I can't.

Why does everything have to be so hard and confusing? Stephen and I spent alot of time together the last week or two. We even talked about working things out and had both put our wedding bands back on, although we knew we had at least until October, since he couldn't come home until my parents and sister move out. On Saturday the 2nd, Stephen went with the kids and I to my cousins little boys 1st birthday party, we had a really good time. It felt like what it used to. Him and the kids spent the night with me Saturday night and everything was going good. I felt like I was falling back in-love with him. When I had to take him home Sunday night it tore me up, I cried all the way there and all the way home and for awhile after I got home, I didn't want him to leave. I was in a good mood all day Monday and was so excited when it was time to get off work and knew that I would be seeing him, I felt the same way Tuesday, and then again Wednesday. But Wednesday is when everything changed. He didn't want to come over and I felt like he was changing his mind again. When I finally got him to talk to me I found out he was worried over alot of "what ifs" like what if things go back the way they were, and we end up here again, stuff like that. He ended up coming over anyway, and I tried to convince him everything would work out. Thursday when I got off work, I was talking to him on my way home, he said he was going to come see me, I took that as a good sign and thought maybe I worried for nothing, that everything would be OK. Well, by the time he got here, he didn't seem like he was OK. I asked him a couple of times and he kept saying he was. Then Friday afternoon, he tells me he didn't really want to be here Thursday, but he didn't want to hurt my feelings so he stayed. That really hurt, I felt like I made him do something he didn't want to.
I dropped off the papers at the lawyers office today. I am so mad and frustrated that the divorce is actually happening, even through everything I didn't want this. I wanted to fix our problems and put our marriage back together. I did fall back in-love with him, I love him with all my heart, but for the 1st time in my life, I don't believe love is always enough. I have got to stop hurting, I can not take anymore. My heart has been broken over and over again the last 3 months, and I need it to stop. I need to start healing and be strong enough to build a life for me and my babies. I will miss him, more then he or anyone will ever know, but I have to let go. I am very thankful for the 10 years I had with him, although I do hate that it has ended. I always thought when I got married it would be for life. I would have never thought I would be a 27 year old divorced mom of 4.

I am so mixed up right now, trying to figure out what I want and what I need to do. I hate regrets and swore I would not go through with a divorce if it meant I had any regrets. In my heart I know this should not be happening, but in my head I can not think of one good reason to keep trying. All I can think is that I will just get hurt again, or the kids will get hurt. I look around and think he should be here with us. I want to call him, just to hear his voice or send him a text just to know he is there. I want to know if he is thinking of me. Am I stuck in his head as he is stuck in mine? Does he miss me when I am not around? Does he really love me or is he just not ready to let go? Does he wonder what I am doing when he hasn't heard from me in awhile? I guess these where/are the things I needed to know, but instead of him telling me without me asking he shut down. Or I would ask and then feel like he was only telling me what I wanted to hear. He wrote me a little note one day about "moments" together and it made me feel so good, I cried when I read it. I felt like he thought of me all the time like I had been thinking of him, but then a couple days later he just seemed like he didn't miss me, or wasn't anxious for our next moment together.