February already?!

Wow, I cant believe we are already a month into 2009. So far this year has not gotten any better for me. The kids were sick most of January, my van finally got repoed, and I got laid off again. We have also had another major change, that is going to take some getting used to. Stephen and I changed the custody arrangement. We will each have the kids every other week. Financially this is going to be rough for me, especially since I just got laid off, it should make things alot easier on Stephen though. Emotionally, the thought of not having my kids with me all the time is tearing me apart, we have not even been through the 1st week yet and I am dreading it. I know it will be a little easier until I find a job because I will be going over to Stephens every morning to get the girls off to school and have Anakin all day, but I also know once I find a job and I am not seeing them everyday during Stephens week, I am going to struggle with it. It was my idea to try this though, the kids were having a hard time not seeing Stephen much, he was missing them, and I was completely overwhelmed trying to keep up with everything on my own. I was not enjoying my children, and I don't want to live like that. I want to be able to play with them, read to them, do crafts with them, I miss that stuff and the time with them.

I had a re-lapse a couple of weeks ago. I was rethinking the divorce. I have finally realized that as sure as I was that couple of days, that's all it was. A part of me will always love Stephen, he has been a big part of my life, he is he father of my children but that's it. The love a wife should have for a husband is gone, the butterflies from a touch are gone, all the little things that used to be there are gone. I think I have actually moved on. I didn't think this day would ever come, I didn't think the hurt would ever go away. And while there is a hint and a memory of all the hurt, its not enough for it to matter to me anymore, but at the same time I think that is what has helped me to move on. I'm sure that every once in awhile I will miss what was, but I know in my heart what was is not what is meant for me and my life.

I never made any New Years Resolutions this year, I think I am going to now.
1. I am going to get my life together and on track.
2. I am going to be an adult on my own.
3. I am going to become a stronger mom for my kids
4. I am going to continue to work on my self esteem
5. I am going to lose weight and get in shape
6. I am going to quit smoking!!!


A side note to #4, I had a friend comment one weekend that she could tell by the way I carry myself now that I have been working on this. It really tickled me and made me want to try that much harder! Thank you Meredith!!!