Broken heart

I think a broken heart is one of the most painfully emotional things a person can ever experience. It can have such long lasting effects that you may not even realize are there. I believe we each have our own way of dealing with this, our own way of moving on and learning from it. But when you are so skeptical and have trouble believing anyone could ever truely love you, you fight against it so hard because you are so afraid of getting hurt. The first time Stephen told me he loved me, i told him not to say that, that he couldnt mean it. I wanted to believe him so bad but i just couldnt i really couldnt believe someone like him could actually love me and want to be with me. It took me a long time to find the trust and faith that he meant it. When we got married i thought i was so lucky to have someone who loved me that much that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. At the same time i was terrified all through our marriage that he would change his mind. Now that it has happened, he has changed his mind and decided im not worth spending the rest of his life with, I am thrown back into my original fear. Will there ever be anyone that can love me like that? Will i beable to find that trust and faith again? I have been thinking alot about this today because i realized i have had atleast 3 different chances, 3 different guys that i could have atleast seen what would have happened with but i couldnt. One of them i couldnt open up to, i felt something from the very beginning and i was so scared the feelings wouldnt be returned that i just shut down. He told me so much, from what he said more then he had told anyone ever before about his life and how he feels about stuff, i just couldnt do the same. I was so afraid of getting hurt again i just couldnt do it. We have a very unique friendship now that i would not trade for anything in the world but that thought will always be there, what if i could have opened up? What if i could have found that faith and trust again? The second chance i can not explain what hap

pened. Im really not sure what happened there. The third and most recent, well im not sure if the chance is still there or not. I had a great time with him the weekend we spent together but i pulled away after that. He reminded me of Stephen in so many aspects i was so afriad he would hurt me the same way. I know thats not a fair assumption but what i felt from Stephen and i spliting up through the divorce and the months after, i am not sure i could handle feeling that again. How do you let go of the fear? I am going to be alone forever becuase i was hurt so bad that i am scared to death of chancing that again. I would rather be alone forever then feel that way again. Is this just me? Am i completly phycotic? Why can i not just have the trust and faith that there is someone out there that will love me for who i am and not betray me and rip my heart out? I know im rambiling, i am trying to work the out in my head. Its such a mess in there lol. I dont want to be alone, i want to have someone, i miss having someone. I just dont know how.