2008

This has literally been the worst year of my life. Yes, i am VERY thankful for what I do have, but most of my world fell apart this year. I lost alot of what i believed in, and I don't know how to get that back.
For Jade and I, 2008 ended in the hospital. She woke up in the very early morning of the 31st and told me her belly was hurting, I told her to go to the bathroom and lay back down. Well by the time we got up and had breakfast, it was obvious that she was hurting. So I started questioning her and decided to take her to the ER because it sounded like her appendix. I couldn't find someone to come watch Starla, Piper, Anakin and Evan, so I had to take them all with me! We got there by 10:30, I think. When I couldn't go with her to triage because of all the kids, I tried calling Sherell(Stephens mom) to see if she would come get my other 3. I didn't reach her at home and was about to try her cell, when Stephen called. I told him what was going on and that I was trying to reach his mom. He was at work and I really didn't want him to have to leave unless it was absolutely necessary because he would lose holiday pay for New Years. Sherell was there within probably 20 minutes of Stephen calling her. She even took Evan, I didn't expect her to take him to but she had no problem with it. I really don't know what I would have done with out her that day. Jade got admitted to the hospital, they thought it was her appendix, even though the ct scan was clear. Dr. Rutherford came in to see her and said it was a viral infection. So she got to come home New Years day.

Awhile back, I had decided to move back to Rutherford County, but then Starla getting in trouble made me rethink the kids being that far from their dad. Well this thing with having to take 5 kids to the ER has me rethinking my decision again. Maybe I am old fashioned or selfish, or whatever you want to call it, but if a friend calls me and says I need to get my daughter to the ER can you come sit with the others, I would be out the door and on my way before they even finished their sentence. I have one friend up here that got upset when I told her about moving to Rutherford County, she didn't want us to go, but when I called her the morning I had to take Jade to the ER she couldn't come stay with the other kids because her husband told his parents that they would do something with them at 12 o'clock that day. Now I know you never know what will happen or how long it will take when you go to an ER, but to me the least she could have done was said I can come over until you can get someone else there. But it honestly made me feel like my daughter needing to go to the emergency room was not important to her, someone who claims to love my kids as if they were her own. If I would have been in Rutherford County, I know I have so many family and friends down there that someone would have understood and come to help me out without making me feel like I was bothering them.

So I have a major decision to make, and I have to make it on my own. Do I stay up here where the schools are great, the cost of living is decent, and I have Stephen and his parents as a support system or do I move back where the schools are not bad but overcrowded and not as personal, the cost of living is higher and I know I would struggle financially, but I would have a huge support system. I would have more then a handful of people that if the kids and I needed anything, would not hesitate to help us out. How do you make that kind of decision on your own? It will really effect the kids, no matter what I choose.

Christmas and some other stuff

We had a pretty good Christmas. The kids got more toys then they really need, but loved all of it and have had a blast! They have also been wired out the ass! lol Stephen spent Christmas Eve night here to be with the kids Christmas morning, they really enjoyed that. And I have to pick on him about the fact he broke my Christmas tree on Christmas eve! lol He tried to plug the lights up and leaned to much and broke the stand, so we had to move it and tie it to the wall. He got upset about it but I told him it was no big deal, they sell universal stands so I should be able to just get a stand for it next year. Of course I will give him a hard time about it for many years to come! lol

Stephen had the kids from Friday the 19th until Christmas Eve. they had a good time with him. I got to get Piper on the 23rd for her Birthday, so I took her to McDonald's and since she had already had lunch she got an ice cream. And then we went to walmart and she picked out a birthday present. We have started doing it that way, on their Birthday one of us takes them to Walmart and lets them pick out what they want and then we get them something for their party that's a surprise.

We went to my parents yesterday, the kids got even more toys they don't need. lol

Is this really my life?

I never imagined I would be a single mom. If someone had told me 10 years, or even 1 year ago that I would be divorced I would have told them they were crazy. I would have told them I had the perfect husband, the perfect marriage, the perfect life. A year ago I had all that, I had everything I ever wanted out of life. You know, most people grow up dreaming of what they want to be, like astronauts, or president, or a nurse, doctor lawyer. My only dream was to get married and raise a big family. Yes, I did want to be a teacher but not enough that the idea of not getting to be a teacher bothered me. I knew as long as I had a family I would be happy with my life. For ten years, I got to live my dream. I guess I was lucky there, some people don't get their dream at all. I am very thankful I was happy for those 10 years. Although I now realize everything was not as perfect as I thought. Yes, I had a great husband, but I have recently found out that I had a husband that held back and didn't talk to me. How can you be married to someone for so long and not talk to them? How can you be miserable and not tell your spouse? I'm not saying he was miserable, but I have a feeling that if he held so much back from me there was at least some point in our marriage that he was not happy at all. That makes me very sad that I was so happy and content with our life together and he might have been just the opposite. I feel as though my whole marriage was a lie, and that hurts. How do I trust another man after the one I loved with all my heart and trusted with every fiber of my being was not completely up front and honest with me and held stuff back because he was worried about my reaction? He wouldn't tell me how he felt about something if he thought it would cause a fight. I am really surprised we lasted 10 years, but I guess that's why we did. And I was always so proud of the fact we didn't fight alot, but again now I know why we didn't.

Will I get another chance? Will I find someone who will love me and only me for who I am just the way I am? Someone who will tell me when I am not being fair or when I mess up and don't realize it? Stephen was my 1st true love, but I don't believe he was the love of my life. If he was the love of my life we would still be together, so since it is not him, did I miss out on finding the love of my life or is it still possible he is out there and will except me and all that comes with me?

I am happy with my life right now, but my mind is already wandering. I cant help but wonder when I will meet someone who will brighten my day just because I heard his voice. I miss the little things like that.

Who is Marymont Springs?

This was a comment on my post. I can not see the picture to figure out who you are. Will you tell me please? lol

Marymont Springs said...
Where are you at now? M'boro??How's Dell going??Hang in there girlie!! You are such a strong chick and only good things will happen for you!

I am in Gordonsville, I am actually re-thinking moving to murfreesboro, I am afraid it will be to hard on the kids. Dell is going good! Some long hours though! Thank you!

Midterms

Jade got 92 science midterm, 80 reading, 98 math, 82 english, 96 spelling, 64 social studies

Txt Publishing

If you are wondering why there are a bunch of small posts its because I figured out how to post from a text, but only have limited space.

Piper

I'm missing my first day of work today. Piper got up sick. She has been throwing up and has diareah. My poor baby is stuck sitting on the toilet because every time she gets up, she has an accident. I have already had to change sheets on my bed, hers and scrub two spots on the carpet. I have 3 trash bags of stuff to take to Stephens to wash.

Kids

It finally dawned on me yesterday, that when I drop the kids off at Stephens on Friday morning I wont see them for 6 days. They will not be home until Christmas eve. Stephen is going to let me get Piper for a while on the 23rd since its her birthday.

Well the kids and I now live in an apartment. It is kinda small for 4 kids but it will do. Its really weird not having Stephen there, and being in a place he has never lived. Stephen and I took one load Friday night, we filled both vans and then that was all I could do! I was so exhausted from work. I had to work Saturday and Stephen and my cousin Missy moved a bunch for me! I don't know how I would have ever gotton it done if it wasn't for them! Missy stayed the night with me and we stayed up all night unpacking! The only thing left is the girls room, because we couldn't get the bolts into the top bunk! (Missy- we were using the wrong bolts! There were 2 that looked the same but one had bigger threads!) Missy left around 12 and I was alone until the kids came home. It was really weird, plus I was having a bad afternoon, so that just made me emotional. And it doesn't help that I should be starting soon. I tried to put in a movie to listen to so it wasn't so quite but something happened to my DVD player! So now I have nothing! I have a itty bitty TV, but no cable and no DVD player. I know I don't watch alot of TV but since I don't have a radio either I usually either listen to a movie or put a CD in the DVD player to listen to.
I am still trying to find a babysitter for after the 1st of the year. I am not sure what to do!
Anyway, I wont have Internet for a bit, but I did figure out how to post on her from my cell phone.

Things are starting to look up a little

I start at Dell on Monday. Its supposed to be 6 am to 2:30 p.m but they are doing overtime right now so its 6 to 4:30 Monday through Saturday with Sunday possible. The biggest worry with Dell is that when you hit 1450 hours they lay you off and you have to wait 100 days before going back. They don't hire very often, but after 90 days if they start hiring, I can go online and apply.

I looked into an apartment in Gordonsville last week, I decided I don't want to move the kids out of county until school is out for the summer. Well, I thought I found a great deal a 3 bedroom 2 bath for $590.00 a month and with their move in special it would only be $375.00 to move in, plus the electric deposit which I thought would be $200.00 is actually $280.00! Yeah Yikes on the electric deposit! But when I went to look at it, they guy on the phone had told me wrong, the apartment is only $535.00!!! Can you believe that? So I managed to come up with the money and was supposed to be moving in Friday but they didn't get the approval yet! They are still waiting on the complex owner to say OK. Which sucks because now I am starting work Monday and whenever I can move I will be getting off after 10 hours and have to move and unpack! ugh! Stephen said he will help me move though, so that is a plus. I was just so disappointed to not be able to move this weekend.

Starla got into some trouble at school. She drew a picture that she said was a book cover for a story she was writing. The title was "Revenge" and the drawing was of stick figure standing there with a knife and another stick figure stuck on the knife. When her teacher 1st asked her about it Starla said it was just a book cover. Now I have talked to Starla before about drawing stuff like that at school. I know she likes scary stuff, she always has so I have never been concerned over her drawings. Unfortunately, the principal was very concerned and called in 2 social workers from the Central office. When they asked Starla about the drawing, she said it was her and the kid on the knife was a boy named Tyler, yes a kid in her class. You can only imagine how much worse this made things. If Starla was in high school, she would have been suspended for a year! If she had wrote the boys name on the paper, even being in 3rd grade, she would have been suspended for a year! Now the Social workers from the central office have told me that I HAVE to get Starla into counseling or its medical neglect, Which don't get me wrong, with everything going on I want her to go to counseling, but the thing is our insurance has a $400.00 deductible so the 1st 6 visits are going to be $65.00 each and I just don't have that kind of money right now. The school system is willing to pay for the 1st visit, but its up to Stephen and I after that. All of this with Starla really has me rethinking the move to Murfreesboro. I am afraid its going to be to hard on them to be that far from their dad. Plus this school is just amazing, seriously, if Starla was in a Rutherford county school and was caught with that drawing, she would have been suspended for a year regardless.

This is probably going to sound a little crazy. I have never had school clothes and play clothes for my kids, it was just to much, and there are to many of them. With putting a mixture of clothes in their closets they would try to wear stuff to school that was meant only for play, and stuff for play that should have been for school. So I stopped having both, once something was to the point where it couldn't be worn to school I would toss it. So they wear out their school clothes quicker cause they play in them to. Well, tonight I thought of a solution! They have a color system with their hangers, each kid has their own color, so they know what is theirs. This has worked for years. So I am going to try a color system with their clothes. I am going to use sharpies and put a colored dot on the tag. One color for school, one for play, one for nice(church, going somewhere dressy). That way I don't have to get rid of clothes when they are still good, but not good enough for school! Once it "downgrades" from school all I have to do is color over the 1st dot with black and then put the play clothes color on the tag! I think this just might work.