyone has any idea how much of an impact it all had on me, I am pretty good at pretending everything is OK, something can be killing me and I can put on a smile and act like its not, I don't like to let it show when something is tearing me apart like that. I hit rock bottom, I seriously felt like I was in hell with no way out, but when it was all said and done I am now very thankful for all I have been through. Sounds stupid right? To be thankful for that kind of hurt and heartache? Well I am so thankful and OK with it all now, because now I know who I am and how strong I am. I know what I can handle and I know my breaking point.

The hardest thing now is the loneliness, I never imagined it would be this hard. To go to bed lonely and wake up lonely everyday is a constant struggle to not let it pull me down. I think it got the best of me yesterday,I just didn't talk to anyone all day until later in the evening. I really don't know why, I just woke up and felt off and didn't feel like I wanted to talk to anyone.

I went and spent last weekend with my sister. I just couldn't wake up Easter morning alone in my apartment, since the kids were with Stephen. Jeannie let me give Evan his first haircut! He looks like such a big boy now! He looks like Anakin with certain glances and he looks like Joey with others.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

"Lessons Learned"

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Good/Bad Day

Yesterday was kinda of a screwy day. It was like a damn roller coaster all day long. It would be good one minute and bad the next.

I found out why I have not heard from Brian(the guy that asked me out) in almost two weeks, he is in Washington state. He got laid off the week I was in New Jersey and had to go to Washington for classes for another job, then he will be going to Alaska for 6 months to work on a pipe line or something like that.

I got into yet another fight with Stephen that I cant get into about on here cause its just not me to throw someone elses business out there for everyone to know. I have just had enough and I told him so. I have removed him from my facebook and myspace, I think its time we need to stop trying to be friends.

I went and applied for families first yesterday to see if I could get help long enough to get through school, my case worker said I could because even though we share custody the divorce papers state that for any state or federal reasons I am the main custodial parent, but when I went back that afternoon to meet with the lady that handles it she said I am not eligible because Stephen does not pay child support. I was disappointed, I want to go back to school. I need to figure out how to get on my feet and be able to support us on my own without struggling. I know I can do it, I just have to figure out how!

I really need to buy some VHS tapes and have someone record Nickelodeon for Anakin because he is driving me NUTS with Mario! lol I had the cable shut off because I was paying $60.00 a month for him to watch cartoon since I don't ever watch TV, and I figured with the summer coming it would get watched less and really be a waste of money.

I am going to the super speedway Saturday night. A friend of mine (I wont say who to protect her because of her situation) got 4 free tickets and is taking a buddy of hers, me and I am supposed to bring someone. I have two options on this, one I am doubting can go and the other I really don't want to go but I may end up having to ask him. Yes, I know that made alot of sense huh? lol Don't you just love it when I'm vague on here!

For as long as I can remember I have been 5'6". I was in 7th grade and I was when I got pregnant with Jade, so for the last 10 years I assumed I was 5'6". When Chelsie went to her 1st OB appointment they said she is 5'8", so we figured I had to be 5'8" cause we are the same height. I just measured me and I'm 5'7", I finally know how tall I really am! lol I just text her to see if she had shoes on when they measured her and she said yes, so shes probably 5'7" too. lol

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Very long day

Today was a pretty rough day. All four of my babies were sick. It started with Jade, she said she hadn't been feeling well since Friday, so Monday I took her to the doctor. The doc said she had a pretty bad sinus infection and more then likely strep. She said she could swab her throat to do the test but since she had to give her antibiotics for the sinus infection anyway there was really no point to it. She said she shouldn't be real contagious, just try to keep the rest of them from hanging on her. Well, it didn't work! I think they were already "infected". By that night Starla was complaining of her throat hurting and by 2 am Piper woke up with a fever and 30 minutes later Anakin did. So I called the doctor and she called them all in the same antibiotic she gave Jade. Anakin had it pretty rough for awhile, he took a nap and when he woke up his fever had spiked to 104.3, I gave him Motrin and a cool bath and it started to come down. I was ready to take him to the ER if it hadn't started going down. All in all, I think we got through it pretty well.

I'm exhausted, I don't know why I cant sleep! I think I may end up having to go to the doctor myself about this sleeping problem. I just cant sleep, I get tired and wore out but when I lay down, I am wide awake! I may doze out for a few minutes maybe an hour at a time but that's it. I don't even fall asleep during the day. I tried to lay down today when the kids were sleeping and couldn't sleep.

I have realized something the last couple of days. I miss having my kids all the time. Yes the free time is nice, but I miss them being here with me, this every other week is getting harder instead of easier. It was perfect in the beginning, I was a full time mommy one week and single and free to come and go as I please the following week. But the longer it goes on the more I realize its not the life I want, I don't want the single time anymore, I want to be a mom all the time. I want to fix dinner for my kids and help them with homework and get them ready for bed and read stories every night, not every other week. I feel so selfish for wanting them with me all the time, their dad needs them and the time with them too. I want to go back to them only being gone every other weekend and one night a week for a couple hours, but I can't because that's not fair to Stephen or the kids. I agreed to this arrangement and it was even my idea, so now I have to make the best of it.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Trip to New Jersey

So I had planned to write small notes and then put them all together when I get home, since I cant write a big post through my phone but I didn't do very well with the notes So I will just have to try to remember everything.



We left right before 11:00p.m Sunday night(3-22). We had to meet John(a friend of mines husband) at Keystop to give him my house and mailbox key so Chelsie could get my unemployment check out of my mailbox on Tuesday. I didn't want it sitting in there. Dad made fun of me and mom because it took us almost 30 minutes at the gas station to get situated in the car to where everything was in reach and we were comfortable lol. I tried to stay awake but I fell asleep and I woke up around 3:30 and we were in west Virginia. We got into New Jersey around 4pm.

The first day Uncle Stanley took us around Jamesburg where him and dad grew up! It was really interesting listening to them remember when they were young! I got to see alot!

I have waited to long to get this wrote out! lol I cant remember everything I wanted to put in here! And it may not be in the right order but oh well. lol

We spent 2 nights at Aunt Pats, the 1st night Leta, Aunt Loretta, Letas kids, Eddie and his wife and one of their daughters came over for dinner. It was great! I loved seeing everyone! I haven't seen any of them except Aunt Pat since I was in 5th grade! Later that night me, mom, Aunt Pat and Audie went to Karaoke, i tried it and sucked bad! lol I had trouble starting the song! Its alot harder then it looks! I didn't have near enough to drink in me either! lol It was fun though. After we got back we all decided we wanted Dunkin Donuts so Audie and I went back out after them. Audie told me some stories about our Grandma. He was old enough to remember her, but I wasn't. i was only 5 when she passed. he also told me about dad and Uncle stanley letting him watch Friday the 13th (I think, I cant remember for sure but it was a scary movie) when he was little and it freaked him out! lol I laughed so hard!

On Friday Uncle Stanley took us to the Ocean! I had a blast! I absolutely loved it! I got soaked and it was cold but it was awesome! I made the kids ocean bottles with sand, water and shells. I picked up so many shells my pockets on my jacket were full plus I put a bunch in the bag with the ocean bottles!

We went to Aunt Bonnies one night for dinner. I felt a little out of place there because I didn't remember any of them.

We left Uncle Stanleys Saturday afternoon so we could go through PA and stop and see Aunt Loveda and Aunt Trudy. I didn't remember them much, but remembered a little more after seeing them. Aunt Trudy looks just like the pictures I have seen of my grandmother! When we left that night, dad drove by where him and mom lived when I was born. I wanted a picture so I was standing in the rain barefoot in pj's in the middle of the road trying to get a good picture on my phone since it has no flash. lol Yes, I know im a little nuts! lol

All in all I had a great trip and had a blast! We came back a day early cause I missed my babies to much, I kinda had a little break down the night we went to Aunt Bonnies, so mom and dad said they understood. I am so glad we got to go and I can not wait to take the kids! I miss my family up there SO much!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Yes, finally updating!

So I didn't realize until the other day that I haven't updated on here lately, then I forgot again and remembered when mom said I needed to update! lol She checks it regularly now, she says cause I don't tell her anything so this way she at least knows whats going on with me. lol So mom this post is for you! lol

Let see where to start, ohh this is going to be a long one! lol

OK, so lets start with March 9th where I left off, this was not a good day. Stephen and I got into the biggest fight we have ever had in the almost 12 years we have known each other. I think it was good that we did in a way because we both started listening to what the other was actually saying, and we settled stuff about the kids that we were having issues with.

My birthday was great! I spent the night at Chelsie's that night before, she made me a cake and used a candle in a jar for a candle cause it was all she had! lol She made rice crispy treats and we also had some flavored ones cause we got a bag of the miniatures and I sorted them while she made the regular ones! lol When I woke up on my birthday I had a voice mail from Aunt Donna and Uncle Joe singing me Happy birthday! Then I got texts from mom, Meredith, Chris, Tanya, Aunt Shell, and a voice mail from Jeannie, All in that order! Yes, I actually know but only cause I locked the texts so they are still in my phone! lol Missy text the day after. And I just realized as I was typing this I never heard from my brother, ohhh Imma gonna kick his butt! lol Nah, I know he loves me anyway. Chelsie and I were supposed to go fishing but we had to wait on the direct TV guy but he didn't leave until 8:30 we were going to go night fishing but realized we forgot worms! lol Plus Chris was being a brat and talking about snakes and spiders trying to scare the crap out of us. It kinda worked!

I have been doing really good emotionally lately, I am happy. I am very pleased that going to church really helped, I have found the faith I was looking for and I know it is because I truly believe and not just because I need something to hold onto. I am still thinking of trying different churches, I would like to find a baptist church that I like. I know I am going to go to Merediths church with her one Sunday when I don't have the kids, since she lives in Murfreesboro, I don't think I can get us all up and ready early enough to get us all down there. I may actually end up seeing about just staying the Saturday night before with her, I'm sure she wont mind cause she loves me! (right Meredith? lol)

So I am kind of confused on something, so opinions are more then welcome on this. I have never dated, Stephen and I just kinda fell together we never went on a date before we were a couple. I have no clue as to what I am doing here, So here is the thing: I have a friend that I really like, he is a great guy, we talk quite a bit. He knows I like him and he has said he likes me but the thing is he is not ready to be more then friends, he had a relationship that didn't end so good not that long ago and he doesn't want to chance hurting me or ruining our friendship. I am OK with that and understand completely where he is at and don't want to push him into anything. I am glad that we are atleast friends, I do enjoy talking to him. Here is where the confusion comes in, I got asked out on a date for next Saturday! I didn't expect it so I am excited and I said yes. I would put the details about him but I will wait until after, since I have to call him tomorrow and tell him I can't go next Saturday because I will be out of state(I will explain that shortly). I don't know him very well so I don't know if I actually like him or if I am just excited about the fact I got asked out (which sounds really pathetic). That's what dating is right? To find out if you like someone? Is it OK to go out with one guy when you like another?

OK, about being out of state. Me, mom and dad are leaving tonight at 7:00 to go to New Jersey to visit my Uncle. We are staying until the 29th. Its kinda last minute so that is why I am up so late tonight, i have to pack and get ready, but got sidetracked with my blog! lol I am excited I haven't seen him in about 10 years. He is going to take us around the area where my dad grew up. While we are up there I am going to go spend a couple days with Aunt Pat too! She is going to take me to Karaoke Friday night! I'm excited.

The kids are all doing good, brats as usual. Chelsie and I took them fishing Tuesday at Edgar Evans, we didn't catch anything but they had a good time. We also took them up the tower! lol that was funny! They liked it until they realized it moved a little. Then they went to moms for part of this week. I missed them alot but it really helped because I got sick. I woke up the other morning and could barely breathe! I have been fighting a cough and congestion for about a month, I thought it was just bronchitis, which I get every year around this time and fight off with mucinex and Robitussin. Well it really scared me that I had so much trouble breathing so I went to the doctors. Turns out I had a bacterial infection in my lungs pretty bad. The doctor said if I had waited any longer I would have ended up in the hospital! So he gave me a shot of steroids and antibiotics and then gave me a prescription of both along with some cough medicine for at night to help me sleep.

Well I think that's it! Atleast that's all I can think of right now!

Monday, March 09, 2009

28 and more

Well, I will be 28 tomorrow, it has been one hell of a year. I never would have imagined I would be where I am when I turned 28, but you know what? I am really happy for the first time in almost a year! I am still worried financially, but I don't let it get me down to much. It feels SO good to be able to go to bed at night and actually sleep good without waking every hour, to be able to be alone without falling apart. There were seriously times where I didn't think I would make it through, but I have and I know I am a stronger person for having gone through everything I went through. I have found me again, I gave up a lot of who I was and the stuff I liked in the last 10 years. I don't blame Stephen for this, actually I blame myself, I was so wrapped up in trying to be the perfect wife that I wanted to be what I thought he wanted me to be instead of who I was. But I have made peace with all of that and I have learned from it. I know now that while I am far from perfect, I am me and I am a great person and I am very loved just the way I am! This is a lesson I will hold onto for the rest of my life and that I will try to make sure my children know and don't have to learn on their own.

I had an awesome weekend! The kids and I were on the go constantly and were outside and at the park as much as possible. So here is the run down lol:

Friday- I picked the girls up from school at 2, so we could go play at the park. I wasn't feeling real good, I think it was just a cold, but I wanted the kids to be outside for awhile. So they played while I sat there wishing I could just go to bed. lol Then Chelsie met us down there, we let the kids play until a little after 4. We came back to the house and got them settled and dinner made, I had a free code for Redbox so I had rented them "Horton Hears A Hoo" So they all got their pillows and blankets and had a picnic in the front room while watching their movie. Jades best friend (well twinkie in 5th grade language, yes that's what they call each other instead of best friends) Savanna came and spent the night so she could come to Anakins Birthday party Saturday.

Saturday- We got up around 8 and headed to walmart, yes me with 5 kids in tow lol (yeah, that was FUN!) to get the food for Anakins party. His party was great! He didn't get much but you know what? He didn't notice and I didn't care! So much of my family showed up that I was just tickled! It was awesome! I had a really good time and I think everyone else did. Aunt Shell and Uncle Jimmy brought up Pop-Pops Dryer for me and a TV(hey Aunt Shell! I just realized I still owe you $10 for that!) So I am VERY excited I now have a dryer and can do laundry! lol After everyone left Jade, Starla, Savannah, Piper(well a little) and I cleaned the apartment from one end to the other, it only took us 1 hour! It was awful in here! I was embarrassed my family saw it like that! Then as a reward for helping me we went to the park! We played and flew kites! Anakin even got his to fly! He was actually the 1st one to get it! Then we went to another birthday party, A friend of mines daughter shares a birthday with Anakin, she just turned 13. She had a cookout and a bonfire, the kids had a blast! Savanna ended up going with us and staying the night again. When we got home the kids settled down to a movie. Piper and Anakin passed out around 12 but Jade, Starla and Savanna were up until 2, I went to bed around 3:30(with the time change I was only up 30 min after the kids).

Sunday- I got up at 7am managed to get me and all 5 kids showered, fed and out the door by 9:50 to get to Church on time! I was SO proud of me! lol We went to Aunt Donnas church, I didn't tell her we were coming just in case I couldn't get everyone up and going in time, so I think we surprised her pretty good. We all enjoyed it. The girls and I all agreed we really liked there music. I wont have the kids Sunday, so I will be going back on my own. I hadn't been to church in years, seriously years! lol Actually, it was only the 2nd time since I was younger. It made alot more sense to me then it did back then. I found myself understanding what he was saying and finding meaning in it. I felt really good when I left. After Church we came home and got the kids changed and packed a lunch and went to the park for a picnic lunch and to play. We flew kites and played until almost 3 when the wind was getting to bad. Then we just came back here and hung out until time to take them to Stephen and take Savanna home.

So I didn't get to finish because a friend came by to use my pc. So after dropping them off I met Chelsie at Doller General, then we went and got something to eat and just hung out for awhile. Later I met a friend at the park and we just hung out an talked for awhile, it was fun. I had a good time! After that I ended my weekend by just coming home and relaxing! This weekend was great!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Believing

Well, most of my family know part of what I am about to say, but it was never something I told alot of friends. Back when the Left Behind books came out, I read all the way up to Assassins and instead of helping me believe, it actually gave me alot of doubts. And then 9/11 happened and it just made it worse. I never got to the point where I just didn't believe in God at all, I just wasn't sure what I believed and couldn't make a decision about it. So I just lived like that for the last, however many years its been.

This is coming out now because for the last couple months, I have been really trying to figure this out. I feel like I really want to believe and that with how my life has been the past year, I feel like I really need something to have faith in. But is that ok? Is that a bad reason to be re-thinking this now just because I feel the need to have faith in something? Or is that exactly how its supposed to feel?

I have been doing really well emotionally lately, and kinda feel like if I can reach a decision on this then I will be right where I need to be. I have been afraid of having a "false" faith, if that makes sense. How do I figure this out?

My son is an addict!

Ok, I now know how badly my son is addicted to bookworm! He was playing it and had to go potty, so here is how our conversation went:

Anakin: Mom, gotta go potty(while he is jumping up and down)
Mom: Well go then
Anakin: Ok, be right back (at this point he has started down the hall and then stops)
Mom: Anakin go potty
Anakin: (keep in mind he says this as seriously as can be) Mom dont touch anything! (and points to the computer!

so of course being the nice loving mom I am I turn and walk toward the computer. hehe He comes flying out of the hall and jumps in the chair and.....

Anakin: No mom its my turn! Dont touch anything
Mom: Would you go potty, I will give it back when you get back
Anakin: Promise?
Mom: yes, now go

So he finally went potty! lol

That was exactly what he was saying to me! Now does that sound like a child that just turned 3?!

Monday, March 02, 2009

Just rambling

How much bad luck can one person have? I think about that question alot. I believe everything in life happens for a reason, even the little decisions we make on a daily basis effect us more then we realize. So now I am wondering maybe its not bad luck, maybe I just keep making bad decisions. How do I break this cycle? I know I am very fortunate and blessed in my life, I have the four most wonderful children I could have ever asked for even though they are at the fighting each other stage that drives me up the wall sometimes. lol I have more friends and family then most people get to have over a lifetime. I do my best to stay optimistic and not let things get me down, I absolutely hate that money has so much control over this world. As rough as things have been lately, lack of money is the biggest issue I face right now. Although it should be easily fixable with the economy the way it is and jobs so scarce it is almost impossible to find a job and that scares the crap out of me. I even tried McDonalds and KFC in Gordonsville, and they are not even hiring! Who has ever heard of a McDonallds that is NOT hiring?!

I just called and checked on my unemployment, I am very excited that it said they cut a check yesterday! Its for $171.00, since they took taxes out but its better then nothing! Now I just have to figure out how to pay Marches rent and bills and I will be ok until I find a job. I have a lead on a job in Smithville, its a fri sat sun 12 hour days but starts at $10.37 an hour, that would be perfect! The only problem is getting up there since I have Anakin all day.

My dryer broke, yes the one I just paid $100.00 for. Luckily my parents don't need my grandfathers old dryer and more so it is sitting in my Aunts shed, they are going to bring it up for me when I have Anakins party.

Jade woke up throwing up with diarrhea, I am hoping it is just a tummy bug and not the other things back! We got through a whole month with everyone healthy!

My baby boy is 3 now! I cant believe it has been 3 years already! I will post birthday pics on here later. Stephen and I started a new thing last year that on the kids birthday one of us takes them to the store and lets them pick anything they want and then we get their big gift for their birthday party. So Stephen took Anakin yesterday and he picked Handy Mandy, I have no idea if I spelt that right. I forgot to have Stephen get candles so I used a tea light on his cake that was outa a gift bag I got from the night before! lol Anakin didn't mind! lol

I went to Bunco sat night and got to drive home in the snow! When I left Merediths it was falling so hard in Murfreesboro that you couldn't see the lines on the road! I almost turned around but was afraid I would get stuck down there and Miss Anakins party, If i would have known I was gonna have to cancel his party anyway, I would have stayed so I could have played in the snow! lol When I got near the way to turn to the speedway on 231, the snow was gone! It snowed just a little up here but not even enough to cover the ground!

I still struggle sometime with the idea this is my life now. Growing up I always imagined getting married and living happily ever after. That just shows life doesn't always work out how you plan. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying the learning or attempting to stand on my own, and be my own person. I am working really hard at figuring out who I am and believing in myself, I feel I have come a long way but I know I still have a long way to go. I do miss having someone there to share my day with. It weird how much you realize the little things you don't give a thought to until they are not there anymore. But I am looking forward to finding out who I am and then having a chance of having that back.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

oh no

Panic is starting to set in. Tomorrow is March 1st and I still have no idea how I am going to pay Marchs rent! I don't know whats going on with my unemployment, I have been everywhere to find a job. I am at a complete loss as to what to do! I can not lose my apartment! I kept thinking that with all the bad luck I have had something was bound to change and I would be ok financially, but nothing has changed! I have no way to get the rent money, hell I cant even borrow it cause I have no idea when I would be able to pay it back! Even if I got a job Monday It would take 2 checks to cover it and that would be around March 20th before I could pay it. UGH!!! I hate this! I am supposed to be able to support me and the kids on my own! When am I going to be able to do that!?

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Meet Slushy



This little turtle is Slushy, he has been apart of our family for about 4 years now. How we have not lost him along the way, I have no idea. Slushy was born one day when we decided to eat at Sonic, yes Slushy came from a Wacky Pack. He originally belonged to Jade, but since he is SO adorable I tried to keep him, yes I know like any mother would do! So Jade and I began a game of who could keep Slushy from the other longer. Eventually Starla and Piper joined in and now even Anakin tries to keep Slushy for himself. Its amazing the giggles and squeals that one little turtle can bring. I will eventually put Slushy up for a tale to tell when they are grown and have children of their own, but for right now Slushy continues to be an active member of our family.






Friday, February 20, 2009

10 Things You May Or May Not Know About Me.

1. I can not stand to not have my toenails painted.
2. I like infomercials- they are so corny that they fascinate me.
3. I have a foot phobia- I can not stand other peoples feet touching me.
4. I could not live without my tweezers.
5. I love the freecreditreport.com commercials and will stop what I am doing to watch them.
6. I love to sing along with the radio as long as its loud enough that I cant hear myself.
7. I like to read the lyrics to songs and find meaning in them.
8. I hate when bottles are almost empty(shampoo, laundry soap, mustard, everything).
9. I've been tempted to shave my head just so my scalp wont be so white.
10. It takes me forever to make a decision on even the smallest things.
I took this in the apartment laundry room! They are standing on a counter, Jade's head was touching the ceiling!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Valentines Day

My luck has not gotton any better, I found a set of bunks on craigslist for $100.00 they said they could deliver for $30.00, well they bring it out and then after I leave I realize its BROKE!!! They are trying to say it was not broke when they took it apart and wont give me my money back, so the $350.00 I saved for a washer and dryer set I found now has to go to new bunk beds. I can not afford both and the kids need the beds. Their room is not big enough to even lay the mattresses on the floor for awhile, they have to have a frame. Kmart has a set for $179, but that will only leave me with around $150.00 there is no way I am going to find a washer and dryer for that. Plus I didn't have enough to pay Marches rent like I was hoping, so I have 2 weeks to figure out how I am going to pay that! I don't know what to do!
I'm sorry for the so fest, I am just so lost right now. I am SO tired of this struggle, I am finally doing good emotionally and at the point where I am ready to move forward with my life and now because of financial reasons I am stuck again.

Valentines day has not been as hard as I thought it was going to be, it actually just feels like another day. Yeah, like everyone else I would like to have someone special to share the day with but I'm not harping on it or even upset by it. I have some friends coming over later and we are going to have ourselves a little Valentines day party! hehehe

On another note, I have been talking to someone. We actually have been talking alot more the last week. We have been friends for awhile now. I am not quite sure where its heading, I'm not even sure if I am ready for it to go anywhere, but I know I do like him and I find myself waiting to hear from him. He mentioned the other night if he would have known I didn't have the kids and I was free he would have asked me to meet him in Lebanon for dinner. He's a great guy, he knows my situation and about my kids.

Monday, February 09, 2009

This annoys me!

This is the EXACT same set Jade and Starla have, that I bought from Big Lots in 2006 for $179.00! There is NO way they went up that much to be asking $275.00 for a USED set! She is not even including the mattresses!


Very sturdy bunk beds - wood - almost new - $275 (Inglewood)

Reply to: Date: 2009-01-21, 11:00AM CST

Set of bunkbeds - practically new. bought them about 6 months ago new for our grandson to sleep on. he's only slept on them a very few times. mattresses not included. will sale one bunkie board seperate tho. - 40.00. keeping the other mattress tho. they do seperate into two twins. thanks





Sunday, February 08, 2009

February already?!

Wow, I cant believe we are already a month into 2009. So far this year has not gotten any better for me. The kids were sick most of January, my van finally got repoed, and I got laid off again. We have also had another major change, that is going to take some getting used to. Stephen and I changed the custody arrangement. We will each have the kids every other week. Financially this is going to be rough for me, especially since I just got laid off, it should make things alot easier on Stephen though. Emotionally, the thought of not having my kids with me all the time is tearing me apart, we have not even been through the 1st week yet and I am dreading it. I know it will be a little easier until I find a job because I will be going over to Stephens every morning to get the girls off to school and have Anakin all day, but I also know once I find a job and I am not seeing them everyday during Stephens week, I am going to struggle with it. It was my idea to try this though, the kids were having a hard time not seeing Stephen much, he was missing them, and I was completely overwhelmed trying to keep up with everything on my own. I was not enjoying my children, and I don't want to live like that. I want to be able to play with them, read to them, do crafts with them, I miss that stuff and the time with them.

I had a re-lapse a couple of weeks ago. I was rethinking the divorce. I have finally realized that as sure as I was that couple of days, that's all it was. A part of me will always love Stephen, he has been a big part of my life, he is he father of my children but that's it. The love a wife should have for a husband is gone, the butterflies from a touch are gone, all the little things that used to be there are gone. I think I have actually moved on. I didn't think this day would ever come, I didn't think the hurt would ever go away. And while there is a hint and a memory of all the hurt, its not enough for it to matter to me anymore, but at the same time I think that is what has helped me to move on. I'm sure that every once in awhile I will miss what was, but I know in my heart what was is not what is meant for me and my life.

I never made any New Years Resolutions this year, I think I am going to now.
1. I am going to get my life together and on track.
2. I am going to be an adult on my own.
3. I am going to become a stronger mom for my kids
4. I am going to continue to work on my self esteem
5. I am going to lose weight and get in shape
6. I am going to quit smoking!!!


A side note to #4, I had a friend comment one weekend that she could tell by the way I carry myself now that I have been working on this. It really tickled me and made me want to try that much harder! Thank you Meredith!!!

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Saturday, January 03, 2009

FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed