Sleepless night

I hate sleepless nights! I just have so much on my mind tonight that I can not get to sleep. So here it is 3:30 in the morning and I am sitting her on the pc. I was working on getting Jades room painted, but I just couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. So I came out here to play on the computer. I re-did my myspace page, I tried out their new version. Its kinda neat, I like it. Its more like editing on here, I haven't tried to add graphics, so I am not sure how that would work, but anyway.

Have you ever thought you knew what type of person you are, just to find out you have been completely wrong about yourself your whole life? Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous. I realized some things tonight that just are not sitting well with me, and they came as a big shock. How do you screw up so much and so often and not realize it? How do you keep yourself from becoming or continuing to be the person you don't want to be? How do you find the bravery to face the world and say "this is me, like me for who I am or leave me alone?" How can anything you have ever done matter, or be right if you are not who you thought you were? How do you forgive yourself for the choices you made that deeply affected someone elses life? Choices that if you had not made, their life and yours would have been completely different. How do you face yourself in the mirror and not see the monster underneath? How do you teach your children to be strong and to believe in their selves, when you don't even know how to do that for yourself?

Yes, my mind has gone screwy on me tonight, I literally feel like I belong in that pink padded room that I often joke about.

In 3 days, the waiting period on our divorce will be up, if we had the $750.00 for the lawyer, we would be officially divorced in 3 days. I want this over and done with. I want us to go our separate ways. I want to be friends for the kids, but put enough space between us that the confusion and the hurt stops. I am so tired of hurting, I am so emotionally exhausted from trying to figure my life out. I honestly do not know how Stephen and I made it 10 years together. We are so different, we want completely different things out of life. Other then our children, I can not think of one thing we have in common. Neither of us can say with any certainty, that if I had not gotten pregnant we would have still gotten married. I don't believe we would have. I do not regret the last 10 years, I do not regret marrying him, or having children with him, but I know we are not meant to be together for the rest of our lives. I am a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason." I think we were brought together to help each other "grow up." I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but oh well.

I want to move, I don't want to be in this house anymore. Its to hard, its to much of a reminder. I want us both to be able to move on with our lives. I just want to figure out who I am and be happy again.