I didn't sleep good last night so I am wore out today. I am having trouble sleeping at night. I think I need to get a smaller bed as soon as possible, a king size bed just seems so empty with just one person. I have been tempted to let the kids sleep with me but I don't want them to get used to it, plus I don't sleep well with them in the bed with me anyway. I have got to find another job, there are more lay-offs starting Monday at my job. I just don't have the time to go without missing work. The girls had a good day in school, Piper and Anakin were good at moms. Emotionally I have held it together today, but then so far I have been until later in the evening when the kids are going to bed and no one else is around. I hate for anyone to see me get upset. I actually surprised myself yesterday with what I wrote on here, I was trying to keep myself together enough so everyone would think I was ok and that I was handling this all well.

Since I wrote what I miss about Stephen yesterday, I have been thinking today about things that I wish had been at least a little different. So here goes.... I wish he would have been more into stuff that I am, I always put an extra foot forward to be interested in stuff he likes, he never did that for me. Yes, I know my movies are girly and there is no way he would have read a romantic suspense book, but there are other things. The kids and I went camping one year without him because he wasn't interested. I love fishing even though I never get to, I think once maybe twice in 10 years I got him to go with me. I like boardgames and cards and all I could get him to play was HIS board games and 5 card draw. I had been wanting to teach him progressive rummy for almost 2 years and he finally let me on our anniversary trip. I am not any type of dancer but I always wanted him to take me dancing, he never did. Yes, I loved going out with the kids and moms group and going dancing even though it took quite a few beers to get me on the dance floor, but to me there is just something about going dancing with a guy, to have your man with you like you are showing him off. I even asked him once about doing ballroom dancing classes with me, which is something I would love to learn and of course we never went. The only "dates" we ever had were to the movies, he never had any interest in doing anything other then that when we went out. Most of all my music, I know he hates country but to not even try to "deal" with it just because I love country always hurt, he would change the channel in the van as soon as he got behind the wheel, or even if I was driving as soon as he realized it was on country he would put a cd in. I couldn't ever get him to go outside with me and the kids because if he did he would sit there and look absolutely bored until I said you don't have to be out here and he would go in. We have NEVER taken our children to the park together. We went on one picnic when Jade and Starla were little, and I don't remember how I got him to do that. There are so many little things I overlooked and just dealt with because I love him, and I don't think he ever realized how much I gave up for him.