10 days later

Well, since I have been working, I don't have as much time to write on here! So I have quite a bit to write about. Whether I get all of it on here today or not is a whole other story!
First I need to say Thank-You to a very sweet lady! Back in April, I had ordered a family plague and even with the divorce I was still going to get it for the kids but because of my finances I hadn't yet been able to. This wonderful lady sent the plaque for the kids as a gift! I cried when I opened it and read her note, and again when I explained to the kids who it was from. She makes some awesome stuff so if you get a chance check her out!
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5569166
Another Thank you I need to say is to Meredith! Meredith if you read this, I am sorry for saying it so late but thank you so much for the card! It came on a day that I was having a hard day so it helped cheer me up!

I had a really short weekend, since I worked Saturday until 6:30! Then Jeannie met me in Lebanon and we went to Outback for Supper. We were both very disappointed! It was not what I expected! We did find a very good drink though! It was Strawberry-Kiwi Lemonade, it was a slush and had vodka in it that you couldn't taste! lol

Sunday I took Stephen and the kids to lunch at McDonalds and we let the kids play for a bit, then Stephen and I went to see The Dark Knight, it was awesome! We talked alot last weekend, we basically said our goodbyes as husband and wife, we do want to remain friends. The Sunday night there was an unexpected turn of events, I guess you would say. Stephen called and said he still loves me. I honestly don't think I have ever been more shocked in my life. For the first 2 months after we separated I hoped everyday he would say that, when he finally did it was to late. My feelings have changed, I was hurt to much. I do still miss him at times, I miss all the little things, like holding hands and staying up late just laying in bed together talking. I miss what we had. We met at Chilis Tuesday after work to talk, and I told him I want the divorce. I really believe that even if I could fall in-love with him again, we would never have what we did. To much happened, to much that I wouldn't be able to let go of for years to come if ever. I know this hurts him, that I still want the divorce and I am really very sorry for that. I do hope that he still wants to be friends, he has been my best friend for the last 10 years, I don't want to lose that.

On another note, I stopped at Fantastic Sams on the way home today to get my hair cut. BIG HUGE mistake! The girl didn't listen and cut it to short! Then when I got home and really looked at it, its not straight! Mom noticed spots in the back that are bad! I am going to have to get it cut again to get it fixed which is going to make it ALOT shorter then I wanted it!

Wow, the weekend goes by really fast when you work! This weekend has flown by! I can't even remember what I did Friday night! lol As I write hopefully I will remember! Saturday me, my parents, my kids, and my sister all went fishing. We got drenched in the rain but the kids still loved it! Jeannie and I both each caught a little sunny but that was it. I didn't even catch mine with my pole! I made a drop line with a bobber on it that was tied to my bathing suit top! lol Anakin loved fishing! I ended up taking his hook off and I put a couple weights on with his bobber so it would sink when he threw it in and every time he would reel it in he would say :I got a fish, I got a fish!" Later Saturday night, Jeannie, me and my friend Chelsie decided to go night fishing! We went up to the dam. Jeannie caught a catfish, I couldn't catch anything but rocks that would eat my hooks, and Chelsie kept catching seaweed! lol This morning I went by Stephens to pick up something, then he went to the park with us. The kids played for almost 2 hours, it really didn't seem like we were there that long. Then Stephens mom picked him up so he could go to her job with her to help with something, and Anakin wanted to go with him. So he has Anakin for a couple hours today. The girls are in their room playing, surprisingly they are playing quietly! lol

On another note, I have been really emotional the last couple of days, I think it is really just from my period. But I have just been really down, I worry about being able to support the kids financially, and with school coming up with 3 of them going since Piper is starting Pre-K, I know its going to be really expensive, plus Anakin really needs new clothes and shoes too, and I only have 3 paychecks between now and school, and so much stuff due! Triad is going to give me the 2 month extensions on the van but the emailed me a paper I have to print, sign and fax to them, but I have no way to print or fax it! Then on top of worrying about financial stuff I am starting to struggle with moving on. I want to move on, I want to be ready to get on with my life, but I don't know how. I was so young when Stephen and I got married, he has been a huge part of my existence for the last 10 years, all I have known and been has revolved around him and our kids and even though I want to move on, I want to get out and date, and to find someone who I will get excited over seeing and talking to, I don't know how. I honestly, do not know how to be me without him here. That is so hard, because even though I care about him as a friend, there are no other feelings there, I am 100% certain I do not love him anymore, those feelings are long gone. How do I get past this? How do I make myself relax and not worry about getting hurt again? I just want to be happy again. I have been working on my self esteem and confidence so much lately, but still I find myself thinking bad about myself. Like when I see a cute guy, stuff like, "your to big for him," or "what are you thinking he's not looking at you" pop in my head. I hate that, how do I stop that from happening? Why cant I actually believe a guy might find me attractive? And its not all of me, I love my personality, and I think I am a very good person, I would do anything for anybody, even if it meant taking away from what I have, but its the outside I have trouble with. And its weird, because I am comfortable with my body, Stephen has made me that way over the years, and still when I am around him I feel pretty, so why cant I accept that if I caught his attention there is still a possibility of someone else noticing me? I even got asked out by a guy at work the other day, and I turned him down, I told him I wasn't ready, but I want to be, how do I get where I want to be? I don't know if much of this made sense, it is really the confusion in my head that I am trying to work out.

Work

Well I started at Tacle Monday. I like the work, but the hours are killing me! I already have 31.5 hours and its only Wednesday! I have not been getting off until 6:30-6:45! I am completely exhausted! I knew it was going to be rough the 1st couple weeks because I was off for so long, but I didn't expect this much over time! The guy at Areotek told me 5:30-6:00 at the latest, then I find out they can keep us until 7:45 when 3rd comes in if they want to! Plus, we go by Nissans schedule, so if Nissan works over, we have to too. Like tonight we hit our numbers around 5:15, but Nissan decided to work until 5:45, so we were stuck there until 6:30. Mom set up the foot bath thing for me tonight, so I could soak my feet, then she massaged my feet with come menthol stuff that is supposed to take the soreness out of your feet. It works good! My feet feel SO much better!

Stephen got the kids Thursday evening, I just relaxed the rest of the evening. I sat outside in my lawn chair reading till it was almost dark. Stephen called and we talked out the fight we had, I think it came down to us just misunderstanding each other. Friday I went out on a friends boat with them. It was awesome! I have never been on a ski boat! I loved it! When it got dark, I went over to Stephens and helped him shoot fireworks for the kids. I had a good time. Saturday me and Jeannie took mom to her eye appointment, then we went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant that was awesome! I also got to go trade some books in at a used book store in Lebanon! I love that store! All paperbacks are 1/2 the publishers price, so I got a stack to fill in holes in my collection of authors I collect. When we got home, Jeannie and I went back out on the boat with Chelsie and John. We went all the way to Ciligo, all I know is its out past Smithville. I tried water skiing, but was very bad at it! lol It really hurt my wrists! I wouldn't advice trying it if you have bad wrists! Sunday morning, I cleaned up my room, then Jeannie and I laid out for awhile. The heat started making us sick, so we came in. I read until the kids came home around 1:30 or 2:00, then we sat on my bed and watched a Winnie the Pooh movie. Later the kids helped Jeannie wash her car while I watched Evan and made supper. Then we went back out and I mowed the yard, mom and Jeannie helped mow a small part, then we washed my van. We had some huge plastic from the girls bunk bed mattresses so we made a slip-n-slide with it. Then mom taught the kids to play croquet.

I do the best I can to keep the peace between Stephen and I, but I feel like I do no good! I understand he is having a hard time right now, but why does he have to take it out on me? I try to be civil and not fight, I am even trying to work the child support out to make it easier on him, and still I get my head bit off for nothing! I invited Stephen to stay for dinner when he picked up the kids, like I usually do. I was making a roast but I started it to late and it wont be done until late tonight, so I asked him if he wanted chicken or pork chops, and he said chicken, so I thawed a pack of chicken in the microwave. It took longer then I expected, so I asked him if he still wanted me to cook or did he want to take it home to cook. I didn't mind cooking for him and the kids, I just didn't want to keep him here if he was wanting to get home. He looked really aggravated when I asked, so I said forget it. He got mad and told the kids it was time to go. I went out to the van with them and asked him what his problem is. He said he is tired of everybody getting mad at him! I tried to tell him I wasn't mad! I was trying to help! It hurts that he snaps at me like that because of other people! He never treated me like this when we were married, I guess he thinks its different now and its OK for him to treat me like shit since he is not my husband anymore. So I guess the staying friends is not going to work, because I am not going to deal with being hurt just because he had a bad day!

Stephen and I finished filling out the paperwork for the divorce Tuesday night. We will be going back to the lawyer to get it actually filed in two weeks. I am ready to get this done and over with, although I am having some trouble dealing with the fact I will only have my kids every other year on holidays. Like I will have them this Christmas but Stephen will have them next year. I can not imagine waking up Christmas morning without my kids. Even typing this is making me teary eyed.

I got the job!

I got the job! The only downside is I don't start until next Monday, I could have started today but he gave me the choice of 2 positions. The one started today, and was pulling leather over the seats, the other starts next Monday and is a quality position. I decided to take the quality position because it seems more interesting, plus I am not sure how well my wrists would do pulling on leather all day. I would have liked to start this week, but I am glad I get to start next week and I have a job!

I stayed up last night until 6:30a.m texting back and forth with a friend I worked with at Dura. Then Anakin woke me up at 8:30 when he was trying to hide from Jeannie because she caught him in her room messing with her dvd's then when she got him out of there, he decided to play with the computer. Mom and Jade were up and gone when I got up, I barely remember mom telling me she was taking Jade with her to the trailer to get some more stuff.