Just rambling

Last Saturday would have been my 11th anniversary, but instead it was just another day. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. It was a little rough but that was missing being married, not missing that marriage. I have been thinking alot lately about the last 10 years and have realized that even though I did love Stephen I honestly can not remember how far back it was where I just got so content and settled with my life that it no longer mattered that I wasn't in love with him. I don't know why I didn't realize this either. I think I was just so determined to make my marriage work and beat the odds that I didn't want to see it wasn't working. As hard as the last year has been, which I don't think anyone has any idea how much of an impact it all had on me, I am pretty good at pretending everything is OK, something can be killing me and I can put on a smile and act like its not, I don't like to let it show when something is tearing me apart like that. I hit rock bottom, I seriously felt like I was in hell with no way out, but when it was all said and done I am now very thankful for all I have been through. Sounds stupid right? To be thankful for that kind of hurt and heartache? Well I am so thankful and OK with it all now, because now I know who I am and how strong I am. I know what I can handle and I know my breaking point.

The hardest thing now is the loneliness, I never imagined it would be this hard. To go to bed lonely and wake up lonely everyday is a constant struggle to not let it pull me down. I think it got the best of me yesterday,I just didn't talk to anyone all day until later in the evening. I really don't know why, I just woke up and felt off and didn't feel like I wanted to talk to anyone.

I went and spent last weekend with my sister. I just couldn't wake up Easter morning alone in my apartment, since the kids were with Stephen. Jeannie let me give Evan his first haircut! He looks like such a big boy now! He looks like Anakin with certain glances and he looks like Joey with others.