lost

Have you ever felt so lost that you don't know what to to? That's how I feel today. I have so much I need to get done, and so much I want to do, but today I have no "want" to do any of it. I feel like I am in a blur. I just feel like I want to run away and never look back. Don't worry the sane part of me is keeping me grounded. I know realistically, I could never just take off like that. I could never leave my kids, and I could never take them away from everything and everyone they know. I feel like I am in an endless circle of hurt and confusion. Its amazing how much what someone doesn't say can turn your world upside down and make you realize you are not who you thought you were.

I have always considered myself a good person, someone who would do anything for anyone without asking for anything in return. I have always felt like I gave 100% of myself to my family and friends without thinking of how it would benefit me. I have always thought I was pretty selfless, in that way. I always thought I tried my best not to take advantage of people. I have never thought of myself as materialistic. I always thought that I was happy with my life and what I had. I always thought I would help someone out even if it inconvenienced me.

I was wrong about all of it. I have come to realize, I am the type of person that I can not stand. I am very selfish and self serving. I am not grateful and thankful enough for what I have or have had in my life. I can apparently take advantage of people without their ever knowing, without my ever knowing for that matter.

Its a very dark time when you find out you are not the person you thought you were. I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment, but I know its there and I will find it and I will be OK. I will get through this and be stronger in the end. I always am. At least I think I am.