Stephen stayed the weekend here, to give his parents a break from the kids being there every weekend. It was nice to have him here for a couple of days. Friday and Saturday went pretty good I think. But Saturday night a friend of his called him at 2 a.m, and kept us up until close to 4 a.m. I think it was close to 5 before I fell asleep, then Anakin woke up crying around 7, I finally dragged myself out of bed around 8 because he wouldn't quit. Stephen left around 2 this afternoon. So now its just me and the kids again. It was harder watching him leave then I though it would be. He has been gone 30 min and I am still fighting the tears. It is worth it thought o have the couple of days with him, I just didn't expect it to tear me up so much. The kids are in their rooms reading and coloring. I have nothing to do. I couldn't concentrate on my book even if I wanted to. I just feel so lost right now. The hardest part of all of this is the waiting, but it is necessary. I understand what he is going through, and I am willing to wait and give him the time he needs.

Stephen had to kill a snake in the front yard Saturday. Jade was riding her bike and screamed there was a dead snake by the tree. I went to go look and it moved! I have pictures and will put it on here once I upload them.
It stormed pretty bad here last night. My phone is out, but the dsl is working, so I don't know what the crap is going on. I don't know if its from eh storm or not.

I just realized I never wrote on here about my cookout. I had a cookout here Saturday for family and a few friends. The reason I wanted to do it was to show my family I am doing OK, well it backfired on me. I pretty much fell apart emotionally! It was nice to see them, it was just harder then I expected. RJ, my brothers friend that has been around so long we consider him family, asked about Stephen and when I said he wasn't coming and he could tell I was fighting tears, he gave me a hug and said everything is going to be OK, that Stephen and I belong together and we will work it out sooner or later. He is like a brother to me, so I know he was trying to make me feel better, but that just kind of made me fall apart more.

That is the part I have been holding back in my writing. Stephen and I have decided to date for awhile. We want to be 100% sure of what we want one way or the other. Its very hard, but in the end it will be worth all the hard times.

Today wasn't bad, but the hour I have been home has been nothing but the kids yelling and screaming and fighting. I just want to run away! My head is throbbing and I am so tired I could go to sleep right now!

Today has been an OK day I guess. I just got the kids to bed, now I am just waiting for them to go to sleep so I can go lay down. I slept until 11 this morning, then spent most of the afternoon curled up on the couch with my book. I wanted to lay out but the weather didn't allow it. When Stephen dropped the kids off he stayed for supper. Jade and Starla played Mario Party, Anakin kept throwing a fit cause he wanted to play. So after supper I let Piper and Anakin play. He was funny! He kept saying he won. While he was playing I told him to jump, I meant on the game, well he stood up and actually started jumping!

I laid out again today, except this time I got really brave and bared my back completely! lol Of course when I turned over I had my tank covering what it should! I used massage oil because I didn't have any sun tan lotion or any other type of oil. My back is pretty red, I can feel it on the back of my legs too. My belly didn't get red though. The kids played in the sprinkler while I laid out. They loved it! I think I am going to lay out again in the morning to try my belly again. Its hard to lay that way cause I don't want my face to burn, but since the kids are not here I can cover my face and not have to worry about Anakin running off.

I know the post Wednesday probably didn't make much sense. I am still not ready to talk about everything that's going on. I would rather wait until I can explain fully and already know the outcome.

Its kind of amazing what even a little self confidence can do. While the kids were outside today, I decided I want to try to get some sort of color on my back and belly, so I pulled my tank top up under my bra and took my arms out of the straps, and laid there on the blanket in my front yard like that. I was completely comfortable! It was kind of a weird feeling! I didn't worry about anyone seeing me like that. Jade freaked when she 1st saw me taking my arms out of the tank and bra straps because she thought I was taking the shirt off! lol

When I went to moms to pick up the kids I used her scale. I am now 286, down from 305!!! I was surprised! Especially since I am on my period and I always weigh more during this time. I can see the difference when I look in the mirror, which makes me feel really good! I actually have a pair of shorts that were to tight last year that are lose! I put on a pair of shorts this morning that I would never wear out of the house because I always thought they were to short. Well Jeannie and mom both complimented me on them! How awesome is that!?

Today has been.....honestly I am not even sure how to describe it. Mom is keeping the kids overnight for me. I don't even know how to put everything into words right now on here, so I guess I will later when I know what to say.

Today has been a busy day. I worked at a friends shop doing some cleaning for them. I got home a little after 6. I went out to walmart to get a mower (thanks to a couple of awesome friends!) and then mowed the side and a small part of the back yard. The grass was really tall and thick on the side so it was really really hard to mow!

Reba(I think) and Kenny Chesney have a new song out called "Every Other Weekend" I heard it this morning and it made me cry! It was about a couple that divorced and the dad taking the kids every other weekend. They miss each other and still want each other but they don't say anything cause of their pride. Its really sad. Life is hard enough, why would you let your pride get in the way of your chance at happiness? That just seems silly to me.

I am exhausted! I have to go give Piper and Anakin a shower, so I can get them to bed so I can finally get a shower! I thought of something while I was mowing. I wish all of the times that Stephen said "Just tell me if you need me to help with anything," I would have let him help. Now that I have to do everything on my own, it is really overwhelming. But this is my life and I will adjust.........eventually.

Mom, dad, Jeannie and Evan didn't leave until right before 9pm last night, which was a little late for me and the kids, but we had a good time. Dad put air in the girls bike tires for them, so they were very excited about that. He fixed the pipe under the bathroom sink but he said don't let them pull on it, so I am not even sure whether I should let them use it or not! Jeannie and I had to run to walmart. I saw Jeff Mason there, he was our realtor, he asked how we were liking the house, I just told him we love it, I didn't have the guts to tell him Stephen and I are divorcing. The divorce I can handle the shocked look everyone gives me I cant. No matter how much I fight it off, anytime I see that look it makes me want to cry!

I went to the nursing home today to put in an application. The position is different then what I was told. The lady that runs the kitchen decided she is not going to hire another person for the 7 to 3:30 but she does need someone to work doubles every other weekend, and she said she can have them work during the week too. I told her the weekends were not a problem but I need 40 hours a week at least.

I have been in kind of an ill mood all day, I am not sure why. Its been a long day though. I just want to get through the next 4 hours and go to bed early!

Stephen and I will be going to the lawyers office Thursday morning to start the paper work. We are agreeing on everything so a lawyer is just going to put everything together for us. We don't want two separate lawyers, that will just cost more and the lawyers would more then likely try to cause problems. I am ready to get this done and over with but it scares the crap out of me. I know I have the strength I need to get through this, I just have to figure out how to pull all that strength together and use it!

Like I said before I have really been working on my self esteem and believing in myself lately. My sister was shocked yesterday when we were talking about something and I told her I know I am a good, fun person with a good personality and I even see myself as pretty now! And I know one day I will meet someone who will love me for me and who I will make very happy just being me. Jeannie said she was very proud of me and she said she agreed with everything except she thinks I am beautiful. I don't see that yet, but maybe one day I will.

Its been a very long night and morning. The kids wanted to sleep in the front room, so I slept on the couch. I just am not comfortable with them sleeping in the front room alone. So I didn't sleep very good. Then Piper woke up at 3 crying and got on the couch with me, then at 5 Anakin joined us! Yes, I was not very comfortable! Anakin has been a brat this morning, torturing his sisters for no reason. Last night he hit Jade on the ear with his bat hard enough to make her cry! Piper was not allowed to play with the moon sand once she wiped it all over the couch! I let them play with it on the front room floor last night so they could watch a movie while they played, but I think from now on it will be a table only thing. Anakin didn't care for it much.

We are going to a reception at 2p.m today for Mrs. Ballard, she was Jade's 4th grade teacher this year, she was also Stephens 4th grade teacher when he was in school. She is an awesome teacher, I wish she wasn't retiring so she could have all my kids in her class. Then this evening, mom, dad, Jeannie and Evan are coming over. Dad is going to fix the kids bathroom sink for me, then they are going to stay for dinner. I don't remember if I wrote on here about the sink, but a week or two ago Starla broke the sink in the kids bathroom. Yes, actually broke it! It is a pedestal sink and she somehow managed to knock the top part off! I had to call Stephen to have him come and pick it up! So their bathroom has been locked off since then. We need to be able to use it at least for the tub! My bathroom only has a stand up shower and Piper and Anakin hate showers! So it has been a pain in the butt lately to shower them! Well Anakin actually likes showers, he just doesn't want to get out! It is so much easier doing baths where they can stay in and play for a little bit.

Apparently I need to stop using the word ass! Piper and Anakin were in the kitchen together and Piper was telling Anakin not to drink her soda then she says, as serious as can be, "If you drink my soda i'm gonna bust your ass!" Jade, Starla, and I were in the front room together, we just looked at each other then Jade said "Mama did she just say what I think she said?" I said yes, then we all started laughing! I couldn't help it it was funny! Of course once I collected my self I called her in to the front room and explained she couldn't use that word!

After Stephen picked the kids up Friday, I went by Elise's(a lady I worked with at Dura) Church to meet Shirley, she works at a nursing home in Lebanon and they are needing help, she was going to bring me an application, but wants me to come down there so she can take me straight to the lady that hires. So I am going to do that Monday morning. After that Shannon and I met at Applebees in Lebanon , we had a really good time, we ate and had a few drinks(not to much since we both had to drive!) and talked it was a little after 11 when I got home! Shannon if you read this thanks for going out with me! I really enjoyed getting out of the house and being with a good friend! After I got home I watched Absolute Zero, a movie mom wanted me to watch, it was awful! The actors and lines were horrific! It was like a very cheesy version of The Day After Tomorrow. I forgot to close the windows before I left so it was FREEZING in the house! I had on flannel pj pants a long sleeve shirt, my bathrobe, and I was wrapped in a king size comforter! My nose was a popsicle! I was tempted to make some hot tea to warm me up but I was to cold to move! lol I ended up sleeping in my bathrobe with the comforter that's on my bed plus the extra one folded in half on top of that! Other then freezing I actually slept really good! This morning I went down to Shannon's to babysit for them, Jackson and Elena are dolls! They were so good! We colored, did puzzles, watched ET, played outside and had Shannon's front room looking like a toy box! lol Of course we had it all clean again before she got home so she will never know the HUGE mess we actually made! lol
After the kids got home we went to walmart and got them some snacks and some Moon Sand to play with. We went by redbox but there was nothing in there they haven't seen that was a kids movie. So now they are watching Beethoven and playing with Moon Sand, so I am about to go join them and play with Moon Sand! I tried to find some new coloring books at walmart but their coloring books have gotten outrageous! Its $5.00 for a decent coloring book! Times that by 5(yes cause I need one too!) That's $25.00 for coloring books! It was only $15 for 4 tubs of Moon Sand that will hold their interest longer anyway!

I have been cleaning all day, I have even mopped. I called the temp services again and looked at career builder. I want to go out and look but unless I know of something that is at least a good chance I don't want to waste my gas. With gas so high who would want to waste it? I still have a load or 2 of laundry to do and to get the kids stuff ready for Stephens tonight. I am trying to find something to do tonight. I want to get out and go somewhere other then moms, which don't get me wrong I like going over there and playing cards with her and whichever sibling happens to be there but I need to do something with someone that's not my parents or siblings. I might see if Stephen is OK with me taking just enough out of what he is giving me this week to take the kids to the drive in Saturday night. I don't know though, I want to do something special with the kids Saturday night but I don't want to waste money right now. I think I would feel a little guilty about spending money he gives me on taking the kids out. Yup, I would so OK that idea is out the window, guess I don't need to ask him! lol Anyway, I am just bored and anxious today. I NEED and WANT a job! I don't like being home all day feeling worthless! Its not the kids, I love being here with them as always, but right now it does not feel the same as it did when I was a stay at home mom, right now I just feel like I am failing my kids. Is it obvious I need to get out of this house?

I had told Jade to do something twice and then she wanted to use the phone. I told her no, because she hadn't listened. Then I asked her why she thought I should let her use the phone when she didn't listen when I told her to do something, her answer was, "Cause I'm a brat!" I just thought it was funny!

FLAMEGAS

I have had a lot of difficulty lately with my feelings and trying to figure out what I want. While I am still heartbroken by everything, I think I am starting to realize that this may be for the best. Stephen and I never really did have much in common, I am really not sure how we made it work for so long. I do miss him and I think a part of me always will, but I think that may be because he was a part of my everyday life for so long. We are still going to try to be friends, and I do hope we can, I do still need to be able to talk to him. I was really down yesterday because I have been worried this week that I am not going to be able to support the kids financially. I think once I find another job I will be OK. I am anxious to find something and be able to support us on my own. Aside from the child support I don't want to have to depend financially on Stephen at all. I know he would never hesitate to help us if we needed it, I just want to be independent and not need it. I know I still have a rough road ahead of me, but I am working on convincing myself that I am strong enough to handle this or anything else life throws at me. I do still break down every once in awhile, but I am an emotional person so I guess I should expect that.
I have an interview tomorrow for a position in Mt. Juliet, it pays $10.00 an hour I think. So keep your fingers crossed for me. We did find out we are not getting what we expected for the stimulus check, we will only get $1800 instead of $2400, we HAVE to get bunks for Piper and Anakin and new mattresses for Jade and Starla, the poor girls are still sleeping on the some bunk bed mattress they have had since 2001! We were supposed to pay on my van and pay off the title loan on Stephens van, I don't know how we are going to do that now. I am still trying to figure out how to not lose my van. I need it, without it I am really screwed! As of Monday it is going to be 2 payments behind and Triad is having a fit.

I was thinking of somethings as I tried to go to sleep last night and I still couldn't help but laugh out loud. So here are a few of the things Stephen has done at one time or another that no matter how long ago it was or how bad a mood I was in thinking of them always made me laugh.

The most recent was last Christmas when we went to this big Christmas lights thing that you drive through, there was a sponsor sign that said FLAMEGAS, now I can not remember exactly how he pronounced it but Stephen didn't read it as flame gas, he read it as one word. I laughed so hard! I don't think I had ever seen him have such a blonde moment! Even now as I am typing I am chuckling about it!

In 2001 we shared a place with my parents, we had moved the bedrooms around and our king size bed had 2 box spring, well I was sitting on the end of one and I asked Stephen to fix the curtain rod or something, so he stood on the box spring, well I went to get up and he looked like he was going to fly! The end I had been holding down by sitting on popped up and his arms went flailing and he screamed! I was so funny!

The 1st memory I have that I can still laugh over was somewhere around 98-99, I don't remember if I was pregnant with Starla or if she had just been born. We were living in this little house, and had been having trouble with Mice, well Stephen was sitting on the couch one day, watching TV or playing a game, I don't remember. But he all the sudden jumped up and yelled "A mouse ran under my ass!" It was the funniest thing I had ever seen!

I got all the kids in bed, we skipped baths tonight so I have to get up earlier then usual in the morning. I got a calling card today so I can call some temp services in Lebanon tomorrow to find out if they have anything. Its kind of unsettling when its so quiet in here. You would think I would be able to relax, but I cant. I used to love the times it was quiet but now I hate it.

I did get to go to the temp service for dell yesterday. I will take it if I can get it but I am not sure how to make it work out. They are pretty serious about overtime that comes before the shift, which would mean going in at 2 am for 12 hour days. It takes 30 - 45 minutes to get there from moms, which means I would have to leave here by 1:45 am so I would be getting up around midnight! And would have to get the kids out to the van and to moms! I think this is going to be harder then the 3rd shift was! How do I do that?

I have been looking through career builder all morning, I was surprised how many jobs are on there that you have to apply through there for! The companies ask specifically to email resumes.
I got one call already, its for a 3rd party quality thing, I am supposed to think about it and call the guy tomorrow and let him know if I want an interview. Its not immediate, he is looking for people when they have openings, and it is not very dependable. I could be atone company for a week then if they don't need me, I would go somewhere else, if there there was no one else I would have to just wait. The interview is in Nashville, so I am trying to figure out if it would be worth it.

I went to the unemployment office yesterday. They gave me info about a temp service for dell, which I have heard dell doesn't like to hire so I am skeptical on them, but at least its an income for now, and its $9.50 for 1st shift, 6 - 2:30. I was supposed to go down there today but Mom has something she has to do and cant watch the kids, so I have to go tomorrow. They did take my application for a place called Orchin, I don't know if I spelt that right but they make vacuums. That pays pretty well, so keep your fingers crossed that I get a call from them!

Today was almost a good day. The mothers day part was pretty good. The girls each made something in school, then Jade made something this morning for Piper and Anakin to give me. We went to moms for awhile, Jeannie and Evan were there. I rode to Smyrna with Jeannie so she could get some stuff for the night. Jeannie is also going to be going through a divorce. She is moving in with mom and dad next weekend. The hardest part of the day was when we got home Anakin would do nothing but scream and yell dad, so I had to call Stephen and ask him to take him for a couple days. I really want him here but right now he needs the time with his dad. He is such a daddys boy, I should have expected this to be hard on him. So Stephen just left with Anakin.